Guilt over mothers recent suicide attempt

[LFCNZ]

Hi there

Just looking for some I guess context in regards to my mothers latest suicide attempt(shes 74) and has attempted suicide on numerous occasions since I was a kid(Im 48), and shes been in and out of mental hospitals/counselling etc all my life..., I learnt her diagnosis was BPD a year or so ago.

The latest incident was that we were in the process of selling the house my mother and stepfather live in next door to my wife and I and moving them to a retirement village, we had emptied the house and she was going to stay with my sister till the house was sold, but then COVID came and we ended up in lockdown so we decided they should come back up and stay at our house during lockdown period.

However, my wife and I just found living with my mother draining(brought back memories of my childhood), her low moods, constant pain she said she was in due to her fibromyalgia(which my wife thinks was just a ploy to get stronger pain killers - which she did get out of her Dr while here, some morphine based ones), the fact she was double-dipping on her current meds(Jesus she takes so many meds I'm surprised her kidneys haven't packed up already), my wife had a few run-ins with my stepfather too.

Just got to the point where we weren't coping with them in our house, so we made the call to move them back in next door to their old house with limited furniture but we put a bed in there, they had TV, couch etc...we got them groceries and were cooking them meals every night, about 3 days after moving them back in though, my mum decided to go down to the beach and try and drown herself, shes still in the mental health unit in the hospital currently(but she will be released and back next door in the next few days porobably)

I guess I'm just feeling guilty the way things played out, having my mother around me just presses my buttons, I don't really know what it is but she just has this ability to suck the life out of me, in hindsight we should have never got them to stay with us, but well yeah the situation was unforeseeable I guess

[Panda39]

LFONZ,

You did everything you could do to be supportive of your mom & stepdad, and I see nothing wrong with moving them back into their own house.  You also have every right to take care of you and your family. 

Your mom's actions, choices, feelings, beliefs etc. are on her not on you and some imagined thing you did or didn't do.  She is with the professionals now that can help her that is what they are there for.

Take Care of you 
Panda39

[Lovemyjess]

Hi LFONZ,

I wanted to tell you how much I understand and sympathize with your situation and guilt. My mom is elderly but has also attempted suicide and been hospitalized. Her most recent attempt was actually due to a very similar situation to yours. My mom’s boyfriend passed away recently and she went into another deep depression. It’s a long story but I knew it would be very damaging to have her live with me and my husband but she got so bad that we had no choice (She had lived with us in our 20s during another bout of depression and it was a disaster. She would alternate between rage, crying and phobias. It ended in hospitalization just like this most recent stay). She had sold her home 2 years ago to travel in her RV so she had no place to go and we had to take her in.  After living with us for a few weeks we moved her into a new home that we helped her purchase. She was still very depressed but she was under the care of a doctor and on medication. I offered to pay for an aid to come with her and she said no. I left her with food and all of the comforts she needed and told her I’d be back the next day. She overdosed the next morning and I found her unconscious. She survived that attempt and was hospitalized but she has been furious with me since then. I have been trying to fix her and save her my entire adult life (I’m 58) after several failed relationships and no contact with siblings...I am the only one she has left. She can be very toxic and it’s so hard on us to care for her with that level of depression. My husband and I were in such a dark place. She wouldn’t go to a therapist (only agreed to medication) and had nobody to talk to except me so it was very draining. She ultimately blamed me for not taking good enough care of her and is currently not talking to me. There is a lot more history but it’s too long to write here,

I wanted to reply to you because I have that same guilt you have. I felt that it was my fault that she tried to commit suicide because I moved her into her new home before she was ready. I had to seek therapy and my therapist tells me that I did the right thing under the circumstances. My husband wasn’t coming home from work until late at night to avoid her and developed high blood pressure. It really took a toll on us.

I would tell you the same thing she told me. We can not be responsible for our mother’s choices and we are not at fault for their suicide attempts. We have to consider our health, spouses and children too. It’s very hard to deal with and I don’t have the answers either but I hope you try not to blame yourself. The weight of that is crushing. We do the best we can to care for them but sometimes they make it very difficult (or impossible). I hope she is settled in and things have calmed down for you and your wife.

[Methuen]

we were in the process of selling the house my mother and stepfather live in next door to my wife and I and moving them to a retirement village

Ahh.  Aging is a natural part of life for all of us.  We must all adapt to change as it happens, which includes dealing with aging bodies that can't do as much physical work or recreation as they used to, including managing or caring for our own home.  Hence retirement villages and care homes.  Alas, the pwBPD has epic emotional reactions to change they would rather not have to face (eg their house being sold) because it's part of the disorder.  In addition to having these epic emotional reactions, they also have no skills or tools to cope with their reactions.  It sounds like your mom could have been having such a reaction.  It's nobody's fault.  It's the diseases fault.  I recently finished reading a book titled "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Y Manning.  She dedicated the entire last chapter to the topic of suicide.  It was enlightening and powerful.  I would recommend it.  It could help to understand what is happening, and also some rationale for why you don't need to feel guilty.  I don't feel confident enough to try to summarize it here as I don't think I could do it justice.  It's the disease LFCNZ, not you or anything you've done (although she will likely blame you).  The entire book was enlightening, and super helpful.  It was recommended by my T.  

As for how this has left you feeling, and also knowing that once she is released she is coming back to the house beside you, I just want to say that you and your wife have gone above and beyond what "normal" people do to support their families.  You have tried really hard LFCNZ.  The problem is that the disease and her behavior is outside of your control.  I'm just wondering if (in addition to this forum), you see a counsellor or T for support?  Someone who is knowledgeable about BPD and suicide?  My thought is that it isn't possible to "fix" her (even a professional probably can't do that), so instead, focus on your well-being, which could have a spillover benefit for her.  Again, if you could get your hands on a copy of the book I mentioned, I think it could bring you some comfort, some relief, some information, and some strategies.

My mom is 84, lives "independently" 7 minutes away from me, qualifies for "assisted living", and has refused to go on a 2 year waiting list.  I know what you are describing is coming my way down the road. 

[Methuen]

I felt that it was my fault that she tried to commit suicide because I moved her into her new home before she was ready...

  So I'm going to gently challenge the Before she was ready? part.  Ask yourself truthfully, will she "ever be ready"? 

We can not be responsible for our mother’s choices and we are not at fault for their suicide attempts. We have to consider our health, spouses and children too.

Yes to all this.

[Hedwig]

Hi LFCNZ,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.  Your mother actually sounds very similar to mine:  my mother also had multiple suicide attempts throughout her life, fibromyalgia, and addiction to pain killers.  Sadly, I think the suicide attempts and constant talk of pain and health issues are tactics they use to try to manipulate us, so please don't feel guilty.