Silent Treatment, every time we have any disagreement, he completely shuts down

[justatxgirl]

Hi everyone--I have been reading ALL day after googling "silent treatment for a month" and finding so much information about BPD.  My guy is almost certainly not diagnosed, but reading all the descriptions, it explains so much.  I also feel MUCH less crazy after seeing I am not the only one who has gone through/is going through this.  There are many traits he shows that also indicate Asperger's, but BPD seems to better explain this irrational fear of being abandoned.

My story--I have had an on/off relationship with my guy for going on six years--pretty informally for the first 4-ish years, but seriously for the past two.  We've broken up and gotten back together countless times.  In fact, every time we have any type of disagreement, he completely shuts down, blames me, breaks up with me, and then gives me the silent treatment.  These last anywhere from days to months, and are almost always the result of a fight that to any "normal" person would seem ordinary.  This most recent one was about his unwillingness to help me with a project.  He had volunteered to help, ended up napping on the couch, I got upset and told him he "never helps".  I know they are strong words, but this is the man who I cook for, clean up after, do laundry for, do all the shopping for--and something as easy as putting a dish in the dishwasher escapes him.  Needless to say, he completely came undone, we yelled at each other, he stormed out of my house, and has been unwilling to talk to me for almost a month now--not a text, phone call, email.  I have apologized every way I know how, and told him that I am not willing to give up on him.  In my mind, this is a pretty standard fight that two adults in a relationship have from time to time.

The situation is further complicated by a number of things--I have two boys from my first marriage that depend on him, and care about him deeply.  He has been a huge part of their lives for so long, yet he has refused to reach out to them.  We also work together--and he is sweet as can be when we're on a call together for work, but again will not engage in any way outside of calls where we are both required to participate.  Lastly, we have a house together in the country--which has a whole lot of my stuff, and my boys things.  He has made no mention or action towards either returning my things, or asking me to come get them.

A little more history.  We had been making HUGE strides in our relationship, planning to move in together in town, sharing the house in the country, his relationship with my boys, he finally gave me keys to both houses just DAYS before this fight.  We were talking about getting married, and even adopting a child.  I have met his friends and family, and everyone says I am a GREAT fit for him.  I am so sure he's giving me the silent treatment to try to get me to come get my things, tell him adios, and fulfill his fear of abandonment.  When we spoke briefly about work yesterday, I told him I'd like to talk--he replied that "he's not interested in talking to me right now."  I was gracious and told him it didn't have to be now, but whenever he's ready, I am here.

I am at a total loss, and have no idea what to think or do at this point.  I feel like I was the victim of splitting, and now there's silence--but there are these loose ends I am not sure how to handle.  Any thoughts are welcome.  Thanks for reading my ramble.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.