My brother is exhausting

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, I'm new to this group and a bit lost.

My brother is suspected BPD, my family have only recently come to the realization as in the midst of one of his breakdown/suicide threat moments he admitted that he was once years ago told by a psychologist that he may have it. He showed my Dad a list of the symptoms and broke down. But being his typical self, he has now changed his tune (always) and has decided my Mum has it. Then my Dad has it. Then I have it. Now his girlfriend has it. He has always blamed everyone else for his issues in life as it seems he can make no fault. He gets in INTENSE rages that include saying anything he could to our family to hurt us. Telling us to kill ourselves, wishing us dead, threatening to kill the dog. He is 28 and has a history of substance abuse. Its been so stressful and depressing for my parents. He thinks Dad is amazing and Mum is evil most of the time and tried to play them against each other. A few days ago he messaged Mum saying he was going to put a bullet in his head so we all rushed over to his house to talk him down. When we got there he was angry and sat us down and asked us to admit to him that we lie to him about everything and that his issues were our fault. He is convinced I've been talking to his girlfriend and getting in her head and thats why she broke up with him. I've met the girl once over dinner and never spoken to her again.

The hardest part is that he is a dairy farmer and runs his own business. He has been breaking down so often lately that he is neglecting the animals and my retired father has to go over and do the work which is not sustainable. He refuses to get help and tells us we are crazy. Once, four years ago we called the police on him as he was violent towards my Dad and went on a rampage destroying property. He was admitted to the psych ward and now blames all of his issues on that. Its funny though because he can turn it all off once someone not from our immediate family shows up.

We are at a loss. We are so so tired and I so badly want him to be better. Its hurting our whole family. Does anyone have any tips?

[AmyBee]

Hi all, I'm new to this group and a bit lost.

My brother is suspected BPD, my family have only recently come to the realization as in the midst of one of his breakdown/suicide threat moments he admitted that he was once years ago told by a psychologist that he may have it. He showed my Dad a list of the symptoms and broke down. But being his typical self, he has now changed his tune (always) and has decided my Mum has it. Then my Dad has it. Then I have it. Now his girlfriend has it. He has always blamed everyone else for his issues in life as it seems he can make no fault. He gets in INTENSE rages that include saying anything he could to our family to hurt us. Telling us to kill ourselves, wishing us dead, threatening to kill the dog. He is 28 and has a history of substance abuse. Its been so stressful and depressing for my parents. He thinks Dad is amazing and Mum is evil most of the time and tried to play them against each other. A few days ago he messaged Mum saying he was going to put a bullet in his head so we all rushed over to his house to talk him down. When we got there he was angry and sat us down and asked us to admit to him that we lie to him about everything and that his issues were our fault. He is convinced I've been talking to his girlfriend and getting in her head and thats why she broke up with him. I've met the girl once over dinner and never spoken to her again.

The hardest part is that he is a dairy farmer and runs his own business. He has been breaking down so often lately that he is neglecting the animals and my retired father has to go over and do the work which is not sustainable. He refuses to get help and tells us we are crazy. Once, four years ago we called the police on him as he was violent towards my Dad and went on a rampage destroying property. He was admitted to the psych ward and now blames all of his issues on that. Its funny though because he can turn it all off once someone not from our immediate family shows up.

We are at a loss. We are so so tired and I so badly want him to be better. Its hurting our whole family. Does anyone have any tips?

[Hedwig]

Hi Amybee,

I'm afraid I don't have any tips - I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's really hurtful and draining to have a family member behaving like that. For me, it was my mum and she would try to hold us responsible for all of her problems and mirror her mental health problems onto us, too.  You're absolutely right, they can turn it off like flipping a switch when other people are around, which is so confusing can make you doubt yourself. 

[Panda39]

Hi Amy,

Welcome to the group    I'm glad you've found us there is a lot of support, information and tools to be found here.

I, like you am here because of someone not diagnosed with BPD offically but the shoe fits.  However it isn't really about labels is it?  It's really about how to deal with behaviors. Several things you mention ring bells with me regarding your brother's behaviors.

But being his typical self, he has now changed his tune (always) and has decided my Mum has it. Then my Dad has it. Then I have it. Now his girlfriend has it. He has always blamed everyone else for his issues in life as it seems he can make no fault.

You have this absolutely correct, he is projecting his issues onto everyone else because it it too hard for him to face/handle.  Recognizing this is good, when we can recognize it really isn't about us it makes it easier to take these types of things less personally.  Not fun to deal with but also not about us and who we are.

More on Projection... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

He gets in INTENSE rages that include saying anything he could to our family to hurt us.

Difficulty regulating emotions is also a behavior all of us here recognize.  When he goes into a rage what do you do?  How do you and your parents react?

He thinks Dad is amazing and Mum is evil most of the time and tried to play them against each other.

This sounds like black and white thinking or "splitting".  Someone is all good and someone is all bad and the two can switch, the all good person can become the all bad person and vis versa.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94786.0

A few days ago he messaged Mum saying he was going to put a bullet in his head so we all rushed over to his house to talk him down.

Have you ever thought about calling 911 when he makes a suicide threat?  After all none of you are professionals, how about getting the professionals involved?

It sounds like BPD is new to you.  When I first discovered it I did a lot of reading and found that really helpful in terms of getting a good grounding in what BPD is and what I was dealing with (the person with BPD in my life is my Partner's ex-wife).

Some reading suggestions...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
by Valerie Porr, M.A.


Take Care 
Panda39