Moving out but has he moved on?

[Kayce123]

Hi and thank you in advance,
I believe my ex boyfriend has BPD. When I started reading about it, what I had been trying to explain for months now had an explanation.  He sold his house and moved in with me last year. Prior to selling his house he had seen my search history and saw I had visited a dating advice forum. I found it when I was single and would still occasionally go on when I had some free time and once in awhile write advice. I had mentioned this to him during a phone call. He had no reaction. Suddenly though, after he looked through my search history, I was accused of seeking out men on a "dating site" instead of anonymously posting encouragement to women who were dealing with dating woes. He refused to listen to anything I said that debunked his idea, look at the site, and denied I ever told him about it.  I was stunned anyone could reach the conclusion he did  or not understand or appreciate it felt good if anything I wrote was helpful. He was jealous of that and thought I was neglecting his problems. I thought it had to be some huge misunderstanding. After a lot of drama and saying he loved me for the first time, he said he was ok. I thought it was ok too since it seemed like such a minor thing was blown way out of proportion.

He moved in several months later. Over time his suspicious and controlling behavior became more apparent. Things I did that would normally be viewed as thoughtful, helpful, or considerate were given malicious intentions by him.  He had left a job to start a business. He hadn't started the business because he needed start up money. He made a profit from the sale of his house. He wanted to make some costly (but not necessary) improvements to my house like a pool.  I didn't have the money to contribute and he still  wasn't working. I said I'd love to have those things, loved his ideas, and him for wanting to do that but maybe put money into his business first and then we could focus on the house. He exploded saying I took away any feeling  it was his home too.  He didn't sleep well at night. I work and couldn't do a late starting schedule and get anything done. If  I wrote a note saying I didn't want to wake him and had run to the grocery store, I was sneaking off to message or meet men. He could be up half the night on his phone but he was beyond reproach in his mind. If I was on mine for 5 minutes to check emails, that somehow equated to being on it all hours and hiding while on it.

He had excuse after excuse for not working but they eventually circled around to me not helping him or being a partner. Me going to work was leaving him behind, according to him. I encouraged him to pursue his business. He didn't but complained about wasting away sitting in "my house" and was depressed. He would say he didn't feel comfortable and I had made him not want to do anything in a house that wasn't his.

He was affectionate until a few months ago. He wasn't hypersexual though. He has erectile issues.  Even during the time when he claims he was in love with me, he tried to cover this up with I was pressuring him. His idea of pressure was me sliding my foot up his shin before going to sleep. He eventually dropped the pressure story to say the things I did and the type of person I am turned him off.

He has threatened to leave several times since late fall. Each time he was full of excuses why he couldn't leave. (Somehow they were conveniently  ALL circumstances beyond his control.) Each time he withheld a little more when he stayed.

This last time I had reached my limit. Just a few weeks prior he had made a reference to something four years in the future in the context of us being together. He got irate at me after asking me if I had any ideas on how to solve an aspect of a yard  project we were working on. I foolishly forgot and suggested an idea. He went off how my ideas were stupid, I complicate everything, I am a know it all, and change the plan. He ended by storming off and saying, "I'm not in love with you!"
When I approached him later he launched into how this wasn't working, there was no us, he had to get out because I made him miserable. I told him to find his happy then. He came up with excuses and I told him those were all solvable problems. After that he felt the need to tell me (with a very distorted timeline of events ) all the reasons I became repulsive to him.

 I had had it even though I still loved, and still do love him. I tried so to understand and be aware of his emotions. I walked on eggshells a lot and pushed aside the unfairness. He had his daughter two weekends a month . It felt like he intentionally tried to cause resentment by having a double standard. What wasn't ok for me was ok for her. I ended up being nice but restrained around her. It seemed the more attention I paid to her in the past, the more he set up the inequality. I have listened to him talk about his daughter. He says things as if she is very important, but if I let him go on with his one sided conversations they led into how he was tired of the driving to get her, doesn't know what to do with her, isn't going to chase her to see him when she gets older, and wouldn't have had a kid if he could go back in time. All these things were said very calmly as part of more than one conversation. One time when he was accusing me of talking to men I brought up he talks to his ex. He exploded and said he wouldn't if he didn't have to, he didn't choose to have her (the implication was his child) but he chose me. It seems as if he can control his outbursts around his daughter when she does things that would typically set him off. My question is: Is it possible he has the control to not get angry or, with what he has said, does he just not care that much about her so he doesn't feel the emotions to have to control?
It saddens me to think yes is an answer to either part.

As it stands currently I told him he could stay until he found a place. He has just purchased a house. He had limited funds left as he never did get a job. I realize the house he bought could have just been the best fit for  his resources, but it is in the same small town I live in. He has nothing here except me though. His daughter lives over an hour away. He suddenly now has found a job when he just couldn't and wouldn't get one for the past year. I can understand I enabled that by letting him continue to live with me but it still feels like a slap in the face.  He is now warming back up to me slowly. I don't want things to be hostile. He has started making comments that imply he wants to still have contact.

I can empathize with how he can have conflicting feelings as I am sad, relieved, and angry about this all at the same time. I just can't imagine the extremes though.

Thank you  to anyone who read my lengthy post. I guess I am looking for viewpoints on how to possibly read his behavior and what is the best way to move forward if contact is agreeable to both of us? I want him to get help but I don't know the best approach. He self-medicate with marijuana and thinks that is all he needs. I wouldn't be against getting back together as I do love him but I will not under the same cycle.

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[Learning_curve74]

Hi Kayce123, welcome to the community. 

I read your story and I understand that you've been through a lot. While nobody here can professionally diagnose your exbf with BPD, it sounds like he might have a lot of BPD traits. Specifically a lot of his thoughts and actions seem to be at the whim of his turbulent emotions. It can be a roller coaster for us that are in a relationship with somebody with BPD because the way their minds work is different from how we process our thoughts and emotions. I say that having been in a relationship with an exgf who was professionally diagnosed with BPD, and I felt like I was constantly on high alert to be able to deal with her issues.

Have you read up about BPD? This is a good start to understanding what somebody with BPD struggles with:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-symptoms-diagnostics

It sounds like you two are still having contact. How do you feel about the things you two are discussing?

Hang in there. I know that I received a lot of support here that helped save my life. There are others who understand and can offer support.

[Kayce123]

Hi Learningcurve,
Thank you for writing. It's sure has been a roller coaster. I have read up on BPD but theres always more to learn so thank you for the link.

"High alert" is a perfect way to put it. While I can logically know I'm not all to blame like he says, it can still make me emotionally question if there's a grain of truth in his accusations for how I act. I'm trying very hard to maturely examine my behavior separate from his.

 I said he could stay until he found a place. He is still here for a few more weeks until the close of his new house. We sleep in separate rooms and don't really talk about much. I try very hard just let him go on if he does talk. I admit, I've lost my cool a few times. My friends have told me I should put his things out and change the locks.  I don't want that level of immaturity but at the same time I'm still giving him considerations he never gave me. It's as if it's always a catch .22 - treating him the same way he has treated me would make everything worse ( for me , not just him) with the added hostility, but the overall unfairness is hard to swallow, even if it's my choice to give him those considerations.  It's like the best I have is to choose the lesser of two evils.

So many things feel like a slap in the face. He just started a job when he had every excuse not to for the past year. He has recently been keeping a normal schedule of not being up half the night and getting up early. Just this morning he was outside doing a workout. I had been very into bodybuilding when we met. He gave me so much grief about my trainer and what I was doing. I put being hardcore with working out on hold because of an injury, but also because it wasn't worth the grief he gave. He never got up to work out with me at home and later spun the story when I worked out less that I  had only been doing it to see the trainer and he would have joined me working out at home IF I truly had been passionate about it. Reality was ... I had been told how inconsiderate I was to make noise working out (in the basement!) while he was sleeping (all the way upstairs!) in the morning.

It feels (accurate or not) as if he was purposely withholding so many things he could have done to be a contributing partner because the thought of doing those things with me was too distasteful.

Although, he was doing "we future talk" this morning. It wasn't about anything meaningful ... just about some plants we had planted. He has always done that though when he calms down after saying he is done. He's still moving out and has in the past indirectly covered up/explained  the "we future talk" in the context of maybe being friends.

Logically and intellectually I can reason if he hated me as much as he has said he wouldn't "slip up" with his talk or actions that indicate he doesn't hate me. Emotionally though, it feels like I'm a moon eyed fool who can't take a hint I'm not wanted.

[Kayce123]

So... he is going through with buying the house, barring a potential escrow issue he made sure to mention. He is supposedly doing well at his new job too. He is being much nicer, but again, I'm left asking myself why am I still accepting scraps?

The logical side of me asks myself: "He's being nicer?"
And answers: "He should be being nice. I'm giving him a place to live until he gets his own place!"

He got home from work early today and offered to make lunch. During lunch he opened a new jar of pickles and commented on how strong they were. I agreed. He followed that by saying (in a nice tone) to not buy that brand again. What?

 While I can wrap my head around BPD in some ways, I'm still confused as ever about other things. He will talk about moving out and request I not get the same brand of pickles in the same conversation? He has done and said opposing things each go-round.

I'm not sure what to make of him working. For months I encouraged him to put a plan together. He couldn't  or wouldn't. If I suggested anything (at his request, mind you) he would get mad that I was running the show. If I stepped back, I wasn't helping. But now, he can go to work when it's for him when he couldn't find it in himself to do that as part of a commitment to a relationship?

Part of me wants to believe he's doing things to get himself out of his rut to return as a better partner. The realistic part of me says this is all for him. Either way, I can't wait around for my own well being and hold onto what might be "maybe". I just want to consider all possibilities while processing this so I can put things in better order in my own head.
 
Does anyone have any input on deciphering his opposing words and actions, other than it's just the nature of BPD?

[Baglady]

Hi Kayce 

I'm following your thread because I'm also very interested in understanding why people with BPD juxtapose opposing words and actions almost in the same breath. 

My exBPDh, LITERALLY 2 minutes after very jubilantly filing divorce papers online all the while obnoxiously bragging about how awesome his single life was going to be, abruptly changed topics to talk about a vacation that we should take abroad together in the next six months.  He was super animated describing in detail all of the places that we could visit and how wonderful this trip would be for the our family.   My teen son (actively processing our abrupt divorce) was in the room at the time and we just looked at each other slack-jawed in shock.  It was SO bizarre and irrational that we just froze and stared at him blankly as he monologued for a good 10 minutes about this trip that we were going to all take as a family.  It was so disturbing that it, in fact, was one of the key events that helped me wake up from my FOG and realize just how seriously ill my ex was.

Never really understood it from a clinical point of few and it's just an intellectual curiosity for me now to try to make sense of it.

Warmly,
B.

[Kayce123]

Hi B,
Thank you for taking time to reply and tell your story.

Dealing with someone, especially a partner, who exhibits BPD traits is like having curveballs thrown at you randomly, yet frequently. It is difficult to wrap your head around how someone who appears to be able function normally in a number of life aspects can act so differently over things that don't usually register as even a blip on most people's radar.

Sadly, I can say I'm not surprised by what your ex husband said, even though it is extreme. My ex bf's only response in the past was to up his deflection game of listing my faults and then trying to end the conversation by saying nothing I said matters because we are over when I confronted him with logic over his inconsistencies.

As much as I would like for things to work I need to pay attention to how dysfunctional this is. I have to really think about how ignoring his rants, insults, and inconsistencies just to get to a period of calm before it repeats is in any way a quality life. It's frustrating and sad I would lull myself into believing that is a workable option. My heart goes out to him though. I think that no matter how bad I've felt over what he has said and done, his pain feeling like he does must be 10 times worse. I can't fix it though and trying to understand has gotten me nowhere except for him to act as if he's justified in blaming me for feeling how he does.

Thank you for pointing out what made you see things for your situation. It helped bring more reality into my thinking.

[Baglady]

Hi Kayce 

I'm always struck by how similar all our experiences are with our pwBPD.  Yep, I remember the irrational circular arguments, typically over nothing major in hindsight, where when I would challenge the logic of his argument, he would abruptly cut me off in the same way or just stomp out of the house to avoid my logic.  He fought back too by saying that I didn't know how to argue, that I never made sense and that arguing with me was like arguing with a child, oh my, the projection at play  and the worst part was that I fell for it hook, line and sinker!  I really let him define my reality far to much.  My healing has really been focused upon breaking down 27 years of false programming from him and it will likely take me the rest of my life!

It seems to me that you have a much stronger sense of who you are and a far better head on your shoulders than I had which I'm very happy to observe.  In my defense, I met my ex when I was 20 (and not in a good place and very impressionable ).  My absolute biggest regret about our marriage is that I brought a child into this world with him.  I now get to escape his increasingly dysfunctional behavior but my child unfortunately does not or will not in the future without having to work through a lot of hurt.  This fact pains me deeply.

I wish you luck with your discernment.

Warmly,
B