Coming to terms with the knowledge that nothing you do will every be enough

[Goldcrest]

Something i have been sitting with a lot recently is trying to tolerate/accept that nothing I give/do/say/offer to my parents will ever be enough or held on to. I have finally had the courage to see my father (the enabler) as being disappointed in me too. That he puts pressure on me to look after my mothers needs/feelings/pain so that he doesn't have to deal with it. He sees emotions as weakness and coldness as strength.

I've worked hard recently at keeping a boundary with my mother. I recognise my difficulties with keeping the boundary because of guilt but I have kept reinstating it and although it is helpful for me, I struggle daily with the depression around their reminders that I have neglected them and let my mother down (she is sick with cancer). I keep pouring sand in to the sieve and now I am out of sand and literally can't give anymore even if when I obilgated to do so.

Not asking for advice just interested in hearing other peoples experiences of that hopelessness. The double bind, the damned if you do damned if you don't.

I also wanted to acknowledge that I do read people's posts on here and wish I could offer advice but sometimes it is simply hard to know what to say. My often response is "get away from them/her/him" but I know that is the one thing I can't do myself. Sorry for the ramble.

[Harri]

Hi.   

This is a tough and painful realization to come to.  It is hard when the goal posts keep changing isn't it?  My mom, when she was alive, wanted total obedience and acceptance of her reality.  It was a tough place to be as she was so disordered and so was my dad.

I have finally had the courage to see my father (the enabler) as being disappointed in me too. That he puts pressure on me to look after my mothers needs/feelings/pain so that he doesn't have to deal with it. He sees emotions as weakness and coldness as strength.

This is a huge realization as well.  It can be hard for those of us with non-parents who enable to give up the idea of having a healthy parent or the one who protected us.  Mine never did, though I know some here were more fortunate in that area.  Mine wanted me to be "good" to make his life easier, even after I was an adult and eventually moved out. 

How are you doing coping with that?

Eventually, as the truth of not being able to give my parents what they wanted really set in for me, this realization became freeing.  I saw the futility in my trying to give my mom what she demanded/wanted/thought she needed and instead was able to focus on not buying into the false choice game.   Seeing my dad as part and parcel to her dysfunction also became freeing. 

What helped me get through and manage and learn new ways of responding was the freedom to make choices based on what I thought was the right thing to do and to make choices about what was best for me.  Doing that required me to tolerate a lot of internal discomfort and required changing some long held conditioned behaviors and beliefs, but it was all worth it.

When the game is set up for you to fail no matter what, stop letting them set the rules of the game.  Hell, stop playing their game and make your own based on you, your personal values and needs as you develop healthier ways of being.

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship you can not have with them.  Realize too that it is on them though.  It is not your failure and though it will be a source of sadness it can also be a source of strength and change.  It was for me and for many others here.

BTW, you are not required to post to others.  We all have something to share though when we are ready.  You may not know what to say to others but you can encourage them and help them find courage and strength while listening to them.   

[Sancerre89]

I just joined this site and your subject is exactly why I joined. More than anything I seek peace and acceptance of the fact that I can’t control my mothers perception of me. I can only try my best to not let it form my own perception of the truth of who I am. I’m not there, but I hope we both will be soon. Thank you so much for sharing

[Turkish]

Your father not choosing to be emotionally cut off from his wife might be a survival mechanism, but I see it as certainly weak to pass his role off to you. 

I don't think I ever experienced not doing enough, but rather not being enough, which I came to realize was my mother desiring me to live in a way and accomplish things which she never did.

In such cases, these are parents tossing their balls into our courts about which things they alone should take ownership.

[Goldcrest]

Hi All, really appreciate your replies. Harri, because of my mum's cancer and having been so involved with them over the last few years (I was VLC for a good 10 years of my life before) I have really had to confront my damage and their terrific neglect. My dad was always a tough one for me. As a little girl I adored him, when my mum and brother would tease and torment him for their own entertainment I would weep because it made me feel physically sick. I never wanted to see him as being neglectful (he worked long hours in the city and gaslighted everything we endured). Interestingly my brother is deeply angry with him for our childhood where as I am angry with my mother. He has a tremendous capacity for stress and bullying. He is morbidly obese and will freely admit that he has had his life and doesn't mind if he dies soon. He will try and buy me with money when I am supplicant but rejects me with a very cold demeanour when I don't comply - and be my mothers comfort 24hours a day. He fully expects me to give up my life and care for me. I was born to serve. His coldness does hurt me, whereas with my mother I know the drill. So I am living with the loss of both and it is quite a shock.

Eventually, as the truth of not being able to give my parents what they wanted really set in for me, this realization became freeing.  I saw the futility in my trying to give my mom what she demanded/wanted/thought she needed and instead was able to focus on not buying into the false choice game.   Seeing my dad as part and parcel to her dysfunction also became freeing. 

Yes to this Harri and I am getting there but I struggle every day with the knowledge that I am failing them. They are a formidable team. My mother operates with my father on a destroy then idolise relationship...and my father lives for being idolised so when I put in a boundary she will draw him in and he laps it up. Then they operate as this perfect bubble to which I am locked out of in the icy cold. It is horrible. I am getting there. I saw something recently about Depression being Deep Rest and it made me see that I am simply rebuilding, letting go of my borderline personality traits (people pleasing, triangulation, drama seeking) that have caused me pain and are unhealthy.

I could give my mother my life and she would still not feel full. It is horrible knowing that you are giving and giving at the expense of your own mental health and yet they want more. That the next door neighbour is a saviour compared to you.

Your father not choosing to be emotionally cut off from his wife might be a survival mechanism, but I see it as certainly weak to pass his role off to you. 

Yes Turkish and I also see he is just as vindictive and I am simply an object. He absolutely cannot understand the toll that my mother's need has taken on me. Even as I write that sentence I feel very selfish because she has cancer, she is sick. But I know that if was by her bedside caring for her 24 hours a day I would be doing it wrong/upsetting her/even having hair when she is losing hers would be an insult to her. It is very sad. I do love my mother and there are times I feel deeply sad for her but we all have to face our aloneness. No one can fill the void for us.