Feeling like I can’t anymore

[spinninghead]

Hi everyone. Thank you for being there. I’ll keep it short. I’m at my wits end and feeling like I can’t take anymore. The constant suspicion, the distrust, the blaming, the name calling, the mocking, the circular logic, the projecting of fear of abandonment onto me, the tenuous finances, the messes that follow her, the dominance of her health-issue-of-the-day, etc.

My wife has been diagnosed with BPD. Some days I have felt hopeful as she has embraced the diagnosis and talked about wanting to feel better. Other days, when she’s activated, it becomes all about me being the one with the problem.

We’ve been married three years. I saw none of this while we were dating and engaged. We have been in couples therapy for two years. We each see our own therapist also. Every week, they patch us up and put us back in the game.

I’ve read several books from BPD survivors, read some on stopping caretaking, and several other books on trauma to try to understand her better. Putting the step in action have helped somewhat, but in some ways created more distance and conflict.

I know this is only a partial explanation. I know I’m not saying much about my role in perpetuating the conflict. I also know I’m struggling with the notion (which I’ve read many places) that BPD is a mental illness and I have to be the one to do all the changing. I’ve been trying my best to make the changes and I’m exhausted. Completely exhausted. To the point of physical symptoms.

Anyway. Thank you for listening and being here. I hope you all are staying safe during this pandemic.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Spinning,

Let me say Welcome...I’m sorry the circumstances that found you here, but kudos to you for seeking support. This is a great place to help you sort things out.

I am currently going through my own struggle and as such don’t feel I can offer much other than compassionate understanding. I have felt exhausted myself for a long time. Sometimes the effort, for me, to utilize the tools feels like its own demanding relationship. Currently, it feels like the simplest of conversations with my uBPDH feel impossible.

Please share some specific details around where you are struggling with your wife, whatever you are comfortable with.  Please know that it is hard to shock people on this site...I’ve laid out some doozies and no one has batted a virtual eye.

And, those with more knowledge and wonderful guidance will be along soon.

Hang in there...I’ll be checking in on you. Take care.

[spinninghead]

Hi, UBPDHelp. Thank you for replying.

I haven't checked on this thread in several days because, like you, I am not just exhausted by the downs in the relationship, but I am exhausted by trying to manage myself during the downs of the relationship. It does feel like a whole other relationship in itself!

Honestly, I am scared to share too much. I feel like if I say too much, she may somehow find this thread, realize it's me, and the KABOOM! Another world war under our roof. (Persistent electronic snooping and tracking is one of the things driving me crazy.)

At the moment, the ratio of "happy fun days" to "Oh crap here we go again days" is at best 50/50. Lately, the rough days have been more frequent. I imagine the stress of the pandemic is part of that. She's been activated by something the past 3 days and I'm honestly not even sure what it is. I've asked, with as much kindness as I could muster, if she needed to "check in" (our couples therapist's words). The replies have gotten have ranged from "Something is bothering you and you're not telling me" to a tight-lipped "I'm fine." This morning I got 4 words as she brusquely left for work. "Have a good day." Her body language is very clear that she is angry and threatened about something and I can only guess what I did or didn't say right while I washed the dishes and folded laundry last night.

I know, I know, I KNOW that it's really difficult for her to regulate her emotions, especially the negative ones (which seem to vastly outweigh the positive ones). I know that once she senses some kind of threat/disrespect/attack on her safety and self, then logic is gone. In those moments, being absolutely loving and validating in the face of fairly brutal verbal onslaughts by her is only effective part of the time. I know it's not her fault. Her traumatic childhood was horrific. And I also know it's not my fault either.

I love her very much. I wish for both of us to have a happy life together. The more this goes on, the less it seems possible. Has there been some progress? Yes, a little. She does usually acknowledge the diagnosis and is in the contemplative stage of change, investigating DBT and other stuff... but the day to day anger, sadness, and insecurity that she keeps aiming my way is really not improving. And this is after 2 years of couples therapy and more than a decade of individual therapy for her. A few weeks ago, I was actually afraid of her. She did not physically abuse me, but she was the picture of someone about to physically attack and would not cease the verbal attacking (due to where she placed her body, I could not exit the room and did not have a phone nearby).

I confide in a sibling and a lifelong best friend via my work phone because there is no way I could have open conversations about this stuff on my personal phone. They are both incredibly patient, hearing me out every time. Their advice is clear, as they both believe the relationship is unworkable.

I used to believe I was a decent, kind person. Most of the time now, I don't think that much of myself because it is hard to when someone persists in pointing out all the flaws they see and telling me all the awful things I "always" do and all the good things I "never" do.

I'm exhausted by the invisible and false threats to her safety. I'm exhausted by the "crisis of the day." I'm exhausted by being told over and over and over what's wrong with me and why I am the cause of our relationship troubles. I am exhausted by caring for the house and the kids and the finances and myself. I am exhausted by paragraphs of text telling me that I am going to cheat on her and use her trauma against her.

This is so ridiculously unhealthy. Why can't I see that for real and take the steps needed to have a healthy life?

[Baglady]

Hi Spinning 

I would challenge you by saying that you do, in fact, see that this is a very unhealthy dynamic between you both.  You are acknowledging reality.  You see it and and you know that deep down some action has to be taken one way or the other.  Something has to give.

However, you are completely exhausted and tapped out (and global events are adding to the stress).  It's likely overwhelming to contemplate any next steps - continuing on as things are or making changes.

Maybe time to step back, take a breath and try to implement some basic self-care?  You need more gas in the tank before making any decisions either way.

Warmly,
B

[Freedom_83]

I can relate to all of this.  It's my story as well.   At the end, my wife went to the emergency clinic once for rapid heartbeat, and I went twice, because I had symptoms of a heart attack.   Have a treadmill stress test etc coming up soon, which may turn out to be a great thing, who knows.   
I'm really glad you wrote this, as I've been embarassed it took me 6 months after separating, and first hearing that she might have it, to accept that my wife has BPD.    I guess I was ready when I was ready.  I had to go through all that emotional stuff, the bargaining, the anger, all of it, and I still do.   Something that helped me was when a Dr told me not to wait for the diagnosis.  It's funny now but I was waiting to hear from her that she was diagnosed with BPD, so I could move forward.  The Dr. gave me permission not to wait for a diagnosis that will likely never come, and it doesn't mattter anyway.   I couldn't live with her, it was pure misery for me, so whatever label they put on that, I don't want it.  I can't do it any more.   After reading the Stop Caretaking book, and going by their description of a pwBPD, and working with my therapist, I realize she has a ton of the symptoms, and some that she doesn't have, IMO would very likely have surfaced over time if I'd stayed with her longer.  I trust my wife not to cheat.  He said if I gave her enough time maybe then she'd start a romance!  I hope not, but truth is she gets very very lonely, so the idea is not impossible.   
Long story short, the only thing that's recharged my batteries is being separated physically from her, *and going low-contact*.   The no contact days are even better.  I love my wife, but she drains the life out of me if I talk to her on the phone, and I just feel horrible before and after the call.   I'm dreaming about when we're divorced and I can block her number.   
Good luck, brother!  Glad you're here. 

[Freedom_83]

This is so ridiculously unhealthy. Why can't I see that for real and take the steps needed to have a healthy life?

What I read, is that pwBPD find people that are really good and decent, have a history of dealing with family members with disorders, and are loyal to a fault, never giving up on anybody.   At least all these things apply to me.   At the beginning of this thing, I swore I wouldn't get divorced, and would try absolutely everything before I went that route.  I did therapy, couples therapy, 12 step programs, went to like half a dozen therapists and a few doctors.  2 of them told me this relationship would result in my death(still didn't stop me), 3 of the religious ones with a background that doesn't allow divorce, told me to divorce.   2 of them told me it was not *quite* impossible, and they'd work with me as long as I wanted to try.   Luckily, 2 of them knew about BPD, so that's been at the back of my mind.   I've been in denial until I went low-contact with her around 12 days ago, and have been able to think clearly and not be manipulated.   When I talk to my wife, it causes me to be confused and depressed, and I can't think straight.   This last 18 months, for me, the idea of leaving her felt like death.   Like walking into a volcano, just impossible to imagine surviving.  It was all bound up with my mom.  Turns out, I married a woman just like her LOL and makes me feel horrible.    Divorcing her equated to something approximating giving up on my mom, deep inside me.   My therapist says I want to fix my wife, because my brain says if I do so, then my horrible childhood wasn't my fault, it really was my mom, something like that.   He's probably right and the programming is just buried so deep I don't see it.   Anyway, I found a BPD loved-ones forum on Reddit, and started reading that.   The stories hit home in a different way than therapy.    I went low-contact, and then it was off to the races for my progress.   I accept she's BPD and can't be cured, I can't fix her, and I can't live that crazy life.   I'm working up the strength to finalize the divorce, but I'm pretty close.   It doesn't feel like the end of the world, just another, really PLEASE READty breakup conversation with her, without that desperate fear and anxiety I used to have.   All I have to do is read her text messages and get back on the crazy train, and ruin my progress, I'm well aware LOL  Hopefully , one day at a time, I won't do that. 
Good luck!  There really is hope for you to save your life.  You just may not be able to save your face while you do it 

[spinninghead]

Hi, everyone. Thank you for your posts and sharing your experience with me. It helps to talk to those who are living it, too. It's amazing how similar the experience seems - the chest pains, the incredibly confusing "talks", the blaming. All of it.
I also read "Stop Caretaking...". It was eye opening. However, my therapist, who recommended it, doesn't agree that pwBPD cannot change; neither does the couple's therapist, nor her therapist. If that's true, that pwBPD cannot make changes, what's the point of DBT? Kind of a wondering question, not needing an answer. I guess the bigger questions are can my wife make any changes? If so, will it be enough? If not, can I do this?
Freedom83, interesting point about your mom. I believe my mom had BPD also, albeit a milder case. Your realization of ending your marriage feeling like giving up on your mom hit me like a train. My dad was incredibly patient and tolerating of my mom's constant critiques of him. He laughed it off. I feel like if I can't do the same, then I'm a lesser person.
God, I just want to give all of you a hug. As supportive as my therapists and friends are, you folks actually get it. I hope that as I figure my stuff out, I can be supportive to others here, and not just "take."
Wishing you all health and happiness

[spinninghead]

I started this post by initially saying "I feel like I can't anymore."

Well, I can't anymore. I don't just feel like I can't. I know it. I know, deep down, this is not the life that I want. My wife with diagnosed BPD (how do I abbreviate that?) may or may not be able to learn skills to help regulate her emotions, to help her stop being verbally abusive, to help her stop projecting, etc. I need to continue to learn to stop trying to take care of her (and everyone else on the planet) and continue to develop self-confidence and self-compassion. I have a lot, a LOT, more learning to do about myself, how I got into this, and how not to do it again.

Despite so very many therapy sessions, both individual and couples, we keep getting into the same ruts. We come away from the session with a list of things to try. We try them, we try to stick to the script, and invariably she ends up triggered and I end up having to set a boundary and then extricate myself before it gets worse. My therapist has had me keep track of good days and bad days. Initially, the ratio was like 3 good to 1 bad. Lately, we've had one actual good day in the past 14 days. Over the past 6 weeks, difficult days far outweigh the good. She is going back and forth between being triggered and aggressive and remorseful, sad, and tearful.

We have each lost most of our friends. We have very few couples' friends. We are both even somewhat estranged from our families now, too. The only close friends I have left live in states far away. I have allowed myself to have no actual support network.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot keep hoping and trying for every little inch of progress when we have miles to go. I love her. I think she loves me. Yet I can't take any more of it and no longer believe we should be married. I cannot stay in the victim/persecutor/rescuer triangle. I also do not want the kind of relationship described in "Stop Caretaking...", the kind of relationship built on solid boundaries that would keep my wife at emotional arm's length to save my sanity. I would rather be alone.

I need to find the strength to say the difficult words that will end this relationship. I am full of fear.