Lost

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As someone with bpd for a long time, I live with a lot of guilt and shame or whatever. I used to be so full of myself. Boys loved me and I was okay with life. My ex ghosted me cause I wasn’t a good girlfriend. The ghosting destroyed me. In ways I still can’t understand. Truly broke me. I don’t think I’ve ever truly been in love. I grew up in an abusive family. I was never good enough, I found my value outside. I loved traveling, college and partying. I had a decent life until these symptoms added up. Then I realized I was ghosted as a teenager and I did cut myself for no reason. So maybe I was always like this. Anyways, I thought I fell for this guy hard that I’m with now. He adores me. I wasn’t a good girlfriend again. Always afraid he’d ghost me, accusing him of things even going as far as to hitting him. He did things that made me lose my mind that shouldn’t have. He then cheated on me, confessed to me asked me to treat him better and asked me to get married. As someone with bpd, I had the upper hand I was happy in a strange way. I also got my revenge. After months we got back together but my anger came back. I was violent and he started to defend himself from me. There are things I’ll never forget, never forgive. I think about them all the time. I never let him be happy because of what he did and it’s unfair and I live with all this guilt, that in a way I feel he blamed on me. I try to be better everyday but it’s not for me. I just want to run away change my name. But I can’t even understand why he adores me so much. He won’t ever let me go. And I can’t go. I have no idea what I’m doing. I think the worst of everything. My life is a constant nightmare. I live in a cycle of bad memories of abuse and guilt and hatred. The only peace I have is those few moments I feel in the present when I see him smiling at me and I feel this is a whole new person. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t know where else to go. If anyone also knows a good group therapy I’d love to go. I’m just filled with so much anger and hate in my heart.

[Mariexo]

As someone with bpd for a long time, I live with a lot of guilt and shame or whatever. I used to be so full of myself. Boys loved me and I was okay with life. My ex ghosted me cause I wasn’t a good girlfriend. The ghosting destroyed me. In ways I still can’t understand. Truly broke me. I don’t think I’ve ever truly been in love. I grew up in an abusive family. I was never good enough, I found my value outside. I loved traveling, college and partying. I had a decent life until these symptoms added up. Then I realized I was ghosted as a teenager and I did cut myself for no reason. So maybe I was always like this. Anyways, I thought I fell for this guy hard that I’m with now. He adores me. I wasn’t a good girlfriend again. Always afraid he’d ghost me, accusing him of things even going as far as to hitting him. He did things that made me lose my mind that shouldn’t have. He then cheated on me, confessed to me asked me to treat him better and asked me to get married. As someone with bpd, I had the upper hand I was happy in a strange way. I also got my revenge. After months we got back together but my anger came back. I was violent and he started to defend himself from me. There are things I’ll never forget, never forgive. I think about them all the time. I never let him be happy because of what he did and it’s unfair and I live with all this guilt, that in a way I feel he blamed on me. I try to be better everyday but it’s not for me. I just want to run away change my name. But I can’t even understand why he adores me so much. He won’t ever let me go. And I can’t go. I have no idea what I’m doing. I think the worst of everything. My life is a constant nightmare. I live in a cycle of bad memories of abuse and guilt and hatred. The only peace I have is those few moments I feel in the present when I see him smiling at me and I feel this is a whole new person. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t know where else to go. If anyone also knows a good group therapy I’d love to go. I’m just filled with so much anger and hate in my heart.

[Harri]

Hi.

I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, but it is great to see you reaching out for help and support - a very brave and scary thing to do!

This site is a support group for those who are or were in a relationship with a person with BPD, so many of the posts can be triggering to a BPD sufferer. There are resources of the type you're seeking. Please check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.

I wish you well on your journey.

Harri