Spouse with BPD re-entering therapy feeling exhausted

[palynne]

I have a spouse with BPD and we have 4 children. It has been a long road and I am exhausted. He has been out of therapy for years and has been misdiagnosed again and again but has recently agreed to see a therapist and psychiatrist again. I am trying to feel optimistic, but in past he has used therapy to reinforce his problems rather than solve them. I have never reached out to an online group or support group but am feeling like I could use support guidance. Two of my children have recently begun to see therapists for amxiety and I have so much guilt and anxiety about the reprecussions of years of stress. I am just hanging on trying to keep the family together. I find myself worrying overtime and feel sad thinking of the person I was before all this (15 years ago). I want to believe there is hope and positive outcomes, but the books I have take out of the library on BPD just leave me feeling overwhelmed. I am open to any advice or support you can offer.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[BeagleGirl]

                 

Welcome.  I'm glad you have found a place where you can get the support and advice you need.
You mentioned that your husband and two of your children are seeing a therapist.  What about therapy for yourself?  Is it something that you have done/considered.  One of the best (and hardest to follow) pieces of advice that most of us need to start with is "Take care of yourself FIRST".  I know it feels selfish, especially when those around you are hurting and you feel responsible.  If it helps, remember that taking care of yourself enables you to take better care of those around you.  Remember the airline safety lecture "Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others". 

I'm curious about your husband's previous and current therapy.  Was/is the therapist aware of/focused on BPD, or just a general counselor?  In what ways did BPDh use the previous therapy to reinforce his problems?

My dBPDh recently started DBT - the recommended therapy for BPD, from what I've read.  We are separated and going through mediation for legal separation, so opportunities to see changes in his behavior are limited.  I'm also fairly skeptical because I know how resistant pwBPD can be to therapy and my BPDh has a history of going through the motions so he can say he has "done everything I asked" but not actually applied anything he's learned.  That said, this is the first time that he will be working with a therapist who is aware of his BPD diagnosis and trained to deal with it.  I guess this is my "last hope" for any potential change in BPDh and I don't know that I'm willing to "settle" for the kind of marriage we could have with me implementing the tools I am learning to deal with his disorder.  I totally get the feeling of being overwhelmed by what you read about BPD.  I'm struggling to get through Stop Walking on Eggshells because I keep bumping up against my own unwillingness to become "vulnerable" by trying to empathize with what BPDh is going through and anger that the change in our relationship is still "all on me". 

But that's just me.  I know that there are stories of others who have been able to implement the self care and tools for dealing with pwBPD and seen improvement in their situations, if not in their pwBPD. 

Are there any behaviors that are particularly distressing for you and/or your children?  I know that it's been helpful for me to share specific scenarios and get feedback on how they can be handled better.

BeagleGirl 

[palynne]

He has been to therapists off and on for years and has been diagnosed with major depressive order. ptsd, and bipolar 2. He was able to manipulate various therapists and get meds that he wanted and abused them and convinced the therapists that I was the problem. I have found that he needs a very well trained pyschiatrist and this time he is feeling so bad/suicidal that he wanted to go. I have seen a therapist in the past and probably need to go talk to someone, but I get so tired calling insurance companies and arranging appointments. I am a classic co-dependent and it is habitually hard for me to take care of me. I was laughing to myself last night after looking at the calendar and seeing all the appointments that I should have a welcome mat which reads "welcome to the mad house". I know that for my husband though it is extremely important to find the most experienced and able person to handle him and push for the borderline consideration. Where we are now this was much easier than where we lived in the past.

[palynne]

Oh it is so tiring, I get centered and then there is a flurry of legal stuff and then for days I feel sad again. My lawyer had to have a hearing to get my stbx's lawyer to turn in discovery paperwork. She was told to by judge and did. The judge also compelled them to pick a custody evaluator and out of nowhere my ex let us know he'd like to pay child support. It's been 4 months with nothing- yes please! So we have movement, but then I received a packet of papers from the last alcohol rehab he was in over winter and the intake form was jaw dropping. In it he admits to using opiates (had no idea) drinking whenever I wasn't home, drinking and using while with kids and driving while under the influence. He also admits to using drugs and drinking at work- this was in the Fall well before the incident I actually knew about. I felt stunned. I was with my ex for 19 years, I can't imagine how I missed all this. I feel dumbfounded. In the forms he tells the intake worker that he "likes to see what he could get away with" and "that he's very good at hiding use." I know this will be useful for intake worker, but I am once again left wondering what on earth our marriage meant to him. He spent so many nights screaming and blaming me for ruining our marriage by "trying to control him" and "refusing to help him" and here he was high. I wish I could not think about the wasted years, but its heavy. I hope the custody evaluator understands my concerns now about visitation. Also, my lawyer suggested a counselor for the kids and ex to work on relationship repair. I am very cynical at this point. How am I ever going to trust him with the kids?