Had enough...

[LoverbutHater]

Hi There,
After seeking professional help through my employer, it came to my awareness that my partner may be suffering BPD which has been helpful in understanding why he does the things he does. I’ve started to educate myself further on the disorder but know my skills are limited in handling. He is unaware and can’t accept there might be more to his behaviours and often just refers to himself as a ‘maniac’. I do believe there may be a mood disorder he is also battling without help and deals with a severe chronic Pain injury which he also blames for his episodes (and I understand that may be the case regularly).
We can often argue about the most minor incidents - how I make pancakes, or how I’ve cleaned something, or to more serious accountS - impulsive spending, reckless driving or road rage.
We’ve been together for nearly 10 years, married for 5 and I’m just getting to the point of contempt and exhaustion from ‘walking on eggshells’. I’ve tried setting boundaries but they end up sounding like ultimatums. I love my husband very much but it is starting to take a toll on my own well-being. I often think about leaving but scared of what he might do to himself (he says he’d kill himself if I left) I think I should seek professional help regularly as I don’t want to talk about it with friends or family of fear of judgement. I often want to discuss with his family but get worried of their reaction. I believe his mother has swept a lot of this under the rug for most of his upbringing. Need help salvaging? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Brooklyn1974]

Glad you wrote and sorry you are going through this.  I totally understand your situation.  Glad you are starting the journey of discovering what this illness is.  It's not pretty and it does take a huge toll on the non-bpd.  Please realize that none of this is your fault, though they are experts in making you believe it is.  I would highly suggest finding a counselor (in my experience a psychologist is best).  I have tried two counselors but they lack the BPD experience/education.  Go yourself for the first time so the psychologist can get a grasp of what is going on and then invite him.  Don't use ultimatums with him, since that won't work, however I would suggest after going to say to him 'I went to therapy and it really has made me feel calmer and I enjoy it.  I would like for you to go if you would like to try it'.  Then let it drop.  Don't keep bringing it up, otherwise it becomes counter productive.  If he doesn't go then after each meeting, just go to him and mention the same thing to him how it's helping you and invite him again.

They will often threaten suicide.  My wife has.  My psychologist actually told me if I divorced her she would kill herself, though last month she up and left me and our daughter to move to an apartment, however she still stays over every night while telling me she wants a break in the marriage.

Read up on engulfment and abandonment.  Between this and the impulsiveness, rages and their low emotional IQ it puts a strain on the spouse.  Have you ever felt secure in the marriage?  Has he ever physically hit you?  Any emotional abuse?  Financial abuse? Read up on JADE, SET.  Boundaries are hard to set.  You have to be ready to set them and see them through.  You have to constantly remind yourself on why you set them and for the long-term goal.  More than likely they will push back but you need to remain strong for yourself.  Setting boundaries is not for them, they are for you in what is acceptable to you.  If you don't have boundaries they will more than likely do you harm. 

I didn't know about any of this and have been cheated on twice, physically (twice) abused, emotionally and verbally.  After trying to fix her spending issues ($25-30k) I realized that I felt like I was being used.  It wasn't until I found out about BPD and her traits that it has come all together. 

I would suggest not talking to his family about this, they don't know about BPD and will cause him to rage.  IMO step one is to start taking care of yourself.  Call a psychologist and set short term goals for yourself.  Realize that if he were to ever commit suicide that it was his choice and not yours.  I know the feeling of just wanting to love them out of this but unfortunately we can't fight that demon that is inside of them.

[LittleMissQuirky]

Hello 

I am also new here and can relate to a lot of what you posted.  I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and that you feel at the end of your tether.

I think the advice already given is really good - set some boundaries to protect yourself.  I know how hard this can be, especially with someone you love and know is suffering inside, but it will help both you and the relationship (if you choose to stay in it).  And even though it is incredibly hard, you do also need to accept that any decision to commit suicide or self-harm would ultimately be his choice.  You only get one life and should not be expected to sacrifice it for fear of what someone else may do.

I suppose you have to decide - is there enough good in the relationship and the bond you feel to this person to make it worth putting in the work to try to make things better?  Or have the years of dealing with emotional toil worn away at this to the point where you would be staying more out of fear for what your partner may do rather than genuinely wanting to be together?  Remember that your health and happiness are just as important and you deserve to be able to be comfortable in your own home and life.  Hope things can improve for you soon, whatever you decide.