Is it worth it to stay?

[Abazaba]

I've been with my fiancé for 6 years. I had absolutely no idea he had BPD. His entire family has alway just told me, in almost a joking manner, "ah well you know, he's a bit difficult." It's strange because his mom is a therapist of 25 years.

Anyways, we moved in together recently during lockdown. Those two months were tumultuous - constant arguments, tantrums, etc. We were together 24/7 and that didn't help. I got fed up and asked for a break, which turned into him going into the worst rage I've seen in the entire 6 years, and ending our relationship. Two more months have passed since then, and he is slowly starting to reach out again. I don't know if we will reconcile, but in the meantime we have both been doing therapy and I have been reading up on BPD after my therapist - literally 3 days ago - told me she thought that might be the issue here.

I spoke to my fiancé's mom who seemed to mull it over herself as well then called me back to confirm that she did think it could be BPD as well. My question is - to those of you who moved forward with getting married, etc., has it been worth it? Are there success stories? My BPD when he is in a rage will blame me 100% but when he calms back down, he is usually apologetic and accepts responsibility. He is also wiling to work on himself - but I don't know. Some of the stories on here scare me and I feel like I'm not quite sure what I'm getting myself into. Any advice?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Abazaba, just stopping by to let you know that I've heard many posters share success stories here. It's absolutely possible to maintain a meaningful relationship with someone who has BPD. I think it's fair to say that it's a good deal of work for both parties. Sometimes success relies on the severity of BPD symptoms and the person's willingness to seek help.

I think it's also fair to point out that many people that post here are doing so during their worst moments. At least, I'm guilty of it. I rarely come back to share the happy times, I'm too busy enjoying them. 

Each person needs to decide what will work well for them, and this is just one resource. You're taking the right steps (informing yourself, finding support, etc). My counselor once told me, "You'll know when you know." Take all the time you need to process all of this. It's a lot. 

And we're here!
pj

[LittleMissQuirky]

Hi there 

I'm sorry to hear things have been so turbulent for you. Only you can know your relationship well enough to make the decision of whether to proceed.

The advice you have already been given is really good. What I would add personally is that it may be worth waiting to see concrete proof that he actually is seeking help rather than simply having an intention. My partner has just now made proper steps to get help for his BPD but this is after 5+ years of saying he will and then never really making a move on it.

The fact that his mum agrees is positive. Having someone from his family who has known him since childhood and feels your concerns are justified is very powerful. I was in touch with my partner's sister with whom he was staying the last time he left and she was also talking things through with him. The fact that she agreed and reiterated everything I had said about something not being right and needing to be addressed was invaluable. I don't believe he would be getting the help without it.

Good luck whatever you decide. Just make sure your decision is based on what you want rather than any kind of guilt or sense of responsibility. You deserve happiness too!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Abazaba-

No one can answer that question for you.

What does “willing to work on himself” look like right now?  And how long and what type of therapy is he doing?  From my understanding, there’s pretty much one type of therapy (DBT) that really works, and your BF has not been diagnosed, correct?  You cannot tell him what you think... that’s an unsafe thing to do.

As for his mom, the psychologist not diagnosing BPD in her own son?  No surprise there, my friend.  First of all, not many parents would take it upon themselves to diagnose their kids.  Secondly, who knows when his traits began really manifesting?  And third, right or wrong, for a parent there can be a huge stigma associated with BPD for your kid.. since often people point to childhood trauma as the root cause.  Plus there are many psychologists who have little knowledge about BPD.  I’ve also noticed many members cite that their disordered partners are actually mental health practitioners.  So anything is anyone’s guess.

Not saying your relationship cannot work.  Just use caution in understanding that things escalated when you moved in together.  Perhaps he has some fear of engulfment - the closer he gets the further away he needs to be.  Learn all you can.

Please take your time.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Abazaba]

Well, he is doing therapy with a regular therapist once a week. I’d assume it’s CBT, but I don’t actually know. I don’t know if he knows about the BPD. He’s been in and out of therapy for many periods of his life. Right now he’s a complete mess. My initiating the break set him off in a way I’ve never seen before. He will bombard me with texts calling me names, then he’ll apologize for his mistreatment of me, then he’ll give me hope he wants to reconcile, then he’ll say he doesn’t love me anymore, then he’ll block me and then it starts all over again.

I think all I can do for now is continue my own therapy. I guess I just have no idea what to anticipate in terms of his therapy. I know he wants to work on himself, but I don’t know here the limitation of that ability ends.

[LittleMissQuirky]

He will bombard me with texts calling me names, then he’ll apologize for his mistreatment of me, then he’ll give me hope he wants to reconcile, then he’ll say he doesn’t love me anymore, then he’ll block me and then it starts all over again.

Its just my opinion, and we all have to make our own choices, but I certainly wouldn't be thinking of or talking to him about getting back together when he is exhibiting this behaviour. This is very poor treatment of another human being by anyone's standards and I think you need to be sending a very clear message that this type of thing needs to change before you will consider being with him again. Otherwise I fear you are inadvertently sending the message that you are willing and able to tolerate the same hot and cold treatment. I understand he has apologised but in my view apologies can become empty after a while if the behaviour just keeps happening. Subconsciously, he may be repeating the behaviour for the very reason that there are no real lasting consequences if he can always just say sorry.

You are obviously a very caring and empathetic person; you are trying to see things from his point of view even when he is behaving somewhat unreasonably and are considering giving him another chance. However, based on what you say I want to urge you to be very careful and ensure you protect yourself in this situation. You may also want to think long and hard about whether you actually want to be back with him and why. For example, do you honestly believe it will make you happier than being apart, or is it out of habit or a sense of duty.

Take care and I hope you find solace in whatever you decide to do.

[pursuingJoy]

Its just my opinion, and we all have to make our own choices, but I certainly wouldn't be thinking of or talking to him about getting back together when he is exhibiting this behaviour. This is very poor treatment of another human being by anyone's standards and I think you need to be sending a very clear message that this type of thing needs to change before you will consider being with him again. Otherwise I fear you are inadvertently sending the message that you are willing and able to tolerate the same hot and cold treatment.

This. Well said, LittleMissQuirky.

Be mindful of the behavior you're conditioning him to repeat by seemingly accepting it. Under the tools tab above there's a great write up on boundaries. If you haven't already, I recommend checking it out!

pj

[StellaS88]

I just wanted to add that all the replies to the original post are very supportive and helped provide perspective on my own situation. Like the OP, my ex partner with BPD seems to be afraid of engulfment (going to look into this term more, first time hearing it) and a lot of fighting and conflict came from moving in together. We did live together for 2.5 years total and he just ended the relationship, very abruptly. I absolutely think living together during COVID-19 specifically caused the break-up. He of course claims that ending the relationship is what he's wanted, that COVID and living during a pandemic is not the source of the stress, triggers, or any other factor in his depressed and unhappy feelings... this may be partly true but I struggle to believe anyone isn't being negatively affected by COVID-19, even if they are healthy.

Anyways, point being, I think living together and moving forward is possible. But a lot of it is up to you to determine. I agree with some of the commenters about being cautious about his commitment to change, to take action. I have felt very duped about my ex's treatment plans and it is tricky to assess what a person with bpd is really feeling if they aren't practicing the therapy treatments (like DBT). And even if they are, a setback is likely. If something like this happened again, do you fear escalation? Do you feel like you can set up boundaries to keep yourself safe? And do you value the relationship enough to go through it - because it is likely to be a cycle? These are all really good questions to consider. To repeat what's been said, and yes, only you can decide. Good luck and keep yourself safe, sane, and healthy to the best of your ability

[St Jude]

Abazaba,

Nice to e-meet you, and sorry to hear the struggle you’re facing.  The fact that you have been with your partner for 6 years means there’s a lot of good stuff there, but clearly the BPD is muddying the water and making life miserable, which presents the ultimate decision, marriage or separation? 

I have been with my partner for a little over 6 years, we were married last September.  He has at one point exhibited all 9 traits.  He is very resistant to labels but works with a psychiatrist and has an awareness that his emotional circuitry is not the most stellar at times.

The rapid texts using names, been there.  Absolutely despicable behavior that to this day I can’t believe this man I adore has the capacity to engage in. 

For me, and for my marriage, the struggles we went through, and continue to go through, are worth it.  We had ever so briefly attempted separation about a year prior to marriage and we reconciled very quickly. 

I am happy and proud to say my husband has never rapid fired texted me with this type of disturbing language that i have experienced in my relationship with him, but I certainly have experienced it as his girlfriend.  Would I choose to not have to deal with his emotional bouts and episodes which do still occur but are remedied much faster these days, are not as intense and are fewer and far between, 100%, this is not something you ‘pick’ when you’re putting together your ‘ideal partner’ list. 

I come from the perspective of being a sober alcoholic myself, sober 13 years now.  Can alcoholics be wonderful, functioning, amazing people, absolutely.  Can they be your worst nightmare, dangerous disasters, yep, in fact unfortunately a high percentage of alcoholics never achieve and maintain sobriety... it’s kind of like that with BPD... yes, there’s hope and the ability for someone suffering with this disorder to get better and have all of their positive qualities shine through.  But just because there’s hope with the alcohol/addict, it doesn’t mean while we’re in the throes of our disorder we would make good partners.  I’ve asked my husband what does he think he would do if I was still an active alcoholic, and he just said, ‘I don’t know hon, it would be very hard’.

I know I gave a bit of a ramble, but just wanted to let you know there’s others out here that have travelled a similar path.  I don’t know where your path will lead, and neither do you, I just hope you are able to take one good action after the next, and what will be will be.  And I hope your partner is able to find relief from this very debilitating disorder. 

Much love