Recovering from unexpected emotional abuse

[Lewin880]

My husband exhibits BPD traits. He lost both parents and suffered a heart attack over the last three years. In January he began telling me how I fell short as his wife. That I was not affectionate enough, dismisses him, had no interest in him , had traits that would lead most men to divorce their wives and was not a lover anymore. We have been married 40 years. Empty nesters. I left one night and stayed with a friend and he called me and told me I had crossed a line and there would be no return. He also told me I was driving him to suicide by leaving.  He had expressed to me a couple of times before I left that he wanted to end it all . He called again and  asked me to please come home. We met the next day and talked. He expressed his remorse and asked me to please come home. He was very sorry and very broken. I went home it has been about a month. My kids will not see him. They feel he gave a blanket apology and is not being held accountable. He has hurt them over the years. But overall had been a loving dad. He has always been easily angered and has intense negative feelings that hang on for days. He says his children have rejected him, though I have told him they are incredibly hurt that he hurt me, their mom. He has seen a psychiatrist and is seeing a therapist but it is going to be a long road and as he has dealt with depression in the past but never stayed on meds, we all have doubts about his endurance in this effort. I feel trapped. I love him dearly and know he hurts. But I also know his behavior was a choice and that hurts me. My therapist has said to forgive and move forward with strong boundaries, while affirming his feelings. This may be too hard for me. I don’t know if I have the emotional strength to continue. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I crave them. Thank you.

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[Ozzie101]

Welcome to the family, Lewin. I’m so sorry for what brings you here but I’m glad you’ve found us. We’re a supportive group and I can tell you that many of us will see shades of our own experiences in what you’ve written. (And you’ll see the same if you read around the forum.)

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Speaking from experience, stressful events can set off dysregulations in people with BPD. My H was fine (a little more volatile and moodier than most, but not alarming). Then, two years ago, a series of events led to months of verbal and emotional abuse. I was thoroughly bewildered and certain I had failed as a wife. Like yours, he accused me of dismissing him, not supporting him, that my treatment of him was wrong and everyone would agree.

Anyway, I know how hard this can be.

The thing I would say is this: No one can tell you what to do. Not anyone here. Not a therapist. Not your husband. It’s something you have to figure out for yourself. Much of that comes from listening to your instincts. Your gut. What do you feel? What do you think is best for you?

Those are big questions and it can take time and thought to come up with answers. But we’re here for you: to listen, to talk through things, to just walk the path with you.

[pursuingJoy]

Lewin, I want to join Ozzie in extending a warm welcome! You're in good company. You'll find support and encouragement here.  

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I haven't been married as long as you have, but I know what it's like to feel hurt by your husband. Last year after I explained to my MIL that we'd agreed she wouldn't be moving in, my H turned into someone I didn't recognize, starting with a verbal assault for the two hour car ride home that didn't stop for several months. I had seen that side of him before, just never that bad. What you said about intense negative feelings that hang on for days...I understand. We started marriage counseling, I learned about BPD, and that's how I'm here.

My kids will not see him. They feel he gave a blanket apology and is not being held accountable. He has hurt them over the years. But overall had been a loving dad. He has always been easily angered and has intense negative feelings that hang on for days. He says his children have rejected him, though I have told him they are incredibly hurt that he hurt me, their mom.

My kids really struggle with their bio dad and their stepdad (my husband). I tell myself that my experience isn't theirs. I don't loop them in to my story or ask them to carry my burdens by oversharing. I let them have their feelings. All well and good, but when they avoid visiting because they're avoiding their stepdad, that gets really hard.

When I was 22 I learned that my NPD missionary dad had had affairs for 26 out of the 28 years they'd been married. Mom knew about it, but kept forgiving him and covering for him. When it finally hit the fan, you bet I was upset with him for hurting her. There are five of us kids, and each one reacted differently. It was incredibly helpful that she never stopped us from contacting him, she never resented us for trying to maintain a relationship with him, nor did she pressure us to do so. She was careful, especially at first, to not overshare information.

Sharing in the hopes that you know you're not alone and share little bits that helped me when I was in your kids' shoes.   I think your therapist has given you solid advice, and I believe you are strong enough to tackle whatever choice you make.

I'm glad you're here.
pj