when they try to push your buttons on purpose

[sebian77]

hey guys. this is not my first post but my second. i couldnt find out how to post besides pressing make a first post. anyway my bpd girlfriend when angry will sometimes purposefully try to make me jealous or poke me in my "weak spots". she only does this when really angry and will deny it if i call her out on it. what is the proper way to respond to this? the best way ive found is to just get away for awhile cuz theres no reasoning when shes like that. responding to her anger with anger i can see is not a good option. thank u

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

hey guys. this is not my first post but my second. i couldnt find out how to post besides pressing make a first post. anyway my bpd girlfriend when angry will sometimes purposefully try to make me jealous or poke me in my "weak spots". she only does this when really angry and will deny it if i call her out on it. what is the proper way to respond to this? the best way ive found is to just get away for awhile cuz theres no reasoning when shes like that. responding to her anger with anger i can see is not a good option. thank u

Yeah = that's a really tough one - mine was always damned if I did - damned if I didn't.  There are some resources here about attentive listening and such.

Calling her out on it will never really work, because if she is displaying BPD traits, her interpretation of the situation will be black and white and then when the episode is over, may not ever recollect it the same way.

On the end of it, just sitting and saying nothing made things calmer, but my ex was pretty far gone, displaying NPD traits as well.

Can you say more about the ramp up and ramp down. What "buttons" does she push exactly and how does she push them?  Have you noticed cycles - like in my case it would seem to naturally come about every two months regardless and anytime near family occasions.  It also came not long after I had any kind of success.  What about you?

That might help shed light on your path forward.

Not easy for sure.

Rev

[mstnghu]

hey guys. this is not my first post but my second. i couldnt find out how to post besides pressing make a first post. anyway my bpd girlfriend when angry will sometimes purposefully try to make me jealous or poke me in my "weak spots". she only does this when really angry and will deny it if i call her out on it. what is the proper way to respond to this? the best way ive found is to just get away for awhile cuz theres no reasoning when shes like that. responding to her anger with anger i can see is not a good option. thank u

Unfortunately, I can't give any good advice as to how to get her to stop doing this. If I could, my wife would no longer be doing it to me. I can tell you that I can  COMPLETELY relate to this though.

This is a real conversation that my wife and I had during an argument one time. If I was to pick one thing to summarize and define our relationship, this would be it:

Me:
You know exactly how to push every one of my buttons and you do it on purpose. You know exactly what nasty things to say to get a reaction out of me. You know that you antagonize me and when I respond negatively, you turn the situation around on me and you play the victim. And then when I lose my cool (justifiably), you just sit there with this smug look on your face and will usually start recording me to "document" my anger issues!

Her: I know that I antagonize you and push your buttons but you just need to learn how to be a bigger person and deal with it.

I was seriously blown away by this response! Yet it fits her personality so perfectly.

[Intrigued04]

Hi! Thank you for your post! I have a male friend who often does the same thing to me when he's upset or angry. What's been helpful is to first look at your own behaviors to see what you might be doing that she could be interpreting as abandonment, feeling replaced or something similar.  I'm not saying you're at fault but a pwBPD perceives things entirely different than we do.  We often trigger them unknowingly or unintentionally because they are hypersensitive to any real or imagined abandonment or threats. Secondly, I would mirror her emotions back to her because she possibly feels  her response is validated and appropriate. She might be trying to get back at you for how she feels. Since she probably has a difficult time  identifying her emotions or expressing them  through a civil conversation, she probably acts out her emotions or projects them into you. This is what my friend does. I can never get him to have a calm conversation to resolve  a situation. It's so frustrating.

A situation happened to me where my friend, I assumed, felt replaced when I gave my attention to other friends. The next day, he reacted by talking to everyone in the room except for me. It's very difficult not to react. When I was calm and after I left the scene, I texted him and said that he is always included in my conversations and I never exclude him.  I acknowledged his feelings and said that if he was upset or angry, that he could call me and we could talk. I know that he refuses any sort of conversation.  I said I won't force you to talk but if you are going to choose to talk to everyone but me, then I will give my attention to friends that don't treat me that way.
I try to follow the SET technique.

In all reality, regardless of what I say to him, regardless if I follow through with my boundaries, it's almost as if what they're feeling is so strong, it overrides them understanding how their behavior impacts us.  As a result, there's no change in behavior until they become aware through some type of therapy.

I love my friend to death and what has helped me continue to be a friend is journaling patterns in Behavior. I Journal when he acts out and when he gets angry or upset with me and I relate it to what Behavior I may have done to make him feel that way. And then I noticed that he reacts the same way every time. The hardest part has been trying to stay calm and not take things personal because I don't feel anything they do is out of malice or to intentionally hurt us. They just feel things so deeply when they are hurt and they don't know how to tell us. Hope that helps!

[sebian77]

Thanks for the replies guys! i really appreciate it! Rev, the buttons that she pushes of mine are generally some of my jealousy triggers. She will also act like im being too sensitive or she will act like im being such a jerk to her for just breathing. She will take any vulnerability ive opened up to her and use it against me if shes angry. She will make comments about a guy on tv or something that isnt that explicit really but unfortunately i have some jealousy issues to work on. anyway she has to get to a severe level of anger to push that button and has learned to respect it a little better and be more compassionate but if shes really angry or "shut down" she doesnt really have a conscience on the issue. she also pushes buttons with a push pull effect. shell draw me in to think everything is fine and shes being sweet and then as soon as i let my guard down shell lay it on me. i have noticed any cycles per say but rather patterns and these patterns definitely have to do with her feeling i didnt include her or abandoned her or rejected her in some manner. I appreciate the input. mstnghu, that sounds exactly like what my girlfriend does and ive said almost those words exactly...that she purposefully pushes my buttons when angry. her responses when talked to about these matters when she is in the thick of it can be unbelivably insensitive. when she is not splitting she can be very sweet. when she is splitting, she can get pretty mean. Intrigued04, your friend sounds like my girlfriend. i appreciate the advice on mirroring and validating what they are going through. that is very helpful and i will definitely remember mirroring for my toolbox! i think she is getting back at me cuz she doesnt know how to deal with her emotions. i can relate too with the boundaries thing. the boundaries help me protect myself and it often helps my girl snap out of it a little but she is often so emotional that she cannot see the point in connecting on a peaceful level until her "episode" calms down or i pull away

[Intrigued04]

In my experience, I feel they intentionally push your buttons to get a reaction. I'm the type of friend who includes everybody, everywhere. My friend knew it upset if he made plans with other people and forgot to include me.  But I realized, at times, he would do it on purpose if he was upset or angry with me. When I realized the pattern, I stopped reacting.  I think when you give them a reaction, it's almost like they need to feel the intensity of your reactions in order to believe you actually care about them. I think they equate calmness as being uncaring. They feel everything so intensely but I think they also expect that back from us and they provoke it as validation.

I always wondered why he'd elicit more of a positive response after I would speak my mind or snapback as opposed to taking space, then messaging to validate his feelings. It's like they need drama and Chaos in order to feel and believe the feelings of others towards them.

I think the minute you let your guard down and there's a sense of calmness, she doesn't trust it and she needs to elicit another reaction to make sure you care. It's not that she's angry at you per se, it's more she's feeling strongly that you might not care and they don't that we ultimately have that power over them; making them feel things.  So because you made her feel that way, she has to make you feel a certain way  lbut also test you and your love.

It's very difficult being a situation where you feel like you're on two different pages or like you're being punished for a small slight. I don't know how long you've been with your girlfriend or what her childhood was like but, my friend had a very traumatic childhood so I feel like he's reenacting that all the time.

[once removed]

when someone is deliberately pushing your buttons, its best to deescalate the conflict.

im being deliberately vague. youre going to need some trial and error to figure out what works best. your inclination may provoke her to up the ante further.

why? when a person (any person) is that wound up, there is release in just going at it, no holds barred. take that away, and they will often up the ante. ive seen a million people do this. ive done it myself.

the answer isnt necessarily to just give up and walk away. that can be a part of it (you are very right that fighting fire with fire makes things worse), maybe, if things are too far gone, but it doesnt resolve anything. and resolving things, in a time of calm, is another big piece of what is a bigger puzzle than just trying to avoid her when shes out of baseline.

i have noticed any cycles per say but rather patterns and these patterns definitely have to do with her feeling i didnt include her or abandoned her or rejected her in some manner.

you may be onto something here.

the first thing to do is change your response. if shes pushing your buttons, you reward that by having your buttons pushed. i know its easier said than done, and it isnt wrong that what she does bothers you. but at the same time, the less effect it has on you, the less likely you are to respond in a way that escalates the conflict, and the less likely she is to do it, because there is no point.

understanding why she does it is part of it. understanding why it gets on your skin is another part. learning a new response is a new ball game.

[TeskoSD]

My husband once told me how much he loves pushing people’s buttons. He calls it “poking the bear” and says he knows it’s not going to lead anywhere great but it feels so good when he does it.

Yeah. So I feel ya.

Instead of asking myself why he does it, for let’s face it knowing why doesn’t change it, I’ve been actively working on disarming my buttons. I couldn’t think of any other defense. It’s hard work but it pays off for me not just with my husband but I’m many other situations where people try to push me.

My work is in progress so I know my approach isn’t bulletproof. I’ve been paying attention less to why he does it and instead I focus on when - more specifically what happened just before he started poking me. Nine times out of ten it’s when something good happens to me or when I am recognized for doing something good.

Sometimes I don’t share these good things with him. I do that when I know I won’t be able to do the work necessary to prepare for the pending button-pushing fest. Sometimes I don’t have the energy while other times I don’t feel like expending the energy. Because it is really draining, it’s like training for an athletic event. If I’m lucky, he will exhaust himself pushing all of my buttons and get bored when I don’t respond.

This approach does backfire. Sometimes he surprises me with his stamina. Sometimes gets really creative and is essentially demanding a response. So sometimes I fake being angry, hurt, upset - whatever it is he’s trying to force me into feeling. Just to get it over with.

The most important thing I do is remain hopeful that with enough time and effort I will minimize my buttons, and there will be nothing for him - or anyone else - to push.

[RestlessWanderer]

Thanks for posting. My uBPDw does the same thing. For me, the only thing that “works” is to say nothing. She may still go on and on and try to trigger me, but as long as I don’t say anything she will eventually run out of steam. Sometimes if I am feeling triggered or if she’s really aggressive with her verbal abuse I will simply walk away. If I say anything at all she will be more disregulated. If I try to validate her she will often use that as me agreeing with her then use it against me in the future. Of course if I contradict her in an effort to prove her wrong or refute what she has said then the situation is guaranteed to escalate quickly and turn into something ugly.
I am by no means an expert at this, but I try hard to not make things worse.
As Once Removed suggested, you will have to figure out what works best for your relationship. Learn as much as you can about BPD. It really helps to understand what is going on and helps to teach you how to not take things personally. It’s hard and takes a lot of work. But it’s not entirely impossible.

Good luck and I hope things go well for you.