Cutting Off My BPD Mother and Need To Not Feel Guilty

[Depression = 72% of members]

The story:

I'm 34 year old man who recently discovered my mom might have undiagnosed BPD. Four years ago when I was engaged to get married and my now wife had been complaining about how my mom was treating her. My wife had complained for years about my moms behaviour but I always explained it away. It all came to a head at Christmas one year when she came a little too early and a little too hungry for day. She became enraged at everything, not enough snacks, the dinner was taking too long, my wife was 'hiding' from her (she was stuck in the kitchen making dinner). We even told people we wouldn't  be buying presents that year because we had to pay for a wedding and my wife (fiancé at the time) made handmade desserts to send everyone home with (including gluten-free desserts for my mom). My wife was so mad at my moms behaviour she demanded I say something. I confronted my mom a few days later about her behaviour and she acted as if I deserved it. Like somehow I screwed the dinner up on purpose to make her suffer.
 I brought up her rude behaviour from that night and other events previously to show her how she has been persistently rude and how I would like her to be more respectful in the future. She rebuked the attempt claiming a conspiracy by my wife's friends and family to paint her as a monster. This type of arguing went on for months and I tried explaining it every which way possible to try and get her to understand that I just want her to maintain basic social etiquette, but she wouldn't listen.
The fighting was so bad I started having anxiety attacks and my wife and I went to therapy to try and figure out how to solve this issue. This is when my councillor and my wife's councillor separately suggested that my mom might have BPD. We began researching and reading about the condition and how to deal with it.
 After six months of not talking to my mom, she reached out to us and we secretly agreed we would treat her as if she had BPD to see what happens. I struck an agreement with my mom that if she crossed a boundary I would warn her one time and give her one chance to correct her behaviour and she agreed.
Since then things had gone well for a two years until recently when I noticed she started to revert back to her old habits. She recently crossed a line with my wife and I who are having fertility issues, asking up 'for a favor', by favor she meant adopting my 17 year old baby sister's as yet to be born baby. When I said no she demanded reasons, when I wouldn't give them to her, she resorted to guilt tripping, try to make me feel bad that my sisters child would live a horrible life if I don't swoop in and save it.
 I texted her a few days later  saying she had crossed a line and I needed some time to process my emotions and that I would call her when I was ready. When I called her two weeks later she didn't answer and has since posted on her facebook that she is 'giving the silent treatment to those who won't listen'.

The question:

 I'm tired of dealing with this all and I feel like I'm in a one-sided relationship with my mom doing all the heavy lifting. I'm at the point where I no longer want a personal friendship with my mom. I'll still respect her as the family matriarch and invite her to family events and inform her of important moments, but I'm done dealing with her nonsense and keeping this relationship alive for her sake.
For as good as that sounds I still feel this sense of guilt. I was always labelled 'the good kid' by my mom growing up and my brother was 'the bad kid' because he always fought against my mom. I grew up with this responsibility to take care of my mom and protect her and now I feel I'm doing the exact opposite. Even though I'm doing what's best for me and my wife I still feel like I'm betraying her but leaving her to her own devices. I know setting boundaries with my mom is healthy and normal and it doesn't make me a bad person, but I still feel like I'm being mean to her for wanting healthy boundaries. I just can't seem to shake that feeling and I wonder if anyone has some experience or advice that could help me?
 

[Hades3k]

The story:

I'm 34 year old man who recently discovered my mom might have undiagnosed BPD. Four years ago when I was engaged to get married and my now wife had been complaining about how my mom was treating her. My wife had complained for years about my moms behaviour but I always explained it away. It all came to a head at Christmas one year when she came a little too early and a little too hungry for day. She became enraged at everything, not enough snacks, the dinner was taking too long, my wife was 'hiding' from her (she was stuck in the kitchen making dinner). We even told people we wouldn't  be buying presents that year because we had to pay for a wedding and my wife (fiancé at the time) made handmade desserts to send everyone home with (including gluten-free desserts for my mom). My wife was so mad at my moms behaviour she demanded I say something. I confronted my mom a few days later about her behaviour and she acted as if I deserved it. Like somehow I screwed the dinner up on purpose to make her suffer.
 I brought up her rude behaviour from that night and other events previously to show her how she has been persistently rude and how I would like her to be more respectful in the future. She rebuked the attempt claiming a conspiracy by my wife's friends and family to paint her as a monster. This type of arguing went on for months and I tried explaining it every which way possible to try and get her to understand that I just want her to maintain basic social etiquette, but she wouldn't listen.
The fighting was so bad I started having anxiety attacks and my wife and I went to therapy to try and figure out how to solve this issue. This is when my councillor and my wife's councillor separately suggested that my mom might have BPD. We began researching and reading about the condition and how to deal with it.
 After six months of not talking to my mom, she reached out to us and we secretly agreed we would treat her as if she had BPD to see what happens. I struck an agreement with my mom that if she crossed a boundary I would warn her one time and give her one chance to correct her behaviour and she agreed.
Since then things had gone well for a two years until recently when I noticed she started to revert back to her old habits. She recently crossed a line with my wife and I who are having fertility issues, asking up 'for a favor', by favor she meant adopting my 17 year old baby sister's as yet to be born baby. When I said no she demanded reasons, when I wouldn't give them to her, she resorted to guilt tripping, try to make me feel bad that my sisters child would live a horrible life if I don't swoop in and save it.
 I texted her a few days later  saying she had crossed a line and I needed some time to process my emotions and that I would call her when I was ready. When I called her two weeks later she didn't answer and has since posted on her facebook that she is 'giving the silent treatment to those who won't listen'.

The question:

 I'm tired of dealing with this all and I feel like I'm in a one-sided relationship with my mom doing all the heavy lifting. I'm at the point where I no longer want a personal friendship with my mom. I'll still respect her as the family matriarch and invite her to family events and inform her of important moments, but I'm done dealing with her nonsense and keeping this relationship alive for her sake.
For as good as that sounds I still feel this sense of guilt. I was always labelled 'the good kid' by my mom growing up and my brother was 'the bad kid' because he always fought against my mom. I grew up with this responsibility to take care of my mom and protect her and now I feel I'm doing the exact opposite. Even though I'm doing what's best for me and my wife I still feel like I'm betraying her but leaving her to her own devices. I know setting boundaries with my mom is healthy and normal and it doesn't make me a bad person, but I still feel like I'm being mean to her for wanting healthy boundaries. I just can't seem to shake that feeling and I wonder if anyone has some experience or advice that could help me?
 

[GooseyLu]

I'm new here and I don't exactly have experience successfully navigating this. But I wanted to say that I really identify and I think that it's amazing that you've gotten where you're at--that sort of "detached with love" place. I went through a period of five good years with my mom after a six-month no contact period, similar to yours. I set up similar boundaries around how I would no longer engage in conflict, but that I wanted her in my life. And then... it stopped working for me, too.

Part of what helped me initially set those boundaries and not feel guilty was in realizing that, by engaging with my mom's unreasonable behavior, I was not actually helping her. She suffers a lot from her disorder. The conflict and rage wear her out and impair her health. When I set boundaries, and enforce them, it actually spares her a lot of grief, maybe even helps extend her life. Honestly. She gets so worked up when she's in a rage I worry she'll have a stroke-- or kill herself.

So it's actually an act of love and compassion.

Also, though, just really remembering that that guilt comes from my childhood. I've been trained to feel terrified of boundaries. So it's not really real, it's a sign that I need some professional support.

Good luck!

[pursuingJoy]

Hades3k, I'm in your wife's shoes. My H is enmeshed with his BPD mom and unable to detach. He can see that his mom doesn't have boundaries, but he refuses to admit the damage it causes. He will not set boundaries. It's really strained our marriage. She got so bad last year, I didn't think we would make it.

After marriage counseling and me finding BPD related support, we've settled into a routine where I don't speak to her. Visits are limited to going to see her. She doesn't dysregulate as much because she doesn't have to interact with me or make sense of my boundaries. He spends a lot of energy caretaking and reassuring and I've had to let go of trying to convince him of doing anything else. I worry about his blood pressure and health. He bends over backward to make sure she's ok.

Part of what helped me initially set those boundaries and not feel guilty was in realizing that, by engaging with my mom's unreasonable behavior, I was not actually helping her.

So it's actually an act of love and compassion.

Also, though, just really remembering that that guilt comes from my childhood. I've been trained to feel terrified of boundaries.

Goosey makes a great point. Boundaries are good for all parties, even though you can usually anticipate a big blow up when you first set them.

A few others here have brought up the concept of being the emotional leader, and I've been thinking a lot about that. pwBPD don't manage their emotions responsibly, they need us to set the emotional tone and consistent, predictable boundaries. It's not that we're superior or better than they are. We are able to pragmatically recognize their emotional limitations and because we can, we are the ones who adjust.

[Hades3k]

"Also, though, just really remembering that that guilt comes from my childhood. I've been trained to feel terrified of boundaries"

 I believe this to be 100% true of me as well. Because my mom and brother fought so much during my childhood, she's used me as an example of what a 'good child' is. Obedient, faithful, never says no, doesn't fight back. So now that I'm doing the opposite, I feel like I've taken on the roll of 'the bad child' and the emotional anxiety of what that used to mean.

PursuingJoy: I just recently learned about the term emeshment and I was completely like that. Looking back I feel so terrible for brushing aside my wife's concerns. The hardest thing I've had to do is learn to ignore more moms phone calls. I used to label my self as 'Mr. Reliable' always picking up her phone calls to save the day, so now when I ignore them I feel the worse sense of dread.

I believe I'll have to take another long break from dealing with my mom. I've used the techniques of trying to be the calm one in the argument and remind my mom to be respectful and not yell but she always says 'I will not be treated like a child' so so far that hasn't work out well for me. Thank you PursuingJoy and GooseyLu for sharing your stories, they've been very enlightening. 

[Merv_Griffin]

Hades3K, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You mention that you and your wife are having fertility issues, which is an incredibly stressful situation in its own right--let alone during a pandemic and having a parent with BPD making things worse.

I struggled for years with the decision to end contact with my BPD mom. I was determined to be the "good kid" who did not end relationships with family members, since my sister (who is also likely BPD) cut off my dad and my mom cut off her own mother (who definitely had BPD) when I was young. But after a lot of work with therapists and the support of my husband, I realized I could make a decision that might look similar, but was made for very different reasons and carried out in a different way.

I'm a mother myself now, and having my mom in our family's lives was simply too painful and disruptive. My kids are getting old enough that I know my mom would start playing them against each other--and me--if she remained in our lives.

At the end of the day, both decisions are incredibly difficult: keeping your mother in your life means subjecting yourself and your wife--and one day, your child(ren)--to her harmful behavior. Ending contact with her would take work with a therapist to grieve and heal from not having the parent you deserve. I won't presume to know what's right for you, but encourage you to think about which choice will offer you the most long-term peace and well-being.

You can still be a "good kid" and end a relationship with a toxic parent. Because "good kids" as adults are those with the independence to make up their own minds, protect themselves, and protect those they love from hurt and harm. That's what a parent should want for their children, and it says a lot if that's not what your mother would want for you.

[zachira]

Unfortunately, you are describing what is quite common on this PSI Board. We have many members who at first feel terribly guilty about setting healthy boundaries with their mother with BPD. I think there are a few challenges here that make the guilt so difficult to deal with. When you were a child living in your mother's house, you could not stand up to your mother without some serious backlash from your mother.  Now you are an adult, and facing how it makes you feel and how it affects you when you set healthy boundaries with your mother. It is particularly challenging now, because your mother is fighting you tooth and nail to have things her way no matter what boundaries you set with her. In my experience, it takes a lot of work to not feel some pretty upsetting emotions when dealing with a mother with BPD. (My mother with BPD died last summer.) One is the frustation of having our feelings completely ignored by our mother and being treated like we are a piece of our mother's personal property. The other is that having a mother who does not give us the unconditional love and respect every child deserves no matter what age the child is, is a life long sorrow. As my mother grew older, I so wanted to be seen by her as a separate person of value in my own right, and also to be able to do things for her which any child would be glad to do, if the relationship with their mother was loving and kind. I also was upset by not only how my mother mistreated me but how she was so mean and disrespectful to so many other people. I can imagine how you feel about how she treats your wife. How do you get in touch with the sadness you feel about the relationship with your mother, whether you are in contact with her or not? I have found that the anger and guilt can just never seem to end, whereas feeling the sadness of having a mother with BPD, can help me to move on in the moments when I am most overwhelmed by what is going on with my disordered family members. (I have a brother with BPD and a sister with NPD.)
We are here to listen and support you. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[pursuingJoy]

 

You can still be a "good kid" and end a relationship with a toxic parent. Because "good kids" as adults are those with the independence to make up their own minds, protect themselves, and protect those they love from hurt and harm. That's what a parent should want for their children, and it says a lot if that's not what your mother would want for you.

 

[Sylfine]

You can still be a "good kid" and end a relationship with a toxic parent. Because "good kids" as adults are those with the independence to make up their own minds, protect themselves, and protect those they love from hurt and harm. That's what a parent should want for their children, and it says a lot if that's not what your mother would want for you.
 

Hope you don't mind but I printed this out for my "inspiration board".  Excellent advice!

[Merv_Griffin]

Awww, thank you both!