First Post - My situation and a bit of a vent

[FaceNZ]

My wife has self diagnosed BPD. She lost both parents at an early age and has very few family in the world.

I met her six years ago, we now have been married for over three years with two young boys and a third due December.

I’m pretty sure we are on the cusp of breakup.

If it wasn’t for the kids, the business and the house I’d be gone like a shot.

She is horribly depressed and I am so fed up with the relationship and incredible requirements it entails. I’m really resentful and worn down. I imagine I’m not the easiest person to be married to but man... I feel like I’m going insane.

I’m late to everything because she flips out that I’m abandoning her last minute.
Pissed if I don’t do enough to make up for abandoning her, or pissed off if I try to do more before I leave in the hopes of mollify her so she doesn’t flip out...

Requires me to be in constant communication, have an accurate time home and heaven forbid if the plan changes or worse I’m a minute late.

However, while she is out but inverse is never true...

She can make plans at the drop of a hat with zero detail about when she will be back but I need to give weeks or days notice with very clear and specific timeframes and how “I’m going to make it up to her for abandoning her” also need to give her my plan in the appropriate form.
Can’t simply say “I’m planning to work Monday, looking to leave around 9am” twice on Sunday. Because it will be a surprise Monday at 8am.

Pissed off if I prioritize anything over her

Pissed off if I choose to do the thing I want to do over housework or childcare but will happily do five hours of tv or knitting or craft and demand not to be interrupted so I must take care of the kids.

The hypocrisy of being upset if I do a “selfish thing.”

Most choices or plans I make are described stupid or “that’s a stupid way to do that” but then she is upset that she has to plan everything and everyone.

I am quite emotionally closed off due to my upbringing. That said, im pretty sure it’s a contributing factor as to why this relationship has lasted six years... I shut down and avoid conflict or simply agree with everything and promise to work harder.

Therapy has helped me understand myself and her a bit better and I’m better at validation that I ever have been.

I am trying to get more in touch with my emotions... However, it is difficult to do so when I get called

“Selfish; disgusting; scum; dickhead; loathsome; unfeeling; robotic; remote or less than human.

I’m not allowed to talk about this issues with anyone but my therapist as it would be an egregious breach of trust.

It’s also genius really in a cynical way. Her perception and memory is always correct apparently. If you don’t do anything wrong then ever, you can blame your husband for anything that goes wrong in life. Often the majority of why she is upset is my fault...
I don’t earn enough
I am at work too much
I want to be by myself
I only choose activities that take me away from her

Feel like I’ve been handed a hospital pass.
Here is a woman who from day one of our relationship told me she wanted kids and that if didnt then we should break it off. She wanted to replace the family she lost, wanted to be a stay at home mum and doesn’t want to work.

Yet doesn’t want to do any heavy lifting. She demands I earn money but be flexible and at her beck and call. If I push back then I’m valuing the task/event/person higher than her then I don’t love her.

If I point out the lack of logic in this she sparks up.

If I cite specifics then I’m being pedantic or looking to score points.

If I use generalizations then she cites point by point specifics and accuses me of lying and changing my narrative

This weekend, I watched as she lay on the couch all Saturday. I was up with the boys from 7:30am, did all the Nappies, cleaning for guests, made all three meals for everyone. Put thru washing and put the boys down. Hell, I even obliged her priorities, the cleaning of chair upholstery. The only time I can carve out for my priorities is if both boys are asleep or I’m literally out of the house or she has something to keep her occupied (choir, coffee)

If you have gotten through this wall of text, thanks.

I’d love some feedback and any advice.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Shalihotra]

I am NO expert...just struggling along like with a BPD wife like you. I just arrived on this site in the past week and learning a TON. No idea where you are on the continuum of figuring things out but I have navigated this road for 16 years.

EVERY TIME I think I have made a break-through in permanently "fixing" the relationship, my wife would throw me for another loop/surprise! I don't want to be overly optimistic at this point, but finding this site has at least given me hope I can fill in some missing gaps (like how the hell to respond or NOT respond to completely irrational behavior for one).

Other than the constant emotional turmoil, unpredictability etc., I doubt anyone's situation can be directly compared. I chuckle (and cringe for you) with the complaints of "working too much" and "not earning enough" (I have heard them A LOT...and not sure if you get all the doozies about "other men who earn more, but spend more time with their kids and family" etc.)
- you are definitely STUCK in what I went through in the EARLY stages (constant breakdowns when I would try to leave etc.). The ONLY time I stuck to my guns was when I HAD to leave for work or school etc. Everything else was sort of negotiable...but I would NOT tolerate interference with my schooling or career.
- I don't have any GREAT advice to break that cycle right off, as nothing will work consistently at first. You can't really predict how far she will escalate to screw up your day and plans (if you decide "this is it - I am just going to leave for whatever I had planned!" and then have to worry maybe she'll set all your clothes on fire while you're gone...just throwing that out there as an example, but realize it may not be applicable to your situation).

SELF-DIAGNOSED BPD is fascinating (and a bit of a red flag to me). Again, I am NO expert in mental health. I do wonder if your wife has something ELSE going on along with BPD. I am almost flabbergasted to hear she has diagnosed herself, since my wife seems COMPLETELY UNAWARE of her issues (though I realize your wife has possibly been through therapy, etc.).

The only things I can say are:
1.) Do you want to preserve your family or leave? (this is a question only YOU can answer).
- i. If you love her or the pain of loving her is worth it to preserve the family unit, then you HAVE TO stop expecting her to sound rational or expect she will suddenly HEAR your message.
- ii. I presume if the answer was you wanted to leave, you wouldn't be on this thread.

2.) DO NOT try to justify, argue, or defend your position. You will NEVER win. I hope you have read some of the things on this site, but it is fascinating to realize that so many people are struggling with the same battle.

3.) YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT her pain and what she is communicating. I can't really explain it.
- I have spent 16 years saying "screw this! I have to take the blame for everything?" and wondering WHY I am the target of such false attacks.
- NOW, this site is making me realize it is MY CHOICE to create that "win-win-win" scenario by JUST LISTENING, AGREEING, letting her be heard. (Win#1: for her, she gets to vent the pain, Win#2: I don't get so worked up and hurt because I am just listening and navigating but NOT arguing or taking it PERSONAL, Win#3 will hopefully become a stronger family unit).

If your goal is to stay, then that means YOU have to change the way you think, feel, and react. This in turn, will hopefully lead to gradual change in your wife to where she accepts true HELP (but if nothing else, decreases the constant firestorm of hell you have to endure).

I'm sure I will screw up with the lessons on this site, and yeah, it seems like a hell of a dance to do. But I also am at peace knowing that I have decided I am NOT leaving (and in a way, probably have a really LOYAL partner if I can just keep her from losing her s*** all the time...ha).

I understand your pain and frustration. For what it's worth, even going to counseling would be a NO-GO for me. My wife would be pissed (not comparing apples to apples - you have some things that are way worse than I deal with). I also have the UNHEALTHY advantage of ONLY being interested in work and spending time with my kids, and my wife (unhealthy since I have ZERO solid support).
- I have a few good friends.
- I rarely see my extended family (parents, sibling etc. which is fine). These things at least work in MY favor in having to make fewer excuses for when plans "BLOW UP" and she gets mad about me leaving.

Congrats on the THIRD child! I hope your kids give you hope and sustain you (and if you are so broken down that that isn't enough, READ this site + maybe try another therapist?). Seriously, nothing I am saying is meant to sound judgemental or pretentious. I am and have been just as broken as you (and my wife was set to "leave" me for another man in her words just last week - a RED LINE that is NEVER going to be ok with me, which is the first time I truly thought we were finished). Of course I knew she was making "s***" up to hurt me. I've just had no coping mechanism for dealing with it. The lonely nights of figuring out how to control the rage at her threatening to go to another man lead me to this site.

The HYPOCRISY you notice from your wife? Seriously, you have to stop thinking ANYTHING is tit for tat or that what she is saying is actually rational (or even to do with YOU). Instead, listen to the complaint for the UNDERLYING "issue" (it's NOT you, aside from yes - I am certain you have been emotionally beaten down even further by the constant berating + anxiety of the next blow up).

That feeling of INSANITY? Yup, you are going insane (the good news for me is that feeling gave me hope I was the normal one...ha!).

The main take aways:

1.) Do NOT ARGUE! Listen (and try to convey AGREEMENT - this part makes me nauseous because so many of the things she says are COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS;  but MY GOD, it works!).
- rather than argue about the fact "I was flirting with a co-worker", I listen, let her rant, give her a hug, and chuckle about how weird it is that women talk to married men...(I know, this ain't going to help the LONG-TERM problem but it sure as hell was amazing to realize that just agreeing and giving value to her opinions STOPPED THE WORST FIGHT we have had in 16 years and there have been CONSTANT fights). Even though I know I had done NOTHING wrong, she must have felt so relieved (in her "other self" I guess?) to be heard and VALIDATED.
***and seriously, because the crap you are being yelled about isn't reality, it's doubtful she will even remember or acknowledge you agreeing with it!*** (but YMMV on that one).

2.) Do not take it/her name-calling + criticisms PERSONAL. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. She is transferring her pain and terror on to you.
- (though you should explore those areas where you are MOST PRONE to being picked at and figure out why you are sensitive to those; that is an area I am still struggling with, but realizing it is something a BPD person is keenly aware of any a master of attacking).

3.) If you are willing to ACCEPT the burden of fixing your family (by changing your response to the INSANITY), I suspect it can be fixed (there is "THE OTHER HALF" of your wife that is probably intensely loving and wants you desperately...is there any truth to that).

4.) Do NOT COMPARE your burden to hers, EVER. That is where I have been going wrong for at least the last 10 years.
- I would work 18+ hour days (literally 100+ hour weeks); could come home and clean the house and get more done in 30 minutes she has done in an entire week...and STILL get told what a lazy piece of crap I am.
- what I also realized is how pissed off it made me she couldn't get the house clean, cook a meal...and "the laundry" was such a dramatic thing (so my comments of "you do know the laundry machine runs itself, right?" were just causing a constant underlying smoldering fire of insecurity and resentment even in the good times; I think they just made her feel even more inadequate).
- NOW, I am trying "here, let me do the laundry for you...sorry I left that stuff lying around", and the response is somewhere along the lines of "thank you - but I can do it...you've been working all week." (No, nothing is going to work 100% of the time...it's just trying to start with putting that small part of the forest fire out...and go from there).

Make up your mind to stay or go (I vote stay, since you are HERE and still TRYING). Once you have done that, you must commit to changing the way you think and react to those stinging, constant barrage of attacks. It's not your fault...and she truly does love you. (but if you have decided you have had enough - I "get it"...I just know I wasn't ready to leave, despite almost crying daily at some point or another). SHE WILL NOT CHANGE without you changing your approach. Trust me - I get that is a HUGE burden to bear. The leap in progress for me was realizing that NOT getting mad didn't mean I was accepting things as "my fault."

Good luck! This site is the first semblance of hope I have had since learning about the existence of BPD.