Do they EVER admit/acknowledge their acts?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does an uBPD ever admit or acknowledge the horrible act that they have taken against you?

My story is on the other board.

In short, uBPD GF is back, checking out to gauge my level of anger over what she did.  Which was, in short:

- last week Monday, after an argument, she just LEFT our residence (actually owned just by me) and (supposedly) stayed in a local hotel for 3 days, without saying a word during the entire time.

So now she has contacted me, poking around about us possibly working on things, primarily pointing out that it is supposedly not just her that needs to work on things but that it is ME.  And just ignoring the whole fact that SHE LEFT.

The leaving was and is just not ok with me.   And without providing more details at this moment, it was a pretty mid-level argument.

I should get an APOLOGY, which I'm not holding my breath on as I know that will never come, but at least an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that her behavior in leaving like that is certainly not something I desire.  Doubt I will get that, either, but I'm not just pretending that didn't happen (her leaving).  Or ever forgetting that it happened.

[StrugglingGuy]

Does an uBPD ever admit or acknowledge the horrible act that they have taken against you?

My story is on the other board.

In short, uBPD GF is back, checking out to gauge my level of anger over what she did.  Which was, in short:

- last week Monday, after an argument, she just LEFT our residence (actually owned just by me) and (supposedly) stayed in a local hotel for 3 days, without saying a word during the entire time.

So now she has contacted me, poking around about us possibly working on things, primarily pointing out that it is supposedly not just her that needs to work on things but that it is ME.  And just ignoring the whole fact that SHE LEFT.

The leaving was and is just not ok with me.   And without providing more details at this moment, it was a pretty mid-level argument.

I should get an APOLOGY, which I'm not holding my breath on as I know that will never come, but at least an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that her behavior in leaving like that is certainly not something I desire.  Doubt I will get that, either, but I'm not just pretending that didn't happen (her leaving).  Or ever forgetting that it happened.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for an apology, nor would I expect an acknowledgement. Very likely she will pretend nothing happened, or it's all in the past, or it's your issue if you cannot let go of it.

This is the essence of lots of BPD behaviors and because it's so humiliating for them to apologize, or acknowledge their faults, due to excessive levels of self-criticism and shame, expecting accountability is very unlikely.

I'm going to move your post to the Bettering Board, where strategies can be discussed for making these issues less tense.

[juju2]

Hi,

Agree that most likely there will be no apology or responsibility.

Underneath a lot of bpd behaviour is being a victim.  That is what it looks like.

I am looking at my part in all of our issues.  It's because I do not know if I will ever get anything regarding his responsibility, etc.
I mean, he has a serious mental illness.
If he did not have BPD, I guess things would be different around his actions and getting things worked out.

Guess this is the crux of how come many of their relationships end and are lost to them.

I have to be in control of my emotions, my thinking.   We nons have to be stable, patient, present, not harboring grudges.  It us a tall order.  If I can re-center myself,take excellent care of my well being, I want to do this and be these things.

[Goosey]

Never their fault.
Reality means nothing.

[JaneWrites]

I was apologized to once after a REALLY nasty episode followed by good behavior for about 6 days. Then it was like it never happened.

Another time, I was angrily told, "I'm not ready to apologize to you" after I had tried to unpack the previous several years to him, so that was close.

Many times, I am angrily told that I never apologize for anything, which is NOT true. To be honest though I don't do 1% of the things that warrant apologizing that he does.

That's why the advice to own your 50 percent of the relationship REALLY does not fly with me yet.

[zachira]

I am coming at this from a little bit different angle having several family members from both my immediate and extended families with BPD. In my experience, people with BPD have no capacity to ever admit/acknowledge bad behaviors. I think it has to do with splits in their personality. I am sure you have heard of people having multiple personalities in which one personality does not remember what has happened when in another personality. People with BPD often have problems with dissociation and some do indeed have multiple personalities which is actually a quite common psychological disorder know as Dissociative Identity Disorder. The question you are asking is one many members ask. I don't think any of us that have to deal with a person with BPD on a regular basis are ever able to fully understand what acting like bad actions never happened is about.

[StrugglingGuy]

Thank you to all for your responses.

She continues to deflect and blame and lash out; harshly.  Same pattern as always.  I do not share her analysis of me.

I just want peace.

Thank you all, again.

[Football2000]

In my opinion, someone with BPD can sometimes realize they are at fault, or that they have responsibility but it is rare. Partly, I think this has to do with the threat-handling system of the person. The person with BPD will feel so much threat or danger to themselves (partly, since their sense of self is often not very strong), that their actions make perfect sense in their minds.

For example, let's say you have a disagreement with a person with BPD and they feel threatened. They might start yelling or swearing at you instead of talking about it. But for them it's like if you chased after a normal person with a truck, trying to run them over. Perhaps that's an imperfect analogy, but their defense mechanisms are so hyped up, they feel justified in their responses.

If that is the type of situation you are in, it will be hard to get an acknowledgement.

[StrugglingGuy]

Stunningly, I received I received a qualified apology and acknowledgment.

That said, a humorous aside: for you golfers on the board you will appreciate this. Unbelievably, amongst this personal romantic chaos, today I shot the best round of my life: 35-37=72. Even par for 18 holes. I just played relaxed and at peace and I had unbelievable results today. Almost freaky. But I believe instructive: my takeaway - when at peace and relaxed, good things come. It was unbelievable.

[SunnydaysinCA]

Hi StrugglingGuy,
I thought I was the only person going through what you’re going through. My BPD husband left at least 5 times during our 5 year marriage. The first time it happened I was in shock. He literally packed his belongings. It was so quick and irrational. Unfortunately, not the last time. Each time he returned he never apologized or acknowledged that leaving was an issue. If I had an issue it was my problem not his. Also each time he left was during an argument also. Due to my lack of boundaries - he continued to leave and pack everything and leave when arguments happened.  It was no big deal to him. I blame myself for not making clear boundaries about him leaving. I suggest you make clear that it’s not okay NOW before the behavior continues. There should be consequences too when they break the boundaries. I should’ve changed the locks.

[StrugglingGuy]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.

Sorry to hear you have gone through this same insane and hurtful experience.

The key word in my post above was that it was (of course) a QUALIFIED apology. Intertwined with accusations toward me and ambiguous inferences of prior wrong-doings by me being the justification. Made up by her and not true.

So frustrating because I also find myself asking myself: is this an act by her just to string/jerk me around OR does she actually really think this way: as I long ago concluded, whichever it is really does not matter as both are NOT GOOD!

[Abazaba]

I was apologized to once after a REALLY nasty episode followed by good behavior for about 6 days. Then it was like it never happened.

Another time, I was angrily told, "I'm not ready to apologize to you" after I had tried to unpack the previous several years to him, so that was close.

Many times, I am angrily told that I never apologize for anything, which is NOT true. To be honest though I don't do 1% of the things that warrant apologizing that he does.

That's why the advice to own your 50 percent of the relationship REALLY does not fly with me yet.

1000000% agreed. The 50/50 thing does NOT make sense with BPD. Let me please just validate your experience. In truth, you probably are responsible for about 1% of the arguments. Still, they somehow expect you to be apologizing way more than you are...it’s almost like they want us to pretend we are to blame.

[once removed]

I do not share her analysis of me.

do you share the goal of reconciling?

ultimately, this style of conflict between the two of you isnt conducive to that. its called stonewalling, and Gottman describes it as part of the 4th stage of relationship breakdown.

she left, most likely, as a way to get her way, to prove a point, to get you to see things from her point of view. its a little bit like a child running away from home, in that they usually come back.

at that point, she was trying to slowly warm back up to you.

thats where you stonewalled her, shut her down.

and from there, it became a battle of the wills...whos wrong, whos right, whos going to apologize, who has more to apologize for...

this is classic conflict.

in order to resolve it, you have to get out of "who is right/wrong" thinking. it just drives the conflict.

[StrugglingGuy]

Ok. Well I guess I will need to research what you said.

I don’t happen to find it acceptable for her to leave for 4 nights and stay in a local hotel when I dared to speak up that I was not happy with what transpired. I’m not the type of person that will just be trampled on and not say my peace.  I’m just not submissive enough to just allow that, without dissent. Just being honest; likely does not make me conducive for this type of relationship. Time will tell.

We partially reconciled. But it is very frosty between us. Definitely different and not the same.

[once removed]

I don’t happen to find it acceptable

if this is true, then youre done with the relationship, right?

for her to leave for 4 nights and stay in a local hotel when I dared to speak up that I was not happy with what transpired. I’m not the type of person that will just be trampled on and not say my peace.  I’m just not submissive enough to just allow that, without dissent. Just being honest; likely does not make me conducive for this type of relationship.

in all seriousness...

it sounds like you are feeling rejected, unheard, and disrespected by what she did. i can understand why. its valid.

the picture is bigger, though.

the two of you are fighting fire with fire to make a point, in order to be heard. she felt disrespected (or whatever) so she left for four nights. you feel disrespected by that so you give her the cold shoulder and push her away. she lashes out, you shut down. she half ass apologizes, you reject it.

and around and around you both go. see what i mean?

if something is really and truly unacceptable (as some things should be), leave. teaching a lesson out of hurt is, ultimately, a form of bad boundaries, and it drives conflict in relationships.

what the two of you are really fighting over, at the end of the day, is who is right. you dont need to be submissive, or a door mat, or putting up with disrespect or abuse. you need to be strong, self aware, and benevolent.

it is a hard adjustment. i suspect the conflict style between the two of you is longstanding, and reinforced. i once read a member here put it this way: "do you want to be right or do you want to save your relationship?".

Well I guess I will need to research what you said.

this is a great start; its a quick (3 minute) video, and an easy read: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[StrugglingGuy]

I want to be happy and respected.