New here, relieved to no longer be alone

[TeskoSD]

I thought I was alone, and thank God I’m not!

My husband has BPD. We’ve been together for three years, and we’ve been working with a couples therapist for about six months.

So much has happened I don’t even know where to begin! My husband doesn’t make threats, he takes very serious actions without telling me. When I find out, he finds a way to turn the situation around so that I am the problem.

For instance, he took most of the money out of our joint account, opened his own account, and put the money there. It wasn’t through some grand sleuthing on my part that I found this out. When I asked about our money, he accused me of snooping! Then he realized that didn’t make much sense, so he told me he didn’t trust me with our money.

The thing is, I am responsible with our money. It’s my husband who has a problem controlling his impulses to spend. Or give away large sums of money. Without a single word!

And I know why he moved our money. He spent $20k in one month on his credit card, and I asked him about it. Like did something in the house break and he didn’t want to tell me? I was calm and was confused, just looking to know what happened.

Well, he told a lot of people (friends, family members, acquaintances) that I am controlling and I treat him badly. That I dictate what we talk about, that I have zero interest in intellectual pursuits and spend all of my time watching cartoons, playing video games and eating ice cream. That I spend all of the money on myself and I’m out of control. I’m not sure who my husband is describing, and I know it’s not me.


Some of these people had the guts to tell me what he had been saying. Some people cross the street when they see me coming, and others don’t return my calls.

It’s very hard for me to handle these attacks, and it’s hard for me to handle all of these broken relationships. I don’t understand why people believe him! Why am I labeled “bad” for asking a reasonable question?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome!

This is a community of people who have experience, strength, hope in being with difficult people.

So much is confusing, hard to grasp, confounding.

I have to take it one day at a time, being gentle with myself.

Share more about your lives, what works, and what doesn't work so well.

I start to see areas of hope, like rays of sunshine through dark clouds.

If you keep reading here, sharing here, there is strength to be shared and better days.

Sincerely

Judith

[pursuingJoy]

You're definitely not alone. You'll find support here!  

My husband has BPD. We’ve been together for three years, and we’ve been working with a couples therapist for about six months.

Do you feel that therapy sessions are productive?

Well, he told a lot of people (friends, family members, acquaintances) that I am controlling and I treat him badly. That I dictate what we talk about, that I have zero interest in intellectual pursuits and spend all of my time watching cartoons, playing video games and eating ice cream. That I spend all of the money on myself and I’m out of control. I’m not sure who my husband is describing, and I know it’s not me.

Why am I labeled “bad” for asking a reasonable question?

My eyebrows went up when I read how your husband was describing you, but it's fairly common among pwBPD to misrepresent what is happening. I know I've been on the receiving end of it.

Does your husband accept his diagnosis? Does he seem willing to work on understanding it?

[TeskoSD]

Hi!
The therapy feels like a mixed bag. We spent the first six months talking mostly about me. I grew up in an abusive household, and our counselor points to that often as the reason for my behavior. Both the therapist and my husband forget the years afterward I describe where I sought support and found healing in a rather unusual therapeutic technique called rapid trauma relief. I can talk about the abuse openly without reacting emotionally. I can think of the abuser without getting angry, and I no longer blame my mother for putting me in that situation of having to grow up with an abusive step father. It’s like there’s some formula where woman plus abuse equals anger, and all anger must lead back to the abuse I suffered. Except in my case that formula is hogwash.

Sorry that was a bit of a tangent.

I should mention that we started seeing the therapist when my husband decided to file for divorce. He hired his ex-wife’s divorce attorney and spoke with his ex-wife regularly about our “situation” ie my problems. By some grace our therapist helped us through that time. Since then there have been smaller incidents, such as my husband signing leases on new homes without telling me. Once he had to pay six months rent to break the lease he never intended to fulfill. Another time the realtor was so furious she demanded an explanation, and he told her he’s been so indecisive because he’s been trying to escape the clutches of his abusive wife. He will take pity from wherever he can find it.

A few weeks ago my husband admitted to habitually lying. Then told our therapist the reason he lies is because he’s afraid of my anger. Our therapist gently called bullPLEASE READ on that one, and reminded H that he lies to other people not just me, so clearly the lying cannot all be about my anger. When he didn’t like how that dialogue was going he announced that I’d said awful things about hating his adult children and never wanting to see them again. Here I could not keep my mouth shut. I’ve met one daughter three times during highly controlled circumstances (dinners with my H present the entire time. Not even a bathroom break for us to spend five minutes alone). These have always been cold, tense experiences where his daughter makes slighting remarks. I’ve never met his other daughter. We’ve tried to meet and always cancels at the very last minute. Without a way to talk with her directly I never am certain whether the meetings were ever real, and of so whether he didn’t just tell her I’m the one who keeps canceling.

I’ve come along in that I no longer get worked out about these things as often as I did before, and my emotions are less intense. It’s hard for me to accept these things I cannot change. It’s hard for me not to be horrified at the thought of what else he’s telling other people that’s either false or some bits of truth smothered with fabrications.

My husband has only acknowledged his diagnosis once. At that time he asked me to promise that I would look at for warning signs and get him help if needed. To this day he denies we ever had that conversation. He completely denies his diagnosis and will become very angry if I even come close to bringing it up.

I think that is about all I can share for now. Thanks for listening.

[JaneWrites]

Does the therapist know about the BPD? My husband and I were in therapy and while I credit it with bringing a level of calm back to the house and helped us work some things out better, it did not work for him, so it did not work for us. He accused me of finding a sympathetic therapist to me and dismissed her when she suggested he get his own private therapy. I am not aware that she knew it was BPD. I feel like she did not. So now I realize he had a point that she was not a good therapist for him - he just doesn't know the real reason why.

[pursuingJoy]

Marriage counseling was a mixed bag for us, too. I met with the therapist individually and felt somewhat confident that she really understood what was happening. In joint sessions, it felt like she completely forgot what we talked about and spent her time reassuring him. I think she was really concerned about him reacting and quitting, but it left me feeling invalidated and upside down. It helped to have a third party, though.

Have you both had individual sessions?

Weaponizing your past to divert from the real issue is a common tactic and it is hogwash. I've been told, very sweetly, "You couldn't possibly understand what a real family is, look at yours. We don't blame you though." I don't bring up my past anymore. If they do, I set a boundary by stating that I've come to terms with my past (keep it simple - if you start explaining your therapy and all you did to heal, they'll know they've hit a nerve - don't JADE) and I bring the conversation back to the original point.

Our emotional reactions give pwBPD room to play. When you start to understand BPD and their motivation, it takes the sting out of some of the nasty things they say, so it won't hurt as much (sounds like you're already here). Staying calm will also help you see more clearly and identify next steps.

You're doing great!

[TeskoSD]

Our marriage counselor doesn’t know about the diagnosis nor does my husband’s individual therapist. It has been years since he openly talked about it, not since his former therapist retired.

My husband has also accused me of finding a sympathetic therapist! The funny thing is, he’s the one who found this person. He has fine with our sessions at first since they were focused on me and my behaviors. But two things happened - I stopped getting really angry. And at some point the therapist made a comment about me being likable. That comment really bothered my husband. He stills brings it up and it happened last year. He recently decided I was scheming against him with our therapist, that he no longer trusted our therapist and he wanted to stop our sessions. Then during a session the next day he brings up none of this and behaves as if he never said those things out loud.

Right now I can tell things are about to get really bad. I’ve been sick for weeks and it’s affecting my hearing, balance, and my ability to hold down food. We have an insurance plan that is putting me through a lot to get treated, and that’s been dragging out my illness. My husband has been asking me several times each day what I did to bring on the symptoms, suggesting that if I simply stopped doing those things then I would be fine. The problem is I am only doing very basic things like standing, walking, eating and drinking! I brought this up at our counseling session today, that it wasn’t helping me for instance when I’m throwing up for my husband to stand in the bathroom asking me exactly what I did to cause the vomiting. That was a bad idea and I wish I didn’t bring it up for shortly after that call my husband initiated his own health crisis. He’s convinced he’s going into organ failure.

I got dizzy and threw up in the middle of him telling me about that, and I had to go lay down. All he said to me is that he had to figure out what to eat for dinner, and I’m lucky because I don’t have to worry about eating.

This doesn’t make any sense because it doesn’t make any sense. There’s no logic. I won’t be surprised if next he tells me he’s filing for divorce or if he rents out yet another apartment without telling me.

[Goosey]

Victim. Bpd partner always plays the victim. And I am absolutely sure that’s how they feel,  no reasoning with it.
  The sad part is they attack the partner with their victim hood even though the partner didn’t even know them 35 years ago.
   The slander is so astonishing also. I mean who does that crap.
And vicious slander.
  Ugh. Sorry. I’m over that hump but still when I read how others are in that situation it makes me a bit angry. I mean who do these bpd animals think they are? And I am supposed to be compassionate and patient. Ya I did that. That’s what they look for. The mark.

[pursuingJoy]

I’ve been sick for weeks and it’s affecting my hearing, balance, and my ability to hold down food.

I'm worried about you. Sometimes our bodies will communicate that we've reached our limit before our mind will. What kind of support (physical and emotional) do you have around you right now? Is your doctor aware of the dynamic at home? Can you do anything to balance out the negative energy you're getting from your H?

[TeskoSD]

Thanks, y’all! Your concern was a real wake-up call for me so thank you. I’m taking a break, getting away and going to a tranquil place by myself. Husband’s behavior is out of control, and I need to take care of myself. I can’t change my husband, can’t change how he behaves, and I can’t understand why because frankly there’s nothing for me to understand.

I’m hurting, need help, and I need to give myself that help.

[pursuingJoy]

I’m taking a break, getting away and going to a tranquil place by myself.

I’m hurting, need help, and I need to give myself that help.

Glad to hear this. How are you taking care of yourself? Most people bypass this step but it's necessary. I'm hoping you find better footing and a measure of peace.  Big hug. 

I can’t change my husband, can’t change how he behaves, and I can’t understand why because frankly there’s nothing for me to understand.

You are right that you can't change your husband. When you can, I encourage you to keep reading up on BPD and talking to people about it. It will affirm that his actions have little to do with you, and so much to do with his own fear. I was afraid at first that understanding would make me feel like it was my fault, that I had to be flexible, but it's almost the opposite - it gives me a measure of peace. I have more clarity about where my boundaries should be, and I am more capable of holding them unapologetically.

There's a season for everything. Hope you take a deep soul breath. You've got this.