Under attack after falling into another trap

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I fell into another trap today then received a barrage of vulgar insulting texts.
While home with my son today I received a phone call from the law firm that was representing us after the car accident last fall that took the life of our 3yos and left my uBPDw with permanent injuries. Basically they called to inform us that they couldn’t represent us anymore due to a conflict of interest. Simply put my wife’s injury was one suit and our sons wrongful death suit was another. She is considered at least partially at fault for the accident. And since they had intimate knowledge of both cases they couldn’t represent either. Not too complicated, but very inconvenient to tell us 10 months after the accident. The worst part of it all was they basically told me that in order to move forward with the wrongful death suit I would essentially have to sue my wife and the other driver and let a jury decide who was at fault.
I let my wife know I spoke to them and they were going to call her. She asked what was said and I told her they explained why they couldn’t represent us anymore because there was a conflict of interest between the two suits. I kept it simple so she could talk to the lawyer and ask all the questions that I may not have. I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news. 
She then responded with a barrage of texts calling me a liar, evil, scum, etc. Apparently she had known all of this for a week or two. When I told her about the call she “gave me a chance to tell the truth.” But since I didn’t break it all down and left out the details behind our sons suit she felt that I did her wrong. She even went as far as to say that they are doing this to her because she was trying to fire them and get her casework so she could move on.
Regardless of the ongoing trouble between us it felt terrible to be told  that my sons wrongful death suit would have to be against my wife. I wouldn’t want to consider suing her. That seems completely wrong. Then come to find out that she had known about this and didn’t share any of it, then to bait me into another trap was the icing on the cake.
She always sets traps like this and puts me in the villain role. I don’t think I did anything malicious or even remotely wrong. But anymore I really don’t know. Maybe it was a bad call to not lay it all out there right off the bat.
At the very least her calling me a liar is the pot calling the kettle black.

[RestlessWanderer]

I fell into another trap today then received a barrage of vulgar insulting texts.
While home with my son today I received a phone call from the law firm that was representing us after the car accident last fall that took the life of our 3yos and left my uBPDw with permanent injuries. Basically they called to inform us that they couldn’t represent us anymore due to a conflict of interest. Simply put my wife’s injury was one suit and our sons wrongful death suit was another. She is considered at least partially at fault for the accident. And since they had intimate knowledge of both cases they couldn’t represent either. Not too complicated, but very inconvenient to tell us 10 months after the accident. The worst part of it all was they basically told me that in order to move forward with the wrongful death suit I would essentially have to sue my wife and the other driver and let a jury decide who was at fault.
I let my wife know I spoke to them and they were going to call her. She asked what was said and I told her they explained why they couldn’t represent us anymore because there was a conflict of interest between the two suits. I kept it simple so she could talk to the lawyer and ask all the questions that I may not have. I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news. 
She then responded with a barrage of texts calling me a liar, evil, scum, etc. Apparently she had known all of this for a week or two. When I told her about the call she “gave me a chance to tell the truth.” But since I didn’t break it all down and left out the details behind our sons suit she felt that I did her wrong. She even went as far as to say that they are doing this to her because she was trying to fire them and get her casework so she could move on.
Regardless of the ongoing trouble between us it felt terrible to be told  that my sons wrongful death suit would have to be against my wife. I wouldn’t want to consider suing her. That seems completely wrong. Then come to find out that she had known about this and didn’t share any of it, then to bait me into another trap was the icing on the cake.
She always sets traps like this and puts me in the villain role. I don’t think I did anything malicious or even remotely wrong. But anymore I really don’t know. Maybe it was a bad call to not lay it all out there right off the bat.
At the very least her calling me a liar is the pot calling the kettle black.

[pursuingJoy]

Regardless of the ongoing trouble between us it felt terrible to be told  that my sons wrongful death suit would have to be against my wife. I wouldn’t want to consider suing her. That seems completely wrong.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. All of it seems completely wrong. And offering you the option of suing your wife?

Then come to find out that she had known about this and didn’t share any of it, then to bait me into another trap was the icing on the cake.

I don’t think I did anything malicious or even remotely wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong.    The route you took is completely understandable given the circumstances, and the fact that things sound tense between you. Did she offer a reason why she withheld the information from you?

[Cat Familiar]

Ugh! You’re definitely not dealing with someone who plays fair. She withholds info and then accuses you of the same, though your reasons for not full disclosure were quite different.

But you’re totally aware of that.

How can you protect yourself emotionally from these unfounded attacks?

[RestlessWanderer]

Thanks Joy  and Cat.
Trust me, I’ve been running things through my mind and questioning everything. While it’s easy to see that a trap was set, I can’t deny that I have changed my behavior and compromised my morals. I have been dishonest. I don’t know if it’s justifiable. I did it to avoid being yelled at, insulted, blamed, even hit. Sometimes I did it to protect her feelings. In some ways it is short sighted because the storms end up coming anyways. After all, you can’t stop the wind from blowing. But in other ways, being dishonest in an effort to avoid waking the dragon was also a decision to protect my sons from hearing so much fighting.
After years of therapy I’ve learned to better control my emotions and avoid being triggered and keep from being a participant. I don’t know that there’s really a way to alter my behavior enough to ever effectively keep her regulated, or at least keep her from disregulating. I know it’s not my responsibility.  I’ve read the tools, I’ve watched the videos, I’ve bought the books, even taken courses and put much of what I’ve learned into practice. The only thing it’s done is to let me know that I am trying and that it’s out of my control.
I’ve also learned to let myself feel the emotions that come with the life I’m living. It can be painful and hard. Thankfully I’ve always been resilient. I have friends and family that support me and help me to reaffirm my self worth and decision making. This forum is also a perfect place to find that reaffirmation. Reading about so many other people that have lived through the same situations, almost to the point of wondering if I had written some of them, has helped me maintain my sanity.
I still consider myself a happy person. Some days I do feel overwhelmed, but I never forget that many people are living through so much worse.
Until I started this relationship I had lived a relatively charmed life. I traveled, had fun jobs, and overall lived freely. I never made great money, but I was always happy.  I did feel lonely though. It’s easy to say now that the loneliness was better han this. But the loneliness sucked too. I’m never one to wish that I hadn’t had any hard times. I’ve always seen the value in pain and suffering. It makes the good so much better.
Now I’m just questioning why I’m still here. Trying to figure out what is keeping me from taking control and ending the marriage. In some ways things will certainly improve. But I’m also afraid that things could get much worse. It just occurred to me that I might be waiting for this to get bad enough to make it glaringly clear that the difficulties that could come after divorce are a better option than remaining in the marriage. She’s threatened divorce so much that I doubt that she will ever pull the trigger.
I got a lot off of my chest just now and gained some clarity. I hope it sticks around for a while.

Restless Wanderer

[pursuingJoy]

While it’s easy to see that a trap was set, I can’t deny that I have changed my behavior and compromised my morals. I have been dishonest. I don’t know if it’s justifiable. I did it to avoid being yelled at, insulted, blamed, even hit. Sometimes I did it to protect her feelings. In some ways it is short sighted because the storms end up coming anyways. After all, you can’t stop the wind from blowing. But in other ways, being dishonest in an effort to avoid waking the dragon was also a decision to protect my sons from hearing so much fighting.

I really admire your honesty and transparency.  Most of us try to justify our behavior. Your perspective sounds grounded in reality.

But the loneliness sucked too.

I found the loneliness in marriage much worse than the loneliness in singleness.

Now I’m just questioning why I’m still here. Trying to figure out what is keeping me from taking control and ending the marriage.

You're not ready to make a different decision. You're choosing marriage. I have no doubt that you'll have peace about a different decision if/when the time comes.

[RestlessWanderer]

Thanks for the understanding Joy.
I wish that I could say to her any of what I put in my last post on this thread without her hearing that I’m blaming her.
She tells me exactly how she feels about everything, and much of it is pinned on me, which I do acknowledge where I have played a part. But if I were to attempt to say anything in the same way, even if I am taking responsibility, it always is heard as me blaming her. I think what she wants is for me to take full responsibility for everything and somehow make an impossible change in who I am.
Why can’t she see that I am trying and I am making a lot of changes thanks to three years of therapy?

[pursuingJoy]

I think what she wants is for me to take full responsibility for everything and somehow make an impossible change in who I am.

That's probably exactly what she wants. Of course, her desire is not mature, realistic or sustainable. My H blamed me for everything because he was too afraid to face the truth. What is your wife afraid of?

Why can’t she see that I am trying and I am making a lot of changes thanks to three years of therapy?

I've felt this way at a number of points over the past year, but I also know there can be layers. Can you talk more about how you're feeling on this front? I'd like to understand.

[RestlessWanderer]

Joy, thanks for your reply.

What is your wife afraid of?

I'm not sure what she may be afraid of. She is a bit of a control freak, which she acknowledges. She hates me to do things without discussing them with her first. But she also hates me to ask her what to do. She will get upset and not accept any help. But then will complain that she has to do everything alone and doesn't get any help from me. She says I don't apologize or take responsibility, but is triggered when I say "I'm sorry" or try to explain my decisions. If she has fears of abandonment they are disguised well and layered into something that I have yet to identify. She wants to be strong and vocal like her father, but kind and loving like her mother. Unfortunately she is also judgmental and abusive like her father (thankfully nowhere near as bad as he was, not to minimize what she's done). She says that she is like her mom because she is still with me, though I'm "more cruel" than her father (I haven't started a single argument or fight, let alone hit her, in our 9 years together).

I've felt this way at a number of points over the past year, but I also know there can be layers. Can you talk more about how you're feeling on this front? I'd like to understand.

So, she will say that I am too stubborn and proud to admit anything or change. She will say that only reason she gets so angry is because of the things that I do. She will want me to plan activities, but has backed out of nearly everything that I have planned. She gets upset when I fall asleep on the couch and don't come to bed, but she locks the bedroom door practically every night and doesn't fall asleep until nearly dawn. So I end up falling asleep before she unlocks the door.
But regarding how I've changed and how I've grown through therapy: I have learned how to not participate in arguments and to not take everything personally. When she gets upset she will quickly start name calling and insulting me. She makes psychological diagnosis, calling me a sociopath or a pathological liar. I have learned to identify my biological changes when she is saying those things to me. By feeling those changes I can keep myself from letting my anger take over and keep myself calm. I am learning to not try to respond to her every statement. She won't hear me when she's disregulated.
My T has applauded my progress in how I deal with these situations and can see how much I've learned about BPD and the skills it takes to navigate those waters.
I have been diagnosed with ADD, and have been given medication that does a great job of keeping me focused on tasks rather than starting something then getting distracted and leaving it unfinished.
Though I am dealing with things well, I know that I am far from perfect and have much room for growth. I also understand that the BPD can put blinders on her and let her see what she wants to see, and/or ignore what she wants to ignore. I also understand that there is no diagnosis of BPD, and must form my changes around what I see and what I think is at play. Which is, of course, very flawed. But has proven to be very helpful since I started looking at things through that lens. I know that BPD may explain what is going on, but it does not excuse anything.
Joy, I don't know if I gave you what you were asking for. So, please let me know if you'd like me to take a different direction.

[Cat Familiar]

A consistent thread in your account is her constant abusiveness and name calling. You’ve been able to distance yourself from that as much as possible, but this is certainly unacceptable in a relationship and even worse for your son to observe.

Everyone has their pluses and minuses, but to have our difficulties constantly called out in an unkind way is damaging to all concerned.

You currently have a lot of issues to navigate and thus you remain in the marriage. Have you considered enacting some stronger boundaries about being spoken to in such cruel ways?

“I’m willing to communicate with you in a civil manner. Insults will cause me to retreat to my quarters. When you want to resume the conversation, I will be available.”