My borderline mum and grief

[Hooty]

I just found out that my uncle, my borderline mum’s brother, is in hospital in an induced coma and may die. I’ve been dreading the day she has to deal with a death in her family, because I know she won’t cope with it well, and even though I love her and want to help her through it, I don’t have the strength to cope with anymore of her intense emotions or carry her pain. I’m so exhausted, drained and at full capacity. If her brother passes, she will become more dependant on me and if I’m not there for her she will become more and more upset. I feel like I don’t even have time to process it for myself, because I’m so scared of how she will react. Does anyone have any advice for how to best manage a borderline parent who is going through grief after the death of a loved one? Thank you

[Sylfine]

Hi Hooty!  Not sure I have the best advice for you, but with my uBPD mother, the best thing is to get out of her way.  For her, it's the unexpected deaths that are worse.  If she knows it's coming, she gets very depressed (wishing she were dead too), but if it's a sudden death - watch out.  She'll flip and start hitting.  If you expect that she'll start clinging to you more, maybe you could try building time into your schedule specifically for her.  Could you handle her grief for maybe 30 minutes a week (or something)? 

[zachira]

You are trying to figure out what you are going to do when your mother's brother dies and are anticipating her dysregulating to a point that life will be pretty unbearable for you for quite awhile. You know your mother will be dumping her overwhelming feelings on you and you will be overwhelmed. Know that many of us with a mother with BPD struggle with having separate feelings from our mother, and have been conditioned since childhood to take on her feelings for her. Those of us with a mother with BPD who post here are all learning how to be separate people from our mothers. Setting healthy emotional boundaries with your mother is key. Can you limit the amount of time you spend with your mother while reminding yourself which feelings belong to your mother and which feelings are yours? What have you done in the past that has worked when you feel overwhelmed by how your mother treats you?