Hurting from the isolation from my BPD wife

[Cheekers]

My spouse is trying to destroy my self esteem with continuous lies or distorts past events and mistreats me. I can barely talk without my words being distorted. She has been telling me horrible insults, and that she wants to leave because I have caused all her problems but her problems have been all generated by her doing years ago. We are at the 13 1/2 year mark for relationship and 5 1/2 of those years married. My family originally tried to separate us but stopped over 10 years. Although my family asked for forgiveness, my spouse choses to hate them more recently and is stopping me from socializing with my family and friends. The isolation and perpetual arguing over past issues is killing me.

Background: My wife was born to an unstable young women that gave her up to her great uncle and aunt. Although her adoptive parents were loving, 2 of the 4 of her adoptive siblings took joy in hitting and abusing her since she was a very small child. Till her 33 years that she left her country of origin, she was repeatedly controlled, mentally and physically abused. Therefore, when we got together in 2007 she admitted to the abuse and explained she does have an anger problem. Even though she had a hard past with great poverty, she has managed to be stable and survive simply renting a room and focused on working for survival here in the states, away from her abusers.

Within the 2nd year I witnessed a first unstable episode when she lost her job. She actually punched the wall, and started to say that I was a horrible person, and shoved me. I blamed myself and did not understand what I had done. Later that same day she apologized saying it was all her fault and its part of her anger problem. Little did I know that once in a blue moon she would have another episode, then another. Most years up to 2012 she would have 2 to 3 episodes breaking something or just over the top self arguing over job loses, always apologizing. But then I had a car accident in 2012 on the way home from taking care of my disabled mom. When I lost my capacity to provide stability to her is when she started to turn on me, saying she does not want to be with a disabled person. I ended up with temporary paralysis with untreated damage to my neck, lower back, and right ankle. I have not regained complete function due to the fact that my legal counsel did not protect and defend me to get the medical treatments I needed. Basically my lawyer left me disabled with massive unpaid medical debt. So after 5 months of unsuccessful inhouse physical therapy I had to go home to a different person, a negative person, an unstable person that blamed everything on me.

Due to my serious injuries in 2012 I qualified for permanent disability by 2014 but was forced to use all my saving and 22 years of pension to survive as I waited for it. The stress of everything destabilized me wife and she kept having difficulties in her temporary jobs, constantly losing one job after another so the events were becoming more common. She started to tell me she doesn't want to take care of me and so I looked for an advocacy center that helped me get several hours of nurse aids to help with light chores, bathing and dressing me. She tried to work but could not sustain any job. Never could manage her income and put herself in debt numerous times and I had to bail her out. I then had to sell some of my belonging to try to keep our small cottage I had bought for us before the accident. She convinced me that she would pursue help, that we should get married so she could get her papers and would feel more secure in the US and with me. Since she was with me through the accident and knew my medical status, that there was no funds to help me improve my health and regain employment as a QA Manufacturing Manager, I believed her need to feel stable with me and I gave in. On March 28, 2015, in wheelchair we got married in a small but beautiful wedding. I thought she had accepted my disability and we would move forward together regardless.

Sadly, as she has seen that I have not improved much and she herself got seriously injured at her last job in November of 2016, her mental status has declined greatly. She had worked with 2 psychology professionals early on but the  last 2 therapists have not helped her in the slightest. She has started to have very aggressive episodes, damaging alot of items. And has neglected my care. She is listed with the state as my care taker when the aids are not with me. Unfortunately, she has forced me to move into the 2nd small bedroom and she locks herself in the master so as to not help me. And then uses my lack of hygiene as an excuse for finding me disgusting. I have always tried to do home activities such as dusting, cooking, etc., within my limits but she wants me to do things I am not capable of or will result in hurting myself more. She has convinced herself that I am not injured yet I must acknowledge her limitations of both her injured knees. Her workers compensation case is being stretched out for 4 years with 4 poorly done surgeries yet now blames me for her work injury, saying I have cursed her life.

I acknowledge that I thought I was strong enough to help her, to provide for her needs since I was the main wage earner. I  could not predict that my family would not accept her since they had accepted a few others in my past. No one could predict I would be rear ended at a red light and that would destabilize both our lives. Regardless, I have used all my income, pension, savings to keep a roof over our head. My family accepted her years ago and she partook of numerous Christmas', Thanksgivings and birthdays so to now say my family always hated her and still does is not true. This year she has been calling my 2 sisters and leaving nasty messages without any reason, insisting they should come and take care of me. She used to love to clean our home, food shop and do laundry together. Now she tells me she does not want to do anything, and I am making her a house maid like her 2 adoptive sisters did. I cannot help that my injuries are such that I lost mobility and strength. She now states I lied to her about my family and that I was not disabled when we got married which is a lie.

In fairness to my wife, all activities that require strength and bending and walking falls on her. I cannot get to our post box due to steps, or vacuum or mop, or scrub the stall shower. I still do what I can such as shopping for goods, preparing and cooking, emails, bills, resolve medical, house and car maintenance issues, dusting, fold and put away clothes, clean the kitchen. When the car insurance and my lawyer held up my surgical operation needed in my lower back, the rehabilitation center gave me occupational therapy to be able to do some activities from my wheelchair once I went home. Due to the many pain killers I had experienced short term memory loss and was considered dangerous if left at home alone. I was determined to improve and worked with my pain management doctor to find a lesser pain regime to help my memory come back, and thanks be to God much has come back. Also, I regained much feelings in my legs so I can take a safe step or 2 to transfer safely. Yet I live in extreme chronic pain. God is my strength. I wish my spouse could lean on God and allow herself to get help.

She is harming herself in front of me by not taking care of herself. My wife has diabetes II, ulcerative colitis, a life threatening vascular deformity in her brain, and BPD with Narcissistic tendencies. Her primary doctor has asked her to go and have a psychiatric evaluation but she refuses. It pains me to see her refuse to maintain her needed diabetic diet, since she won't eat all day and then binge. She will work herself up, brooding in silence and then bring on non-epileptic seizures due to the elevated blood pressure from the released rage. She refuses to take her seizure medication. She does NOT want to wash her hands for 20 seconds and doesn't want to wear a mask. Our doctors told us that we would die from Covid-19 due to our underlying medical conditions. At this point I am not sure I have what it takes to take care of her, especially knowing what is wrong and that she would have difficulties surviving alone. As a result I am having a hard time letting go and would like to save my marriage if possible.

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