it is surreal

[daisybird624]

hi there
after 10 years of marriage, and 3 separations, my husband & i are currently separated after his leaving abruptly after what seemed to me a trivial disagreement.  while he has been gone i took to the internet in search of what might actually be going on here.  my gut having told me all these years that there is something more, something far greater than he just upset with me all the time.  about two months ago, i discovered bpd in my reading/internet search and i thought oh my God this describes so much my experience with my husband.  fast forward to now, he just got diagnosed with bpd and adhd by his therapist.  and i finally feel some level of relief or full circle moment of at least getting validated what I have suspected for so long.  
but i also feel afraid and unprepared.  im not sure if i can support him and if so, how?  i am reading books and internet but i feel like i need to really understand this to know if i can live with this.  we have children between us and they have suffered greatly over the years with his constant leaving and getting upset.  he has never physically harmed them but it has been emotionally taxing.  i identify with being highly sensitive and an empath which tends to complicate matters when in a relationship with someone who can be such a roller coaster or one minute loves me, next minute hates me.  so i am really having to ask myself some hard questions, learn more about these conditions he has, and see how we can maybe create support and strategies to cope/live with this.  i am hoping to find support here because we do not have family or friends that would understand or be of any real support.  thanks for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

daisybird, my heart goes out to you. The people around me don't understand what I'm going through either. I'm glad you found us. You'll find support and safety here. 

The roller coaster. Ugh. And I am a sensitive person too. I've learned how to identify and strengthen my inner core so I'm not as shaken. Some here talk about taking on the role of emotional leader. I'm still learning, it's hard work, and I've made mistakes, but I'm learning how to improve my situation.

It sounds like this has happened before and you expect him to return. The fact that he is in therapy is positive, and he has a diagnosis.  How much reading have you done on BPD? What is standing out to you as the hardest part, or what part of this do you think it would help to focus on?

[daisybird624]

thank you.  i felt such a relief just having received even one response to my post because even though this is online, i still felt very exposed sharing.  to answer your question, the thing i find the hardest in all this is my kids.  i have a 22yo who doesnt live w us but still has felt the reprecutions of my husband's behaviors.  i have a 13yo son who basically wants nothing to do with him at this point and after his leaving this most recent time is referring to him by name and no longer by dad.  i should mention my husband is not their biological dad, he adopted them.  they were from a previous relationship, a physically abusive relationship and so about a decade ago I went to court and had their bio dad's parental rights revoked, my husband then adopted them.  we also have a 7yo girl between us.  she loves her dad and misses him but i can also see that this time of him leaving has affected her maybe the worst bc she seems to have lost a certain light in her.  lastly, my husband has a 14yo son from a previous marriage, of whom he has been estranged from for about 5 years; this son also wants nothing to do with him.  so this is the part that's the hardest.  i dont know what to do for them.  i dont know if helping my husband is like a betrayal to them or an excusal for all the pain he has caused them.  i dont know if i support my husband and/or take him back if i am only setting my kids and I up for more pain and more roller coaster rides, of which the kids so dont deserve not one more minute of.  it has been an exceptionally hard decade.  at this point i just wish for peace and joy in my home.  thank u so much for reading.  i really feel alone in all this.  i do have therapists i go to see (they are a married couple therapy team and i have been seeing them for 2yrs now) but they are out of town for 3wks and may be moving so i do feel like what little support i had may be disappearing soon which adds to my feeling of loneliness and like the ground beneath me is crumbling.

[pursuingJoy]

i have a 22yo who doesnt live w us but still has felt the reprecutions of my husband's behaviors.

Can you share more about how his behavior impacts the 22yo?

so this is the part that's the hardest.  i dont know what to do for them.  i dont know if helping my husband is like a betrayal to them or an excusal for all the pain he has caused them. 

What's the hardest part for them, do you think? That he leaves and comes back, or is it something that's happening when he's home?

I understand what it means to struggle between sustaining a marriage and protecting kids. My girls were the only reason I left my ex-H.  As they get older, I have a little more confidence that they can protect themselves, and that helps a little bit. My kids are now ready to process some of what they went through, and I make sure to support them with a listening ear, space, counseling, whatever I can do. I went through a lot as a kid but I found healing. I know they can too.

i really feel alone in all this. 

i do feel like what little support i had may be disappearing soon which adds to my feeling of loneliness and like the ground beneath me is crumbling.

Big hug. It's so hard to go through something like this alone. 

In case they move, can you get a reference from them for another therapist so you won't go without support for an extended period?

Remember, too, that you're the one that's driving this. You are strong enough to get through this. It's your heart, kindness and love that will effect change. Surround yourself with support and people who will cheer you on, but know that it's your strength that is pushing the needle.