Feeling Beyond Hopeless Right Now

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

I felt good this morning: I opened a separate PO box through UPS. I had therapy call and then...

now I don't feel so good.

My state is a 50/50 state. He's always said he would like to coparent and that the kids are better off with me. But what if? What if he backtracks that? He can barely take care of himself. I can't not be with my kids. I just can't.

My therapist is concerned that he will find out about my PO box or the checking account i hope to open or whatever and feel blindsided and that things will progress and go wrong fast.

I think I'm covering my bases well so far and not acting out of character (I'm normally withdrawn and quiet when dealing whatever he did).

But she did say maybe his T and her (my T) would both be on the video call together when I would ask about coparenting. Then I'd have a witness and with them both trained, maybe they could keep him from raging.

I just don't feel like I can ever get out of this marriage. I fear he will prefer to have the kids and I live here in this house. He will want  to live in the garage. Then I will be stuck.

The oldest cried yesterday. This house doesn't feel like home and he'd like to consider going back to school right now (hello, pandemic) but that it feels extra hard because he's away from his friends. H stopped doing anything to make this house feel like home. And it feels wrong to try, since i don't plan on being here.

I don't know if I even want to go back to our home state or the town we loved there. Driving by our old house every day...and then over to whatever dump of a house I can afford...I just don't know.

I feel like it's all so hopeless right now. I don't see how I can ever leave. I was going to just be boring and hope he breaks it off and doesn't make me a target (reading Splitting), but he is so enmeshed with me. He even used those very words a couple weeks ago!

I just don't know how I can ever do this. It seems stupid to think he'd just let me leave with the kids.

[livednlearned]

Hi TMD,

I recognize the thinking style.

It's hard to feel like there's hope when everything looks and seems (and is) so hard.

The thing is, you're not going to be the same person you are now once this moves forward. It won't be easy, but you may find yourself cruising a bit more because newfound strength is building.

I wonder if the changes you've made are getting a good once-over from your "play it safe" brain. Kind of like "This is new, therefore it could be dangerous/scary/terrible/awful/horrible."

You can slow walk this stuff, and you can plan carefully for a medium pace. You can inadvertently trip a trigger and have to move swiftly. All are possible.

So many unexpected things happen that don't fit into the plan. I spent a year planning to leave and it didn't protect me from the worst that could happen. It mostly meant that when things inadvertently sped up, I had already gone over that terrain in my mind and could act quickly.

How much time does he spend with the kids now?

[formflier]

 

Ditto on remembering the thinking that "i cannot abc..just cannot"

Most of the time (after time passed) something did happen, but it wan't abc...and no it wasn't necessarily pleasant, yet you could move through it.

I want to pause and focus on something your T said.  That she was worried about him finding out about a po box (and perhaps other "private" or "secret" things)

Can you expand on what you and the T have talked about?

Does the T think you should NOT do these things?  

or

That you should not keep those things "private"?  (I'm reluctant to use "secret" too many times)

It's important that we all have privacy for our affairs.  

Sometimes...sometimes, it's best to just come out and announce what you are going to do, let them rage and get over it, rather than trying to "hide" things, have them find out and rage.

Anyway, I definitely want to understand this concern the T raised better.

Last:  What can you do...RIGHT NOW...to get to feeling better.  A quick and energetic walk?  Meditation?

Best,

FF

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

So H brought up coparenting via text tonight! I was careful to play the role of bummed out, stressed, and emotionally numb.

He staryed to freak out a little but I backed it up and mentioned our therapists helping us figure out options to keep kids priority.

So far so good.

It wont be this easy though will it.

I had hoped for more time so I could prepare.  I don't even have a job yet.

At least put nugget in his head about staying in this house, renting as airbnb and selling at same time.

I definitely don't want to stay here. Not this town or this giant giant house. I cant just be stuck to him like that
 He was talking about living in the garage and dividing up the house into separate places and all that. So that's something.

He was worried we'd head back home but I think he feels better since I said that wasn't my plan.

Any tips for how to proceed? I'm playing emotionally numb remember.  I know the pdf from Dr Carver was for bf and gf kind of stuff but I thought it might still help him detach.

He did start talking about how not being able to talk to me about his work and therapy and his thoughts would be horrible.  I would have agreed a year ago. Heck, two months ago.

Funny he didn't say anything about missing hearing MY thoughts or feelings when we talk! Hahaha It is the H show. All husbamd all the time the last month.

Pray this other woman is his new target so he can detach from me less painfully but keep kids at the forefront.

Please, any tips or advice would be wonderful.  I don't want to blow this. We have wonderful kids and cats!

[ForeverDad]

He was talking about living in the garage and dividing up the house into separate places and all that.

Sharing a house during and after a divorce is generally impractical.  It is best to have separate residences.  (I would phrase is as imperative but I'm not familiar with your situation.)  Actually, getting and keeping some distance apart will likely avoid some conflict and pressures.  As I learned a few years ago, the disordered behaviors typically rise the closer you are.  It's as though the closeness makes it harder for the person to see past the baggage of the ended close relationship.