Need help with S/O but we both have childhood traumas informing our behavior

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
I'm looking for ways to improve outcomes in my 10 year relationship with my BP partner (Denise).  We've had some incidents over the past years that have left me feeling like I've absorbed a lot of abuse, acquiesced a ton, and neglected my own needs (which is partly my fault due to childhood traumas of my own).  Unfortunately, this culminated last year with me traveling a long distance to meet someone (Peg) that I clicked with previously on a business trip.  I felt completely at ease with Peg, but maybe got a little too close, too fond. I kept it from Denise, because I was feeling some confusing feelings for Peg that I was sorting out, and I knew Denise would not take this news well.  Now Denise and I are in a loop where I feel like I'm under a microscope and she feels unsafe with me having any friendly contact with other women.  Although I've completely broken contact with Peg for a year, my partner is still triggered by various things and then lots of hatred and anger come my way, "slut-shaming" of the other person, expletives, screaming, crying, and threats of ending our relationship.  Clearly, I was not open and honest about this outside "close" friendship and for that I'm accountable. That said, there are underlying issues for both of us that need to be resolved, caused by our early traumas. We also have different personality types.  I have always been an unorthodox person relationship-wise, a rule-breaker, and a risk taker, and I can see various angles on monogamy whereas she is a rule follower, and her definition is quite absolute, black and white, never compromised.  We have tried to talk about boundaries but it always ends in chaos and frustration.  As far as attachment theory, we are also a challenging combo of avoidant(me)-anxious(her) which is difficult to escape.  Any thoughts on best approach?  I'd like to normalize our commitment to each other and make sure Denise feels safe, but be adult about keeping this friendship and other connections without living in constant fear of inadvertently blowing things up, and without throwing anyone under the bus for being who they are.

[Martind3n12]

Hello,
I'm looking for ways to improve outcomes in my 10 year relationship with my BP partner (Denise).  We've had some incidents over the past years that have left me feeling like I've absorbed a lot of abuse, acquiesced a ton, and neglected my own needs (which is partly my fault due to childhood traumas of my own).  Unfortunately, this culminated last year with me traveling a long distance to meet someone (Peg) that I clicked with previously on a business trip.  I felt completely at ease with Peg, but maybe got a little too close, too fond. I kept it from Denise, because I was feeling some confusing feelings for Peg that I was sorting out, and I knew Denise would not take this news well.  Now Denise and I are in a loop where I feel like I'm under a microscope and she feels unsafe with me having any friendly contact with other women.  Although I've completely broken contact with Peg for a year, my partner is still triggered by various things and then lots of hatred and anger come my way, "slut-shaming" of the other person, expletives, screaming, crying, and threats of ending our relationship.  Clearly, I was not open and honest about this outside "close" friendship and for that I'm accountable. That said, there are underlying issues for both of us that need to be resolved, caused by our early traumas. We also have different personality types.  I have always been an unorthodox person relationship-wise, a rule-breaker, and a risk taker, and I can see various angles on monogamy whereas she is a rule follower, and her definition is quite absolute, black and white, never compromised.  We have tried to talk about boundaries but it always ends in chaos and frustration.  As far as attachment theory, we are also a challenging combo of avoidant(me)-anxious(her) which is difficult to escape.  Any thoughts on best approach?  I'd like to normalize our commitment to each other and make sure Denise feels safe, but be adult about keeping this friendship and other connections without living in constant fear of inadvertently blowing things up, and without throwing anyone under the bus for being who they are.

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