Adult daughter is a mess, I need support and reassurance

[Parents! Get help here!]

My adult daughter is 22 and lives a few hours away on her own.  She's been extremely difficult since she was little.  Very strong willed.  In high school she discovered if she told me she hates me, I would cry.  Big mistake on my part.  She had a good childhood.  She was loved and given a good life.  My relationship with my husband was not great, we were big time yellers.  My husband travelled a lot and I was a SAHM.  When I was exhausted I would yell at her.  For the past four years she has been horrible.  Will curse at me, tell me how useless I am, tells me I'm ugly and that my job is embarrassing to her (I work retail full time) will do this in front of people, even came in to my work and had a meltdown.  She creates her own drama - everything is a huge deal to her.  On top of everything she has migraines and pain issues.  I've tried being supportive, tried using language that reflects what she is saying.  I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells on BPD, pretty sure that is what she has.  She sees a psych and a counselor for anxiety (it runs in our family, I have anxiety and depression), but I have no idea what she tells them.  I believe she tells them all of her problems are because of me.  She never takes responsibility for her words or actions.

Yesterday she asked me to cancel her dental appointment.  I didn't have time, so I asked my now ex-husband to do it.  This sent her into a spiral of rage.  She said she never asked me to cancel (even though I have the texts to prove it) and was enraged I got the ex to do it.  Unfortunately she had to come into town for the appointment so now she is at my house.  She was fine at first acting normal, but this morning she is all rage.  Tells me she absolutely hates me.  Says she is going to go back home and kill herself.  Last night I told her that this is a mess she created and that she will have to reschedule appointment.  It sunk in for about 5 minutes, but this morning we are back to her old ways of blaming me for everything, etc.

I am at my wits end.  Been trying to build up my own self-esteem and set boundaries, but I wimp out.  Secretly I struggle with my own desire to end this pain.  I ended my marriage because of no support from husband.  I am wrought with guilt and uncertainty about how to handle it all.  My gut tells me I need to just cut her out of my life, but the soft mother side of me feels strong empathy for her. On top of it, it's COVID and I don't have a large network of friends.  I am alone most of my non-work hours and I ruminate and blame myself for everything.  I've even developed atrial tachycardia from all of the stress.  I have a great therapist and psychiatrist, but when I am alone by myself the self doubt and low self esteem take over my thinking side of my brain.  I guess I need to know I"m not alone and whatever poor choices she makes I am not the cause, I cannot control it, and I can't cure it.

[BlueGill]

My adult daughter is 22 and lives a few hours away on her own.  She's been extremely difficult since she was little.  Very strong willed.  In high school she discovered if she told me she hates me, I would cry.  Big mistake on my part.  She had a good childhood.  She was loved and given a good life.  My relationship with my husband was not great, we were big time yellers.  My husband travelled a lot and I was a SAHM.  When I was exhausted I would yell at her.  For the past four years she has been horrible.  Will curse at me, tell me how useless I am, tells me I'm ugly and that my job is embarrassing to her (I work retail full time) will do this in front of people, even came in to my work and had a meltdown.  She creates her own drama - everything is a huge deal to her.  On top of everything she has migraines and pain issues.  I've tried being supportive, tried using language that reflects what she is saying.  I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells on BPD, pretty sure that is what she has.  She sees a psych and a counselor for anxiety (it runs in our family, I have anxiety and depression), but I have no idea what she tells them.  I believe she tells them all of her problems are because of me.  She never takes responsibility for her words or actions.

Yesterday she asked me to cancel her dental appointment.  I didn't have time, so I asked my now ex-husband to do it.  This sent her into a spiral of rage.  She said she never asked me to cancel (even though I have the texts to prove it) and was enraged I got the ex to do it.  Unfortunately she had to come into town for the appointment so now she is at my house.  She was fine at first acting normal, but this morning she is all rage.  Tells me she absolutely hates me.  Says she is going to go back home and kill herself.  Last night I told her that this is a mess she created and that she will have to reschedule appointment.  It sunk in for about 5 minutes, but this morning we are back to her old ways of blaming me for everything, etc.

I am at my wits end.  Been trying to build up my own self-esteem and set boundaries, but I wimp out.  Secretly I struggle with my own desire to end this pain.  I ended my marriage because of no support from husband.  I am wrought with guilt and uncertainty about how to handle it all.  My gut tells me I need to just cut her out of my life, but the soft mother side of me feels strong empathy for her. On top of it, it's COVID and I don't have a large network of friends.  I am alone most of my non-work hours and I ruminate and blame myself for everything.  I've even developed atrial tachycardia from all of the stress.  I have a great therapist and psychiatrist, but when I am alone by myself the self doubt and low self esteem take over my thinking side of my brain.  I guess I need to know I"m not alone and whatever poor choices she makes I am not the cause, I cannot control it, and I can't cure it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[funnymom]

I can completely empathize with you. My daughter is 21 - and had been living a few hours away (within 20 mins of my ex-husband) in 2018. She hasn't stayed at our home for more than a few days since she left in Jan of 2018.

I wish there was an easy solution to all of this.

[Huat]

Hello and welcome, BlueGill

I'm an active participant in this forum.  Every now and then a post will grab me more than others and I can't wait to put my fingers on the keyboard and respond.  That is the case with yours.  In my opinion...you really need to be here.

I relate strongly to some of your story.  I too remember "struggling with the desire to end the pain" that was caused by my daughter's treatment/rejection of me.  I would cry at the drop-of-a-hat during the days...would wake in the middle of the night to cry.  I, like you, had given her total control of MY happiness...MY quality of life.  When I think back, how could I fault her if it was me who had handed over the reins.

I wish I could add drama to my story here by telling you that there was an "Aha!" moment...a scene where my comfy stretchies fell off and exposed was a strong woman, cape and all.  Nope...didn't happen that way.  I worked (am working!) hard to change from the old me.

My husband and I had pretty well opened our bank account to her...to her adult daughters (who were the loves-of-our-lives in earlier years).  "No" is a word that has never gone over well with our daughter.  Came the day when she once again asked for money and that was shortly after we had handed her a very, very big amount.  I held my breath, then said..."No"...and a firestorm followed.  That was 4 years ago.  We have been estranged this whole time.  Has it been easy?  Needless to say...not.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind now that I might have been wrong...but the convincing has been a journey.  I'm okay!  Sadly, she's not.

Good to read that you have a great therapist and psychiatrist.  You are being pro-active in healing yourself.  If you continue on here, this can be an added layer of "medication."

I know your pain, BlueGill, and I will be one of the members here who will keep throwing out a life-line.  The work is yours, though.  Hope you keep sharing.  Your story is not totally unique...so much similar to what others are living through with the troubled loved ones who share their lives.

Here is to much better days for you.

Huat

[Swimmy55]

Hi Bluegill,
 Click onto my name and anyone else's here and you will see our previous posts.  You are not alone. I add to Huat's welcome to you. Very long story short, my son and I had a brief reconciliation, only for him to become enraged at me  this past May, when I refused to send him $1 through Cash App.    ( He is heavily into drugs in addition to having BPD, etc).  Never mind that he cost me thousands of dollars in damages to my home last year.  I could go on , but you get the gist.   I go to therapy myself, in addition to being on this forum for my own network and self care as I ruminate and self blame a lot over him.  Huat is right, though, the work is ours to do.  Our BPD adult kids need boundaries and it starts with us, no matter how it hurts.   Have to weigh short term pain avoidance vs long term gains .  Sure we can give in , yet again.  But towards what  end though?  The very tough reality is that we are not always going to be around.  Then what will they  do?  They may as well get used to the idea now. And we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are as important as our BPD adult kids. I am glad you wrote in to us.Welcome!