Should I be as scared as I am

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

He doesn't remember pushing me up against the wall in yht kitchen a couple days ago or telling me he'd smack my hands if I touched him again.

He went downstairs to sleep.

How scared should I be right now

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LoveHimCantLeave]

I have learned to always exit the premises when uBPD fiance(ish) starts dysregulating. It is never pretty but at least he ends up breaking plates or picture frames...and not my bones. And he slowly started to figure out that I am a no-go zone. Honestly, he slips sometimes and while it is entirely unacceptable, I have yet to truly fear him. I do not know why, all I see is a child throwing a tantrum, even though the body is that of a man. I try to remind myself I'm the balanced one, and I can't take it personally but what happens to me is ultimately in my control.

Domestic Violence is no joke and you ultimately do need to put yourself first, definitely do not just stand there and take it. But with BPD's, the writing is often on the wall when they start to malfunction (as opposed to narcissists, etc.) and the minute we see that switch --especially if it's a male BPD-- rather than try to make sure they are fine...RUN, do not walk, all the way outta there.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

He greeted me with coffee this morning. 

He said he felt manipulated.

He said he sort of remembers the smacking comment and that he remembers thinking it was too harsh because it was supposed to be a joke.

He told me that he is feeling lost because he told me what he needs and I am telling him no (to treat other women as objects and meet up for rough, uncaring,  out of control sex once a year).

Then the 15 year old walked in and wouldn't go away so we had to stop talking.

Damnit!

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi there. I am sorry this happened to you. I think you are right to be concerned about what happened. A partner using physical force against us can be very, very scary 

If you are trying to determine how much cause for concern you have, take a look at this article and see how many of these behaviors you recognize in your relationship:

Domestic Violence for Women

The fact that he equates sex with violence and wants to treat you like an object is a huge red flag.

There is also an assessment you can take to determine the amount of risk in your relationship. It's called the MOSAIC assessment.

MOSAIC

Does he often do things like slapping your hand "as a joke"?

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

OMG. I never considered myself in an abusive relationship before.

He hasn't hit my hands as a joke. Generally, he doesn't do that. His last rages were years ago (tailed end of 2015). He's been triggered by something big (maybe the move, new better job, amazing house, reunited with me and the kids) and just in a spiral.

But.

He's done some things from these categories on the list.

Will this always be a thing, even with help?

What does it mean that I'm in this relationship? What's wrong with me?

Oh, wait. Isolation. Isolation. Isolation.

He crashed my car a day after we bought a new one, back when we were dating. It would be many, many years (try EIGHT) before we'd have a second car.

OMG.

Is this just hopeless? Am I hanging on here for something that isn't actually there?