Do you share what you know?

[squirrel20]

We have a 27yo daughter who is BPD.

She is a nightmare in relationships. Previously posted that her huge, expensive Catholic wedding lasted two seconds and she cheated and quickly divorced husband to be with a completely unstable guy she met at her new job. Well...that already ended. She continues to date guys at the place she works.

She’s in a rush to get married or worse, have a baby.

My question is this: ex son in law was a DOLL. WE LOVED HIM. We never warned him about what we suspected of her behavior,  because we didn’t have the right information at the time. He got destroyed. After she stomped him and disowned us for a year, dad and I looked at her behavior more intensely and sought our own help through a specialist to help us handle her when she comes around. Therapist was only “ok”. Basically advised that BPDs will do what they want and we just set our boundaries and deal.

Going forward, do we allow the next poor guy to fall victim to her or do we find a way to let him know what he is up against. She contacted last week that she’s “official” with someone again.

I know it may seem awful, but honestly, no one deserves to go through what our former SIL did. Consequently his family informed us of major issues she caused-similar to things she caused in our household.

At what point do you stop worrying about the BPD and protect others?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

This is one aspect of being close to someone with BPD that doesn't often get talked about. So thanks for bringing it up. It made me reflect on my experience. Whenever I have tried to intervene in some way it has always had a consequence that I did not imagine. People will go from one to another and in my experience it has just ended up that I am the baddie. It is so hard to watch when you are pretty sure you know what will happen. These days I just walk beside BPD dd and those she has relationships with. But I stay really neutral. When things go off the rails, as they always do, I am careful not to get drawn into any discussion - it just makes the situation worse and yes - I will be the one to blame.

It would be interesting to hear others experience on this.

[Huat]

Hello Squirrel20

I was reading through your post and when I got to the..."do we allow the next poor guy to fall victim to her or do we find a way to let him know what he is up against?"...I immediately gave a verbal answer.

Our daughter, too, has gone through a number of relationships.  Our grandchildren were the products of two of them.  Once "the glow" dimmed on her partners, she set out to win-the-war and it was indeed sad to watch...especially the custody battles.  Those unfortunate guys were no match for her.  Thankfully two of them have moved on...the last one not having an easy time of it.   (Oh well!)

We are currently in yet another period of being estranged from our daughter and even though they went through hell, her 2 ex'es periodically keep in touch with us.  Says something, huh?

I share all that because it is something similar to what has gone on with you, your daughter.  Your post has made me think back to those fateful days when each of those men actually came to us to ask for her hand in marriage.  Can you imagine that...in this day and age?  Both those times we were in a good space with our daughter.  Oh, my husband and I knew what was probably ahead for those unsuspecting men who were so in love with her.  (Let me add here that...When she is good she is very, very good...but when she is bad... !) 

With that said, with each we thought...perhaps...perhaps...this might just be the guy who could be her forever-man...work his magic on reining her in...help in changing her habits.  (Once again...Oh well!)

So, Squirrel20, I try hard to not give advice when I post...but in this case...strongly urge you to continue to be a silent bystander.  Save yourself from more conflict. Often I have to pull the reins in on myself when I think I can be a fixer...bring those thoughts to an end by saying..."Not my problem!"  Makes my life so much easier.

Huat

[srivili]

I would suggest keeping out of it. Each one learns through their journey. Also, when they are in love, they may not believe what you are communicating. They may also communicate what you said back to your family member complicating things further. They are adults and let them figure out their lives.

[squirrel20]

Wow! I see that we are not alone...

I am glad I brought this up because I see other parents have had the same experience as us.

I can clearly relate to each person in the responses. It’s just so sad and I almost feel like we are withholding information.  But, of course, I also know what happens. However, our daughter usually beats us to anything because she will bad mouth us before we even meet them, so of course we are awful from the start.

We will see how this unfolds...

Thanks!