Needing Guidance

[Nothing81]

Hello,

I guess I’ll start with some background information. My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have two children. Ever since our first child was born my wife has struggled with depression, anxiety, and anger.  She has recently been diagnosed with BPD last year. She’s been admitted 3 times for suicidal attempts and we’ve gone through a handful of psychiatrists and medications too. Our psychiatrist now is good she's the one that diagnosed my wife with BPD and has her on some medications that seem to be working, but about every 3 months or so she gets really depressed and angry asking me what’s the point of being around and she gets into a very dark place that I find can last for days or even up to a week. I find myself most times unable to find the words to comfort her and when I do try to console her it is taken as an offense. I don’t take it too personally, but it does wear on me and so that’s why I‘m here looking for guidance so that I can help my wife any way possible. Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear N-

I am so sorry for the intense and troubling situation you, your W and your family find yourselves in with your W’s BPD, and her  suicidal and other damaging behaviors.

Aside from the medications and hospitalizations, has your W engaged in any intense therapy for the disorder, like DBT?

What level of commitment does your W hold to working toward a healthier outlook?  Toward feeling better about herself?

As for you, there ARE things (communication tools) you can learn to assist with speaking with your dear W.  It is often NOT  exactly what we’re saying to our partners, but how we say it.  The tools help us change the way we’re trying to give our understanding and compassion.

I’d begin with looking under the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS SECTION. 
Scroll down to Validation... and focus on Learning NOT to INvalidate.

Next scroll down to “JADE” - And Learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

Beginning with these Tools can be invaluable when in relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD).  The skills take some time, but DO become natural over time, so please hold patience for yourself.  And really, these tools are very effective in ALL relationships.

The more you understand about BPD and what drives your W’s feelings, the better able you’ll be to help her.  I’m hoping she’ll let you in.

How are are YOU doing, N?  Please use care to remember yourself and engage in things that help you recall who you are, who you were, and what you enjoy.  And bring your children along for some joy.

This is a safe space for you.  Please continue posting.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes