Feeling helpless

[Catmeow]

Hi it's about time I reach out to talk to people about my issues. I have been seeing this girl (we are both 23) for over a year and a half now so we have gone through a few stages of a bpd relationship. She was newly diagnosed when we met and I/we didn't really know what BPD meant at the time so we kept dating. Things were a bit intense and she asked for our engagement on our 1 year anniversary which I said yes to.

We are having alot of problems lately among the covid situation, several bad job situations for her and also having to move away from her hometown for my work so she feels even more isolated and lonely. I keep wanting to believe that things will get better if those situations get better first, but it is hard to tell if that will be the case and I'm not sure if it's worth staying for. We have similar personalities but very different hobbies and perspectives, which is a part of the reason I want to leave. It's my house that we live in and if I ask her to leave she has no where to go as her family at home is even worse. I am scared that she will hurt herself (which she does), and that it might not be the best way to handle things. I think we could get through this and enjoy the rest of our lives together but I don't want to make any more personal sacrifices for which I have made so many.

I'm sorry that this all sounds jumbled, I didn't know where to start but I certainly am sure that I don't want things to stay the way they are. My boundries are being overstepped but then I can't enforce them because her splits will just keep going until I finally give in or she hurts herself which I wish there was a way to stop but calling emergency would ruin her life and she would never forgive me for it nor do I think it would help anyway
...

Can anyone see a win-win situation here? I just want us both to be happy but alot of it is out of our control :/

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CountTo108]

Wow; you've got a lot going on. And yeah--pandemic upheavals are not a good thing for any of us.

One thing jumps out to me, though, so forgive me if I don't attempt a comprehensive response: your comment "...or she hurts herself which I wish there was a way to stop but calling emergency would ruin her life and she would never forgive me for it nor do I think it would help anyway."

I'm still pretty new here. I don't know whether "hurt herself" means suicide. I can say that if your girlfriend is seriously, actively suicidal, you must act. There is no life to ruin if there is no life. There is a "search BPDFamily site" toward the top of the page. You'll find resources on "suicide" there if you search for that term, including this: <https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm>.

I've been there. My partner attempted suicide (pills, knives). It was a horrible feeling to be calling 911 (U.S.) while she was actively slinging those objects around, but you must preserve her life. Don't worry about what neighbors, family, employers, or even she may think. Preserve life.

One other thought: find therapy for yourself. Not so much because you're broken, but because you're in uncharted waters and might benefit from a fresh set of eyes with professional experience. What are your responsibilities to her, to yourself; what are your boundaries? If you're employed (U.S.), you likely have an "employee assistance program" which can refer you--or your health insurance may be able to make a referral. You're clearly a loving, compassionate, thoughtful partner; the best of relationships take a lot of work. You need a toolkit, a roadmap, because what you're doing isn't working.

[CountTo108]

One change in language I would like to make: "Act to preserve life." You and I don't have the power to keep our loved ones from successful suicide. We do have the power to take appropriate actions, to try, to choose.