Brother won't acknowledge his BPD impacts on others

[UrsusArctos]

Hi, this is my first post so apologies if its a bit rambling or badly phrased.

My brother was diagnosed with BPD following multiple suicide attempts 2 years ago, following years of bad mental health, self harm, suicide attempts and drug addiction. Following that he now lives with me, mostly out of financial necessity, he does not hide his resentment at that, but for the last year he spends most of his time with his girlfriend who lives on the same street.

Yesterday my partner had a situation where a close friend attempted suicide by hanging, the same as my brother had done. She was distraught and called me. I talked her through it, in part, by explaining what had happened with my brother. It turns out my brother was eavesdropping and he has now had a major explosion about how I have no right to discuss his mental health with anyone.

He has refused to meet my partner except briefly when she arrived early as he was leaving, as she has a daughter and he doesn't want to deal with children. He doesn't really recognise the relationship and refers to her as "some girl" or "some f***ing girl", partly because we've only been dating since the beginning of the summer, although we knew each other before then.

He has a tendency to make his mental health my problem when he wants help or support - it was my door he came to when he made his most recent suicide attempt two years ago and I was the one who had to take him to hospital. But whenever he doesn't want help from me, he gets angry if I suggest his mental health has any impact on me at all, or on our parents or our other brother. So he thinks me talking about it with my girlfriend, even to support her through a similar situation, is "bragging about being a hero".

He is also currently financially dependent on me as he has lost his job due to Covid and has done nothing to hide his resentment about that. His girlfriend is also pushing him to begin a study course which I think he does want to do but it's scary big change and happening quickly. I've been walking on eggshells for two months now waiting for this explosion. He has also been being manipulative and passive-aggressive. For example when I suggested I was thinking about getting a dog he cut down two large thorn trees in our garden and left them chopped down in pieces and strewn over the garden so it wouldn't be safe for a dog and then said I had to sort out disposing of them, basically to sabotage that.

I've tried to suggest setting boundaries and talking about that but he won't engage with it at all, he just gets angry and storms out, because he won't accept that his illness has any impact on me at all. I think he cannot cope with the idea of accepting the hurt he has caused to me or other members of our family so he just refuses to accept its a possibility at all.

Basically I just don't know what to do for the best, I can't throw him out but it feels like I am living with someone abusive, which I have past experience of and its causing me a lot of mental health problems.

As he won't engage at all with boundary setting or his behaviour I struggle to think what to do to stop it. I don't want to just appease it but I also need to work out how to deal with my reactions.

I feel really stuck.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi UrsusArctos:

In order for boundaries to work, you have to have control over the consequences.  Looks like there are no consequences to work with, unless you use some tough love and be willing to evict him.

Think of yourself as being in a high-powered negotiation.  Perhaps, as a leader of a Country (negotiating with another leader) or the Leader of a huge Corporation (perhaps negotiating with a labor union).  Accomplished negotiators generally start out with a hard-core position that is in their favor, although they have a target of something less that they will settle for.

You have to be willing to kick your brother out of your house.  I don't know where you live, but some places may require a legal eviction notice. Perhaps, find a few referrals for him: homeless shelter, community assistance, etc.

Before you advise your brother of kicking him out, have your list of boundaries/house rules that he has to abide by. 
1. Rules that must be complied with.
2. Rules that are important to you, but you would be okay with working on them. 
3. Rules that you would like to have in place, but could live without.

Perhaps you won't really follow through with kicking him out, but he has to believe you will. Your problem has been that he has known that you won't kick him out, so you have to be firm. Your parents and brother need to believe you are serious, and that if he doesn't comply with the mandatory boundaries and agree to work on others, he is out.

You will have to make a plan:
1.  One approach would be to get your discussion plan in place and arrange for the meeting, where you make an ultimatum and give him a date. So, if he refuses to even discuss your boundaries/rules, then he needs to leave by the date.

2. I would expect that initially you will get an angry reaction and a big "no" to any of your demands.  After a few days, he might be willing to talk, and then a real negotiation can begin.

3. Maybe you and/or your parents and brother might chip in and pay for a hotel room for him for a few days. I'm suspecting he will be hard to deal with and won't take it well.  A place to go, away from your home, might be the safest situation.  Anticipate that he will respond with a rage, so be prepared to handle that.  If it would diffuse the initial response, maybe have your parents there and/or brother with you.

Once you announce your position to your brother, be prepared to:
1.  Call the police, should he get violent or makes threats of harm to you or others.
2.  Call necessary authorities should he make suicidal threats.

Does your brother take any meds? Is he currently in therapy?  What has been his history of therapy & meds?  Anything, other than short-term measures?

You don't have to be your brother's caretaker.  You can't be held responsible for whether he commits suicide or not.  By the way he referred to your girlfriend, I suspect he has gotten away with a lot, for a very long time.

It might be helpful for you to read the info. at the link below on FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt):
FOG

FOG DISCUSSION THREAD