New to bpd, not sure if partner has bpd

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am not certain if my partner has bpd, as he has never been formally diagnosed.  He does share a lot of traits with this diagnosis.  I have also looked into obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and he aligns with that diagnosis as well.  Either way, he has mental health issues.  He was formally diagnosed as a child with ADD.  And later as an adult he has been diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression. 

I am currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and Splitting and can relate to a lot of the stories told in both of these books.    My husband and I have been married for 20 years and it has been a whirlwind of highs and lows.  We have three children, two of which have special needs, one diagnosed and the other suspected.  We are at the beginning stages of our divorce. He has been unfaithful more than once, and I have had this sort of awakening in realizing that I completely lost myself over time.  That's been tough to come to terms with as I've always regarded myself as a strong and capable person, when it turns out I'm a doormat.  So I am quitting the relationship for good.  After three years of trying to move forward (suicide threats from him, couples counseling, he even sought treatment on his own), we are finally trying mediation.  He has a girlfriend now, and is ready to move on.  Thanks for "listening."

[elizadoolittle]

I am not certain if my partner has bpd, as he has never been formally diagnosed.  He does share a lot of traits with this diagnosis.  I have also looked into obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and he aligns with that diagnosis as well.  Either way, he has mental health issues.  He was formally diagnosed as a child with ADD.  And later as an adult he has been diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression. 

I am currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and Splitting and can relate to a lot of the stories told in both of these books.    My husband and I have been married for 20 years and it has been a whirlwind of highs and lows.  We have three children, two of which have special needs, one diagnosed and the other suspected.  We are at the beginning stages of our divorce. He has been unfaithful more than once, and I have had this sort of awakening in realizing that I completely lost myself over time.  That's been tough to come to terms with as I've always regarded myself as a strong and capable person, when it turns out I'm a doormat.  So I am quitting the relationship for good.  After three years of trying to move forward (suicide threats from him, couples counseling, he even sought treatment on his own), we are finally trying mediation.  He has a girlfriend now, and is ready to move on.  Thanks for "listening."

[elizadoolittle]

After reading some of the info and others posts, I wanted to ask if anyone has had their bpd favor one child over the other? My husband has an attachment to one of our children that I think may be unhealthy. This child (who has special needs) won’t say he loves anyone else except my husband. My husband also allows this child to do whatever he wants. My husband lights up when talking about this child and almost seems to get a high off this child’s every achievement. Which don’t get me wrong, this child achievements are a big deal since he was born with many issues, but it’s on another level with my husband. I am pretty sure that my husband wants full custody of this child. We have three kids. Our youngest is beginning therapy because he is constantly down on himself and I think a lot of this stems from my husbands crazy obsession with this child’s  brother. This is my greatest worry going into this divorce. Sometimes I think I should just wait it out until the kids are out of school, but my youngest is 7, and I want to set a good example for kids. Thanks.

[Turkish]

 Hello elizadoolittle,



This might help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

His focus on your one child does sound odd. It's unlikely that a family court would split visitation schedules between siblings. Is he still living there?

My ex's friend has a son with ASD, and it seemed to me that ahe let him run roughshod when he was younger. Later, our sin was diagnosed with ASD1 at 7 (he's almost 11 now). I was cognizant of it, but I also never let him do whatever he wanted or to get away with things.  It's so tough when the other parent has a much different style.

How is meditation going so far?

[elizadoolittle]

Thanks for the info.

Yes we are still living together, which is not always easy. 

The mediation started out okay, but then the mediator insisted we both have our own separate lawyers for guidance through the process, so now my husband wants to start anew with a different mediator.  I insisted we stick with this process, and he capitulated which was surprising. 

Do bp's have to be in control?  My husband has been a control freak for as long as I can remember.  Do they worry incessantly about what other people think, to the point that they'll disappoint their loved ones to make strangers feel comfortable, so as not to come off as rude?

[ForeverDad]

I'll try to comment on as many questions as I can recall.  (Yes, I'll cheat by reviewing the posts but I will still forget some of my fleeting thoughts.)

Don't fret, most of us never got a diagnosis on our ex-spouses.  Court doesn't seem to care for one, yet it also doesn't seem impressed when we "play doctor" even though we know our ex so well.  So we typically say the documentation of the poor behavior is what makes a difference.

If you only play 'defense' then you're at a disadvantage in any legal struggle, just like in competitive sports you also have to play 'offense' to win (or lose less).

I  agree with Turkish that courts generally prefer to keep the children's visitation together.  It's rare for the children to get separated, generally it's only in the movies such as Parent Trap.

At first court won't care which of you two is causing the most conflict, it will in time, hopefully, come to realize that you are the reasonably normal parent with insightful solutions.  Doesn't mean you'll get them accepted from the start, but eventually.

I read this truism years ago and it has some truth in it... The parent behaving poorly seldom gets much in the way of consequences and the parent behaving well seldom gets much in the way of credit.  (1) Don't think you have to be super-fair or super-nice, court generally doesn't take notice or care how nice or fair you are to your ex, just do what is better for the children.  (2) Something to ponder for those times when you walk out of court stunned thinking "that wasn't fair".

BPD is often co-morbid with other PDs, or at least traits of PDs.  One who demands to be in control likely has Narcissistic traits too.  That's why many here on the Family Law & Divorce board believe their controlling spouses also have Narcissistic, Antisocial or Paranoid traits.  Even though many professionals will ignore PD possibilities, our awareness of them helps us find and use time-tested strategies that are more likely to work.

It is not uncommon for one child to be favored over the others.  Sometimes it is based on the child's sex, sometimes the child's compliant personality. It varies.  I suspect a lot has to do with the child's weakness or gullibility to become that parent's advocate.

You feel you were a doormat.  Join the club.  We all tried to appease and comply hoping the future would be better.  It wasn't.  Our appeasing and compliance was used against us to keep us at a disadvantage.

YOU are your children's most ardent advocate.  You don't have to be timid.  If you consider something ex wants isn't right, speak up and speak why.  If you want something, state why.  (However, accept that you can't reason with your ex, he won't listen.)

Continue reading and posting here.  There is a vast store of collective experience here in peer support.

[EyesUp]

Hello ElizaD,

I'm in a similar situation - 14yr marriage/25yr relationship, three daughters, beginning the process of D.

Historically, my W strongly favored our oldest, D12, who is very bright, an excellent student, a voracious reader - traits she shares with my W.  She also shares my W's anxiety and has had panic attacks and seen a T in the past, but not currently.

Our middle child, D9, has ADHD (formal diagnosis).  Prior to the diagnosis, my W often referred to her as sociopath.  W did a great job securing appropriate support for D9 at school, but once we had the diagnosis any effort to help develop certain functional skills went out the window and my W frequently talks about D9 as a burden ("I need to spend all day cleaning her room because she will never be able to do it herself").

Our third child, D5, is probably W's favorite now - classic 3rd child, she is great at "play" - alone or in groups - and has no trouble stealing the spotlight or garnering tremendous attention (or sympathy) for any reason.

My wife lets D5 get away with murder, and has become somewhat impatient with D12's occasional irrational behavior associated with anxiety - not helpful.

In parallel, my W has also accused me of showing favoritism to D9. I do make a conscious effort to spend equal time with all three kids, both 1:1 and together.  I suppose some of my effort to support D9 comes across as "coddling" or similar.

Not sure if my story is helpful to you, just wanted to say that you're not alone.  I'm relatively new here, too - I'll be interested to follow this thread and your story.

[worriedStepmom]

Our youngest is beginning therapy because he is constantly down on himself and I think a lot of this stems from my husbands crazy obsession with this child’s  brother. This is my greatest worry going into this divorce. Sometimes I think I should just wait it out until the kids are out of school, but my youngest is 7, and I want to set a good example for kids. Thanks.

I'm so glad you're getting therapy for your S7.  My son started therapy at about the same age because he was also very down on himself and starting to talk about the world being a better place without him in it.  After a year of therapy we realized we needed more, and now he's also on anti-anxiety meds.  The combination gave me back my kid 

It is very likely that divorce will make things harder on the kids in the short-term, but in the long-term it might solve some problems.  Right now, the kids don't have a "safe" space.  They have to walk on eggshells around Dad.  If you separate, the kids will have a large chunk of the time with you, where they will be emotionally safe and can be free to be themselves.  They'll only have to walk on eggshells part of the time.