I’m trying to stay afloat with my spouse

[Nova88]

Hi all, this is my first post and I’m really nervous to make it. I’ve been pouring through the internet this last year trying to make sense of what is happening with my husband which led me to this site. He is undiagnosed but I believe he has BPD based on what I have learned about it. He also was very close to being diagnosed with ADHD as a child but they felt he was on the line there and it was never officially diagnosed.

This will be long but I will try my best to be concise. I have been with my husband for 14 years and married for two. We are both 32. We met in college and have been together since. In those early years, once in a blue moon he would have an emotional outburst that seemed extreme to the circumstances that caused it. The outburst would include yelling at me and/or breaking objects. I always brushed these instances off or he would explain why he felt the need to act out and a lot of the times his explanations made sense. Towards the end of college he would have outbursts more frequently. They seemed to happen more often when he had been drinking. I started to think he may have a drinking problem and if he could address the drinking and get it under control then things would be fine.
His parents had him later in life and he’s an only child. He explained to me that he felt very isolated as a child and also unwanted. They lived in a country setting and he didn’t get to play with other kids very often outside of school. His parents had their own hobbies which they dragged him along to and he felt like an afterthought a lot of the time. His mother was a perfectionist and would criticize how he would do chores around the house. He would get frustrated that she would always tell him he wasn’t doing it right and give up on the task she gave him. This would turn into his mother telling his father what happened and then his father would bust into his room screaming and put holes in the wall. He does not have a good relationship with them still and harbors a lot of hate and resentment toward them still. We live in the same town but see them often and he is cordial. I have encouraged him to let them know how he feels and he is strongly opposed to it.
After college, we moved back to his home state so he could go to grad school. During those times, his outbursts got worse and sometimes he would be verbally and mentally abusive at times. These were usually under times of stress, but I would always get caught completely off guard and left wondering what I could have done to avoid it.

I learned that his triggers often revolved around feelings of inadequacy, when he would get hurt (stub his toe or get scratched by the cat), feelings of rejection, or accidents IE- I spilled a drink or broke something by accident. He doesn’t seem to accept that accidents are just that, and that there was no way to avoid it and it wasn’t done intentionally. He also gets triggered while driving once in a while and will have road rage.

There have been two times in our relationship that things spiraled out of control and I was left confused and frightened for months on end. The first was when one of our best friends died unexpectedly. He had very serious survivors guilt and was drinking to self medicate. He was very suicidal during that time. It took years and he is still healing from that understandably but the crisis improved after our other friends and his sister reached out to tell him they were concerned. He tried therapy with someone his sister recommended, but the therapist also focused on the drinking and told him that drinking to mourn his friend was doing the friend a disservice. This left a bad taste in his mouth for therapy.
Things improved and we got engaged. This was a very happy time with relatively few episodes. After the wedding, we were outgrowing our apartment and I encouraged him to buy a house with me. We did. We’ve lived in our home for a year and a half. The stress of owning a home and the necessary upkeep stressed him out. He’s recently revealed to me that he wasn’t ready to buy a house but he went along with it because he knew I really wanted to and he agreed that it would be beneficial in the long run.
 Then the pandemic hit. He lost his job as a preschool teacher. The school closed permanently. This job was something that truly lit a fire in him and gave him purpose. He went to school for special education but learned that he really liked working with the younger kids. The job loss led to a complete identity crisis. He spiraled and there were more bad days than good. I’ve been walking on eggshells since then. The episodes included him throwing and breaking things, raging and screaming in my face, splitting and telling me I’m selfish, that I never listen to him, that nothing he ever does is good enough. One time he came screaming down the stairs at me and I left the house because I was scared. He continued screaming on the phone about how every day all he feels is shame. He has had delusional thoughts when things were really bad. He was disassociating and told me he didn’t feel real and that his arms felt like they were disconnected from his body. He explained he hears voices sometimes. He has a lot of suicidal ideation but has never actively self harmed or attempted. He’s told me that every day he wakes up and is disappointed to be alive. He says he doesn’t know what he’s doing in life because he never expected to be alive this long. He pushes me away and admits that that’s what he’s doing because I would be better off without him. Has a lot of self loathing.

The worst evening in the last few months he raged so hard that he threatened me and physically would not let me leave. He went into detail about horrible things that he COULD do to me and kept repeating himself. Then he would follow up with things like “I would never hurt you, why would you believe that?” And then go right back into the aggressive intimidation. In the middle of the episode, he would have moments of clarity where he would legitimately ask me what had just happened. Like he had amnesia and could not remember the last hour. Then he would go back into rage. I almost called the police. He has never hit me but has done things kind of on the line like restraining me so I can’t leave or loosely hold his hands around my neck without squeezing. Both of these things happened that evening. He was so remorseful the next day but he honestly did not remember the details. When he gets like that, his eyes change and he does not look like the same person at all. It’s like he’s someone else entirely. Such intense abuse has not happened since and I do not feel like I am in danger. This is not the norm. This type of really scary situation has happened twice in our relationship like I stated before. Not to excuse the behavior, just for clarification.

He found a new job and the major episode ended a couple weeks ago. Now that things have calmed down, I’m having a lot of feelings come to the surface that I was avoiding when I was in survival mode. I have come to him and explained that I’m scared of him when he gets that way, that some of the things he has said and done were abusive, that I know he has had a lot of trauma in his life and I want to get him into therapy so he can begin the healing process. That I don’t know if I can continue with our relationship if he doesn’t take steps to start taking responsibility for his behavior. He listened calmly and said he agreed but I couldn’t get much more out of him. He rarely sincerely apologizes. I told him that I know he self medicates to feel better but that I can see that the alcohol exacerbates his symptoms and that ultimately to heal he would need to stop drinking. He is not physically dependent but drinks every day but spaces them out to avoid getting drunk. He told me that he won’t stop because he’s certain if he did that he would turn to pills and ultimately end up on heroin. He has a very addictive personality and was given pain pills after a car accident in college where he was very close to abusing the pills. He also has chronic pain that stems from hyper pronation of his feet which causes back pain.
I’m in therapy for my own anxiety but usually in my sessions we talk about strategies for communicating with him and dealing with the stress I’m feeling from our relationship. I have tried to find a compatible therapist for him per his own request but am feeling like nothing is going to work for him. He said he wants a therapist that understands his professional background and knowledge of psychology. He’s studied the DSM and is very familiar with it but also doesn’t want to get diagnosed himself. He has told me that he thinks it would benefit me more to know than him and why can’t I accept him for who he is? He wants someone who can start at step 4 and not 1. He doesn’t want to be spoken to like he doesn’t understand therapy. He wants someone who isn’t close by because he’s afraid that running into someone he knows is professional blacklisting. He doesn’t want to travel too far away either. He has also said he is concerned that he would spend his time trying to play games with the therapist and not actually being honest with them. He is dead against medication. He will barely take vitamins and is concerned he will be a zombie and that the pharmaceutical companies are evil. At this point his work schedule is prohibitive and I don’t know what to do. I have been thinking about divorce because I’m unsure how much longer I can be in this relationship if he refuses to do anything. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m worried that nothing will ever improve if he doesn’t decide to take a step forward. I know I can’t force him to. He doesn’t feel he is worthy or able to ever be happy. He definitely feels chronic emptiness.

The thing I am currently struggling with the most are when he creates an issue out of nowhere and then forces me into a circular conversation that I truly feel like I can’t escape from in the moment. He seems very manipulative when this happens. No matter what my response is to what he’s saying it seems he has an issue with it. He has accused me of deflecting, stonewalling him, twisting his words, and even gaslighting. This leaves me so confused and hurt because this is exactly what I feel he does to me sometimes. Even when I try to validate his feelings he gets mad and says he wants me to say something of substance.  I have stopped sharing my true feelings over the years because I’m afraid of his reaction. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode because he counters every single statement I make. A lot of times the only way to end the conversation is to agree with him. I’m noticing that I’m really valuing the time when he isn’t home because I feel peace. It makes me really sad.

I fell in love with him for his kind goofy nature. His ability to light up a room and make me laugh. His encouragement to follow my career path and pursue my hobbies. He was such a good teacher. He's a talented musician. He’s a kind, giving person, and we have an incredible intimate connection. I see less of the man I fell in love with these days. I don’t want to abandon him or give up on my marriage but I’m extremely depressed and feeling hopeless. I’m also terrified of how he would react if I decided to actually leave, aside from being afraid of losing friends, and the house that we worked together to make a home. It doesn’t feel like home anymore though. I love this man so much, I just don’t know what else I can do. I’m sorry for writing a book. It was 14 years of thoughts. Thank you for bearing with me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Nova 88:
Sorry about your situation.  I can understand that you are scared and conflicted.

 
I’m in therapy for my own anxiety but usually in my sessions we talk about strategies for communicating with him and dealing with the stress I’m feeling from our relationship.  

I know that your therapist can't diagnose your husband, without him being involved, but have you shared all these details with your therapist and asked for an opinion regarding a diagnosis for your husband?

It's understandable how some behaviors from his parents could be tied to some of his current behaviors.  It's, also, possible that his father's rages were due to a mental health condition, that your husband inherited genetically.

 The worst evening in the last few months he raged so hard that he threatened me and physically would not let me leave. He went into detail about horrible things that he COULD do to me and kept repeating himself. Then he would follow up with things like “I would never hurt you, why would you believe that?” And then go right back into the aggressive intimidation. In the middle of the episode, he would have moments of clarity where he would legitimately ask me what had just happened. Like he had amnesia and could not remember the last hour. Then he would go back into rage. I almost called the police.

The above behaviors are alarming and need to be taken seriously.  For your own welfare, you need to make a safety plan for yourself.  You have to believe that the horrible things he says he COULD do to you are possible.

I don't think that the above episode you describe is typical of BPD, and perhaps some other mental health issues need to be ruled out. I have to admit, I'd be scared.  You mention alcohol abuse and other self medicating.  Could he have abused some type of drug, during that very scary event?

Stressful life events, can bring on extreme BPD behaviors.  So, many of the behaviors after the death of his friend and the loss of a job, kind of fall in line with that.  The scary event seems a bit extreme, and could have a different cause.

Since he says he won't ever take any meds and won't go to therapy, that leaves you in a miserable situation. He isn't making sense, if he won't try meds for his psychiatric issues, but he will choose to use alcohol.  Spacing out alcohol during a day, doesn't make it less of an addiction and it is a means of self-medicating. 

I'm hoping you don't have children, or that it's a possibility in the near term.  He may work with children, and hopefully there won't be any abuse issues there.  Most problem behaviors tend to happen at home, where a person feels comfortable.  You would have to anticipate that he would inflict similar verbal abuse upon his children and mimic the behaviors of his parents.



You might talk to your therapist about a safety plan for you and think through some situations.  Have an extra car key hidden somewhere, think through what you would do with situation A, B & C. Think over the things he said he could do to you and how you might prevent or deflect those situations.

Think about what room you could escape to, if you had to wait for police to come.  (i.e. a door wedge, used to keep doors open can be used from the inside to keep someone from coming in).  Maybe have some personal protection things, like pepper spray and a stun gunn, etc.  There can be a pro & con, as they could be used against you.

Anyway, just prompting some thought. The part of him that couldn't remember what he said, whose eyes looked strange, you need to prepare to defend and protect yourself against that persona.  It might not come back tomorrow, next week or next month, but the next time some stressful life event happens, you have to anticipate that the extreme and alarming behaviors will return and you need to be prepared, should you choose to stay.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  I hear that he has some special traits that you adore.  It's a common situation and the stories here are similar:  He/She is the best thing that ever happened to me, except when they are verbally and/or physically abusive, controlling, degrading, demeaning . . .and the list goes on.

[Nova88]

Thank you for taking the time to read and for responding. I have spoken with my therapist about what he thinks based on what I’ve told him, and he agreed that he has bpd traits but also wouldn’t rule out bipolar with mixed episodes.
I understand that what happened that night was a serious situation. I should probably elaborate on what prompted the episode in the first place. He came home already very worked up about how he had a good conversation with his dad and that he wants the cycle of abuse to end and just because his dad was bad to him doesn’t mean he has to be. We have a thing we do where we jokingly slap each other in the face. Not hard just playing around. We also dabble in bdsm so it’s not out of the ordinary for us. So he told me that he was still going to tap my face and then does it. Then I held my hand up and asked if I could do it back and he nodded so I did it back. Not hard just the usual. He just snapped. I can see now why it was a huge trigger but I also am not downplaying the seriousness of it. I understand it’s serious. I told our best friend the details. He was definitely not in any drugs. I’m confident of that. However I do think he was drunk. I know that spacing out his drinking doesn’t make it any less of an addiction, I just said that to explain his logic behind why he can keep doing it and still be functional. He didn’t space out his drinks that day though. I was working so I didn’t see him drinking but this was when he was still unemployed and I could tell he had been drinking.
We don’t have children and I know we can’t because I am worried about him lashing out at my theoretical children. This is another reason I’m thinking about how long term I might need to leave if I ever want to have kids.
He was absolutely great with the kids at the preschool.  He would never lash out in a professional position. He also had a co/teacher who is a really good friend of ours as well and she knows nothing about this secret of his. His episodes are behind closed doors and the occasional slip up in front of close friends if he’s been drinking. I know if we had our own kids it would probably be different.
I have considered safety plans and leave my car keys easily accessible. It breaks my heart to have to feel like I need to do that though. I also have a safe word that I can text to my friend who knows what’s going on in case I’m in a situation where I’m stuck and I need him to call the police. I care about him so much but I feel like I really got lost in trying to fix things and help him that the flame in my soul is burning out. He’s been encouraging me to go out and do things and have hobbies but I’m just really depressed right now and it’s not easy with the virus.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 Hi again Nova88:

I also have a safe word that I can text to my friend who knows what’s going on in case I’m in a situation where I’m stuck and I need him to call the police.  

 What if you are tied up, and can't get to your phone?  Do you have a watch that you can text from?

 

I care about him so much but I feel like I really got lost in trying to fix things and help him that the flame in my soul is burning out. He’s been encouraging me to go out and do things and have hobbies but I’m just really depressed right now and it’s not easy with the virus.

You getting out and busy with something sounds like a good idea.  Can you go for walks around your neighborhood or perhaps a park or hiking trail.  Maybe take a camera & get into some photography.  Just getting out in nature and doing a mindful walk, can serve to recharge you and make you feel better.

Do you have any hobbies?  The best way to deal with depression is to keep busy and make some type of accomplishments.

[Nova88]

I don’t have a texting watch. I’m having a hard time considering ever not being able to get help but I suppose in these situations you have to expect things that you’d never think in a million years would happen. Even if you’ve known a person as long as I’ve known him there’s always a chance it will get worse one day. Having to grapple with that idea makes me want to escape the relationship more than I did.

I’m actually a photographer. It’s what I went to college for. I just really lost my spark for it. There are a lot of great walking trails around where I live but I’m kind of scared to go through the woods alone. Point made though. I need to go out and do something. Thank you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I’m actually a photographer. It’s what I went to college for. I just really lost my spark for it. There are a lot of great walking trails around where I live but I’m kind of scared to go through the woods alone. Point made though. I need to go out and do something. Thank you.

Perhaps you can get some friends of family to join you on a hike.  Perhaps there is some way to connect with fellow hikers.  I do understand that it's not wise to hike too far alone.  Perhaps you can find some path/strategy to make it safer (i.e. gps tracker, staying in safer areas, have some form of personal protection with you).

You might try some mindfulness meditations and/or strategies.  You probably have been ruminating on your situation, so it can be helpful to clear your mind & relax.  You might consider trying the Insight Timer app.  There is a lot to use there for free & they have been having live events that you can connect to, in order to sample different forms of meditation and relaxation techniques.  There have been some events on managing anxiety.  If you end up liking Insight Timer, there is a modest fee subscription that includes courses that many of the presenters.  You can find a wide variety of presenters on the app:  from a neuroscientist, psychologists to yogi's.

[Nova88]

I’ve definitely been ruminating. I’ll check out that app. Thank you for the suggestions. It means a lot.