BPD Mother . HELP

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi!
I‘m from germany so please excuse my english.
I am currently reading walking on eggshells and came upon this site. I really hope someone can help me.
5 Months ago I visited my mother for the weekend, which is always very nerve racking for me because I always have to tip toe around hoping not to cause her to get mad or sad.
The first day went fine, the second day was already loaded with some negative emotion and on the third day I couldn‘t handle it anymore.. She judged my 2,5 jear old son to be more polite. That was not ok for me, I had to protect him from her. So I screamed at her! She did not take it well. And neither did I. I only wanted to go home. Normally I write her as soln as I‘ve arrived home, so she knows I‘m safe. ( this is very important for her) I didn‘t do so because I was still angry. The next day she wrote me the meanest email you can imagine. She pushed me away and banned me from the family more or less. I answered to her that I needed space and time to figure out what had happened. We haven‘t spoken since May. She wrote mean emails to my dad about me ( they‘re divorced) and at the same time suddenly wrote loving messages to me, telling me to take my time and that she loved me very much. So confusing..

[Papreeka]

Hi!
I‘m from germany so please excuse my english.
I am currently reading walking on eggshells and came upon this site. I really hope someone can help me.
5 Months ago I visited my mother for the weekend, which is always very nerve racking for me because I always have to tip toe around hoping not to cause her to get mad or sad.
The first day went fine, the second day was already loaded with some negative emotion and on the third day I couldn‘t handle it anymore.. She judged my 2,5 jear old son to be more polite. That was not ok for me, I had to protect him from her. So I screamed at her! She did not take it well. And neither did I. I only wanted to go home. Normally I write her as soln as I‘ve arrived home, so she knows I‘m safe. ( this is very important for her) I didn‘t do so because I was still angry. The next day she wrote me the meanest email you can imagine. She pushed me away and banned me from the family more or less. I answered to her that I needed space and time to figure out what had happened. We haven‘t spoken since May. She wrote mean emails to my dad about me ( they‘re divorced) and at the same time suddenly wrote loving messages to me, telling me to take my time and that she loved me very much. So confusing..

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Papreeka-

Although I’m not normally on the parents board, your post caught my eye.  Welcome to our community... I hope you’ll stay around, learn as much as you can and begin your healing process.

I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced growing up with a BPD mom.  Your fear of interactions with your mom seems so deeply programmed inside you that of course when you visit, you’re going to feel apprehensive and scared.  That’s only natural.  And her criticisms of your child FEEL like intense direct attacks on you.  Almost like she’s about to begin her damage all over again... and your soul is saying NO!  So understandable, my friend...

You have some space and time.  You do.  It’s so good that you’re reading books now to gain an understanding of how your childhood has truly impacted you.  And how you can and will stop this cycle of abuse.  So that you will NOT unwillingly do to your child what your mother did to you.  Can you see that?  Please approach your healing with self-love, patience and compassion.  You deserve this...

Can you say...  Do you share an honest, comfortable relationship with your dad?  What kind of understanding does he have of your mom’s behaviors?

Finally, there ARE tools to improve your relationship with your BPD mom, assuming you want that.  We can discuss later.

It seems your mom DOES want you in her life.  And that IS good.  In your mom’s latest “loving” messages to you, she’s acknowledging something went wrong and that you need time.  You can thank her for that acknowledgment and tell her that you love her, too.  And will be in touch when you can.  If you want that.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Turkish]

Hi Papreeka,

So the current situation is that you are communicating by e-mail, with hers being nice.  How do you respond, especially knowing that she's venting to her ex husband, your dad?

[Papreeka]

Hi Papreeka,

So the current situation is that you are communicating by e-mail, with hers being nice.  How do you respond, especially knowing that she's venting to her ex husband, your dad?

Hi Turkish,

thank you for your reply.
My mother actually wrote me another mean letter just the other day.
Telling me that she would give me a hard time if I ever wanted to get back in touch with her.

I responded to her and told her that it was never my intention to hurt her or to abandon her but that I need time to heal in a safe space.

She hasn`t replied.

Papreeka

[Papreeka]

Dear Papreeka-

Although I’m not normally on the parents board, your post caught my eye.  Welcome to our community... I hope you’ll stay around, learn as much as you can and begin your healing process.

I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced growing up with a BPD mom.  Your fear of interactions with your mom seems so deeply programmed inside you that of course when you visit, you’re going to feel apprehensive and scared.  That’s only natural.  And her criticisms of your child FEEL like intense direct attacks on you.  Almost like she’s about to begin her damage all over again... and your soul is saying NO!  So understandable, my friend...

You have some space and time.  You do.  It’s so good that you’re reading books now to gain an understanding of how your childhood has truly impacted you.  And how you can and will stop this cycle of abuse.  So that you will NOT unwillingly do to your child what your mother did to you.  Can you see that?  Please approach your healing with self-love, patience and compassion.  You deserve this...

Can you say...  Do you share an honest, comfortable relationship with your dad?  What kind of understanding does he have of your mom’s behaviors?

Finally, there ARE tools to improve your relationship with your BPD mom, assuming you want that.  We can discuss later.

It seems your mom DOES want you in her life.  And that IS good.  In your mom’s latest “loving” messages to you, she’s acknowledging something went wrong and that you need time.  You can thank her for that acknowledgment and tell her that you love her, too.  And will be in touch when you can.  If you want that.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi Gemsforeyes

Thank you for your kind reply to my post.
I was a bit nervous as I have never posted anything like this before.

Can you say...  Do you share an honest, comfortable relationship with your dad?  What kind of understanding does he have of your mom’s behaviors?


I do share a quite honest and comfortable relationship with my dad. Although I don´t think he can look at the problem neutrally. He has his own opinion about her, and also agrees on that she might have BPD. He remembers her reactions when they were still together and told me some stories about that time.

I do also think that my mom wants me in her life, even though she wrote these mean emails.
After reading the book ( Walking on eggshells) I realized that her biggest fear is to be abandonned and that maybe she finds it easier to abandon me before she is abandoned? Does that make any sense?
 I just don`t know how to aproach her. I DO want to tell her how hurtful her messages were and that I can not understand how a mom can write these things to her own child. After all I only stood my ground when I visited her, and what does she do? she punishes me... She has always done this and that is why it`s so hard for me to stand up for mysef in life, even with my Husband and friends. I always want to please and never think of what I actually want.
I´m sorry, I drifted off a little bit.

I am very curious on the tools you mentioned.

looking forward to your answer.
Papreeka

[Methuen]

I realized that her biggest fear is to be abandonned and that maybe she finds it easier to abandon me before she is abandoned? Does that make any sense?

This makes complete sense Papreeka.  You have "hit the nail on the head", as we like to say.

Your mom's recent emails to you suggest she is in an intense emotional dysregulation.  It sounds like taking some time away from her, is helpful for your own well-being.  Is that about right?  It also sounds like she wants a relationship with you, but being BPD, everything will be "your fault", and she will not be able to look back at herself to reflect on what she could do differently.  This makes it more challenging to move forward in a relationship with a high conflict person.

Your fear of interactions with your mom seems so deeply programmed inside you that of course when you visit, you’re going to feel apprehensive and scared.  That’s only natural.  And her criticisms of your child FEEL like intense direct attacks on you.  Almost like she’s about to begin her damage all over again... and your soul is saying NO!  So understandable, my friend...

I was reading the post by Gemsforeyes, and I agree it sounds like there must have been many "triggers" and much fear and anxiety for you while you were at her house. Her criticism of your 2 1/2 yr old child crossed your  "boundary".  Your reaction is completely understandable.

I think it is amazing that you are doing this work now, when your family is still so young, and you can still change the patterns of parenting to avoid what your mother did with you.  You have awareness and that is such a great start!  

Here is a link to some of the tools:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334882.0
When I was a newbie here, it took me longer than it should have to find these, because I always went straight to the board conversations. Since it sounds like your mom is in an emotional dysregulation right now, a place to focus might be on SET.  For me, understanding how the BPD thinks and feels was helpful to my subsequent learning of how to use SET.  It takes a while to get the hang of when to use SET, and how to use it.  Along with the "Eggshell" book (Stop Walking on Eggshells or SWOE), I found "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning, to be incredibly helpful. It was a great follow-up to SWOE for me.

On our website here, you might also find the section on self-care helpful, as well as the "tools".  It can get better.

Welcome to our board!  Let us know how we can best support you.

[stargazer95]

Hi friend,

I am so sorry you are going through this. My mother also has BPD and she was very critical of my children as well. I stopped talking with her last year but am now trying to get back in touch but learning to set boundaries. This is very hard. I am actually impressed by how clear and respectful you were in your email to her. I also used to get into arguments with my mom and she would end up crying or cutting me off from family to make me feel guilty which I would do and instantly beg for forgiveness.

Take the time and space you need. You are no longer her little daughter but have children of your own. I am rooting for you.