She wants lifetime alimony

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Despite providing her a near at dammit transcript of the conversation AND a reference for her to cross check at the bank, she is adamant that the only option available to us is to put the house on the market. I don't want to do this as it removes the option of me buying the house.

Not that it helps your case, but I fully understand what you're going through.  I am trying to negotiate with an ex that has a fear of being out of money at 65 once her disability payments run out (I suspect Munchausen's syndrome because she can play sports no problem) and she has to rely on her investments and pension.  This is her biggest fear so of course she wants lifetime alimony since I am within a year from the "lifetime lottery".  And courts here are handing out alimony like candy.  It makes me sick, that means that I cannot have any job freedom for the rest of my life, I need to keep the same stressful income as now. 

Remember that you cannot argue with a BPD using facts or logic.  I know it all too well. 

[mart555]

Despite providing her a near at dammit transcript of the conversation AND a reference for her to cross check at the bank, she is adamant that the only option available to us is to put the house on the market. I don't want to do this as it removes the option of me buying the house.

Not that it helps your case, but I fully understand what you're going through.  I am trying to negotiate with an ex that has a fear of being out of money at 65 once her disability payments run out (I suspect Munchausen's syndrome because she can play sports no problem) and she has to rely on her investments and pension.  This is her biggest fear so of course she wants lifetime alimony since I am within a year from the "lifetime lottery".  And courts here are handing out alimony like candy.  It makes me sick, that means that I cannot have any job freedom for the rest of my life, I need to keep the same stressful income as now. 

Remember that you cannot argue with a BPD using facts or logic.  I know it all too well. 

[Enabler]

It makes me sick, that means that I cannot have any job freedom for the rest of my life, I need to keep the same stressful income as now. 

I would take advice on that. In the UK at least all alamony is adjustable unless there is a clean break. If she wants to be reliant on you for income, she has to bare the risk that the income may well disappear. You could die or even generate a mysterious stress related illness that meant your capacity to work was diminished.

[mart555]

In Canada they are quite generous, and you need a "material change" to get it reopen, + court time.  So you retire a year early?  Forget it, it's not a reason to pay less spousal.  Gotta work until at least 65.  I've seen so many bad decisions in caselaw and newspapers that it's maddening.  The judges were described as "75 years old geezers that have the old mentality and no concept of personality disorders".

Trying to be nice and help really doesn't help in the end.
 

[Enabler]

That sucks.

There seems to be a significant difference between UK and US/CAD treatment in divorce courts. There even seems to be significant variation intra-state.

Would demonstrating that she can play sport demonstrate to the court or whoever needs to see it that she is feigning injuries? Do you know if that would help your cause?

New-Life

[mart555]

Would demonstrating that she can play sport demonstrate to the court or whoever needs to see it that she is feigning injuries? Do you know if that would help your cause?

She would likely lose her disability pension and ask for more money from me..

[SamwizeGamgee]

I hear you.  It's nuts what a woman can get in a divorce.  It seems they should all do it (once they decide to discard the man anyway).
I do that know finances scares a lot of stay-home parents into staying married, as does child access scare working parents into staying married.
I wish the courts could get out of the picture.
Presently, I got an unbelievable settlement offer from STBX.  My eyes are still bugged out looking at what she wants in alimony, and for life!  But, she seems dead serious that she'll get it. 
I expect we will end with a compromised number, but, holy jackpot!
I'll see you at the soup kitchen, Mart!

[mart555]

Presently, I got an unbelievable settlement offer from STBX.  My eyes are still bugged out looking at what she wants in alimony, and for life!  But, she seems dead serious that she'll get it.  
I expect we will end with a compromised number, but, holy jackpot!
I'll see you at the soup kitchen, Mart!

How will you end up with a compromise?  Through the court system and have a judge decide?  There's no reasoning with them.  They feel entitled and they victimize themselves due to the divorce. How are we supposed to make them understand that it doesn't make any sense?  

[whirlpoollife]

Here in US.   I had paid my xh alimony.  He took me to a trial for it .  During the separation and lengthy divorce I had two to three jobs , he got himself unemployed. I also had a capital gain (“income”)on the sale of my moms house (inherited) ) which put my minimum wage income above his income.
So he was awarded a fixed amount. I had the choice to pay in lump sum or monthly. I choose monthly , till paid off, so would he would have a steady stream of income otherwise he would of spent the lump sum and then come back to try to get more. 
Soon to be xspouses can ask for everything so you then have to “compromise”.  When they should get no alimony to begin with.
And here the courts , support departments, use imputed income.  Income that could be made even though it’s not actual, on the spouse not working which helps brings down the payments. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

How will you end up with a compromise?  Through the court system and have a judge decide?  There's no reasoning with them.  They feel entitled and they victimize themselves due to the divorce. How are we supposed to make them understand that it doesn't make any sense?  

In my case, STBX is asking for much more than even the state guidelines recommend for spousal support, and about three times the amount for child support, and she's using disparate numbers to calculate it (my pretax income to her post tax income). I'm taking the proposal to a second opnion lawyer, who I am interviewing for the job.  But, I can't help but believe that even a full-out court battle with the court deciding would be a better deal than the "settlement" offer STBX gave me.  And, she's serious.  And seriously entitled.  She'll be mad as a hornet when or if she doesn't get what she expects. Perhaps unwittingly, she's taken away my incentive to make a deal by being so overly aggressive and greedy.

[mart555]

She'll be mad as a hornet when or if she doesn't get what she expects. Perhaps unwittingly, she's taken away my incentive to make a deal by being so overly aggressive and greedy.

Let her be mad. Don't give in too much because you're not done dealing with her... you have kids.

[ForeverDad]

I'm not sure whether this has been mentioned here but don't forget that you shouldn't counter your own offers.  How so?  Sometimes, when we don't get a response, we're tempted to send out another, better offer.  In effect, we'd be bidding ourselves lower.  Self-sabotaging.  It may give the ex the impression to wait you out, expecting you to up the ante in the silence.

Another aspect is that we can set a time limit to an offer, such as, "This offer will be withdrawn on {date}."  Or ends when the next hearing commences.  The point is that you don't want your ex claiming an old or dated offer.