I'm completely lost after six weeks of intensive therapy she wants a divorce

[Scared2Lose]

I've spent three years suffering from circular argument after circular argument. I've had my fill and then some. Then we got this BPD diagnosis. A diagnosis everyone but me missed.

We are fortunate enough to access resources for her to get the help she needs. I am so proud of her for facing it down with little to no argument. But now, when things are supposed to be getting better, when we can finally start our life together in earnest both fully aware of what was going on with us and what lies ahead, she says she wants to end the marriage.

We've only been married for two years, but in that two years we build a life around what she thought she wanted, and under false pretense on the financial relationship between her and her parents (they are rich, she has a trust). I had wanted to live within my means (she's not able to work for a number of reasons), but she wanted to stay in NYC for her "career". I thought she had an understanding with her parents (in fact I insisted on it before we decided what to do). They either renegged or it was never what she thought it was, and now that I've lost my job, suffer through 2 years of knowing something was wrong but not what was wrong, and I'm completely dependent on her and all of my stuff is here and I spent two years making our house a home (she did next to nothing because she's been going through so much), she wants to end it.

She says I can stay here as long as I want, but it's miserable. We're not talking, going about our lives as if we never existed. I have opportunities to go live with my Ma, I'm 41 though and not really trying to do that long term. I guess I'm asking, is it usual for someone who goes through DBT to come out the otherside and then breakup with their S/O? What should or shouldn't I do? I still love her and I'm so much better equipped to help her on this path, but I don't want to stick around and provide her support that she no longer deserves or wants. But I also don't want to vacate communal property because I know that if this keeps going in this direction, any divorce proceedings are going to be tough and full of conflict. I want to make sure that I'm covered.

I don't know what to do, or what to think or how to act. And today is my birthday, so that's awesome too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

Happy Birthday, even if it's not what you were expecting.

I've been hoping to hear from someone, somewhere, that I can expect him to get better if he does the hard work.

Your story gives me pause.

I know what it's like to feel trapped.

I know how it feels like you lost your BFF and your spouse all in one. In many ways, I wish I were only two years into marriage with him. I'm almost 16 in and the things he has put me through are things no one should have to go through.

I'm sorry this is a sucky birthday. It's good you DO have your mother as an option though. You don't have to feel as trapped. I'm sure someone will have good advice about your property and next steps.

Really, I just wanted to say "happy birthday" because I doubt even when you were married that you were given the right attention on your day that you should have been. My husband is great at giving presents that are almost what I wanted.

Hang in there.

[pursuingJoy]

Scared2Lose, just want to join TrulyMadlyDeeply in offering a happy (belated) birthday and letting you know that you're not alone. How was your birthday? I'm so sorry you spend it with such a heavy heart.

Any changes since you posted this? Have you decided to move out, or have you and your wife patched things up for the moment?

Let us know how you're doing!

pj

[CountTo108]

Happy birthday. If I know anything about pwBPD (and I ought to by now) it's that she might change her mind soon. And back again, just as soon. That old dragon, abandonment, is going to rear its head, no matter which way this goes. Sounds like a time to move slowly, deliberately, and be really clear about what you want or don't want—acting, rather than reacting.

[Scared2Lose]

Just wanted to update this a little. She is still determined to go through with the divorce. The caveat is that a lot of what happens during that process is up to her parents (spoler alert, they are pretty crazy themselves and we're pretty sure her Ma has BPD as well). Basically they hold a lot of our finances because of some bad choices we made together on account of them lying about intentions and boundaries.

She's now at an AirBnB about an hour away because she's latched on to her fellow patients from treatment. People she's known for two months total are now the nuclear of her social life.

I'm angry and confused, but I'm doing a good job of acting, not reacting. I'm trying to be supportive of her determination to focus on her treatment and recovery (she's still doing intensive outpatient treatment 2 to 3 times a week).

I'm at the point that I'm not sure if I even want to stay with her. Our relationship's been really hard since we got engage two years ago, but ironically it's been exponentially better since she's gotten back from treatment. I can't reason with her at all. She refuses to accept that a lot of our previous problems were due to her undiagnosed illness and my handling it poorly since I didn't know what was going on. I don't know. I just feel that the right thing for her to do is to realize what was happening, realize we were both going about things in the wrong way, ask for some space to work things out on her own and reevaluate after said space is given. Instead she wants to cut ties with all that we've built despite that I'm the only one whose stuck around long enough to help her through all of this.

Now she thinks she may have biplor 2. On top of the BPD, on top of the OCD. It's all getting to be too much, but it's clear that if I want to make a clear break (financially unfeasible for the moment), I'm going to have to do all the work to make it happen. And all of it just seems so unfair.

[pursuingJoy]

The caveat is that a lot of what happens during that process is up to her parents (spoler alert, they are pretty crazy themselves and we're pretty sure her Ma has BPD as well).

It's a little alarming to read how much influence they have on your situation. I am admittedly averse to financial reliance on a parent, a result of my life experience. If you decide to work things out with your wife, is there any way to work towards financial independence?

I'm angry and confused, but I'm doing a good job of acting, not reacting. I'm trying to be supportive of her determination to focus on her treatment and recovery (she's still doing intensive outpatient treatment 2 to 3 times a week).

Keep this up!  Where else are you finding support for you?

Instead she wants to cut ties with all that we've built despite that I'm the only one whose stuck around long enough to help her through all of this.

Ugh. The harm of black and white thinking. It's hard for her to sit in the in-between - it has to be an extreme for her perceived self-preservation.
 

I'm going to have to do all the work to make it happen. And all of it just seems so unfair.

It is unfair. Many of us can relate to this resentment. I know I felt the same way. I can also say that while the initial work had to start with me, once I saw its impact, it began to take on a life of its own. The weight doesn't feel as heavy as it did at first. I'm still doing the majority of the work, but I now feel better, and stronger, and healthier. My new boundaries are working for me, and it makes the work worth it.

[Scared2Lose]

So I should clarify a couple of points that I made. First and foremost, the finances. She is a trust fund baby, and I am decidedly not. Before getting married I asked her to have a clear cut conversation with her parents about what money would be available to her so that we could plan for our future together. I told her in no uncertain terms that I'd rather live our lives within the means that I can provide than have every decision we make be subject to their approval. However, I felt it unfair to make her live down to my earning potential, if she had all this money set aside from her use.

She had a conversation with them, boundaries were set, I sold my house, we bought one with her money, and I moved to a city that I would never be able to afford, nor intended to live on my own. It soon became clear to me that her parents had no intention of keeping their word, I tried to point it out to her (before all of this went down), but, probably because she was embarrassed, she would shut down, breakdown and disassociate and we would get nowhere. When she asked for a divorce she told me that she wanted/intended to make sure that I have everything I need, and I pointed out to her that's not really up to her, and it's clear that her parents don't care about what happens to me. Even now they're placing conditions on her getting any money, and how much money that will be on her doing things she is either incapable of, or that makes her uncomfortable. They are not good people. And here I am caught in the middle, not wanting the divorce, not wanting to damage her ability to have a relationship with her parents, but financially unable to move forward because I'm in a city I can't afford, of an age where I'm not willing to have a roommate, and completely at the mercy of her being able to handle a situation that she's never been able to address.

As far as what support I have, well that's a little tricky. I have a big family. Any of whom would be willing to help me, but for reasons not worth going into here, I'm trying to create distance there as well, even before all of this happened. My family has a pattern of asking for too much from me, being too judgemental, and basically not being able to empathize in the way that I feel is necessary. However, I keep a regular therapy appointment. I can afford it for the moment, but considering how things are playing out, I may have to forego that so I can start moving forward in dealing with myself.

And just a small update on how she and I are doing. I had sort of a setback today. I tried to talk to her about how this is all making me feel. How I feel this is the worst time to try to make a change like this and how ending our relationship now, considering all that's going on, is not only not necessary, but seems reactionary to the point of harmful. She repeats that we should have never gotten married, that we aren't compatible and never have been, and that this is something she needs to do for herself. When I point out to her that for two years there was this third person in the room preventing us from being able to communicate effectively, and that it seems like she's just running away from a stressful interpersonal relationship and that is a hallmark of what she suffers from, she says I'm being manipulative. Once I get past the hurt and the anger, I realize that I pushed to hard, and try to calm her down. She then accuses me of being inconsistent. But she also says that I repeat the same complaints over and over again, and can't seem to understand how those two statements are contradictory. I tell her that I support her decision but don't agree with it, and that means I have complex emotions about it that I can only work out by talking to her. That she has to realize that she's blowing up my life at the worst possible time. To that she says, do you not think I'm making sacrifices in this. It's just so weird. She points to her therapists not objecting to her decisions, and when I point out that's not part of their job, she just won't hear it.

I mean I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, but I care about this woman and don't want to validate what I feel is a really bad, poorly thought-out decision. I guess I just want to know what I can do to help her while still looking out for myself. I imagine that's why a lot of us are here. Any advice is appreciated.

[once removed]

is it usual for someone who goes through DBT to come out the otherside and then breakup with their S/O?

its not unusual.

for example, sometimes what keeps a relationship together is more unhealthy than healthy. if one or both partners "get healthy", that unhealthy glue can lose some of its hold. that can make or break any couple.

and all of that can be far more complicated and complex for someone with bpd, whom is trying to process complex things they dont yet have the skills to process.

and that it seems like she's just running away from a stressful interpersonal relationship and that is a hallmark of what she suffers from, she says I'm being manipulative

don't want to validate what I feel is a really bad, poorly thought-out decision.

theres an important distinction here.

you want to make it clear that a divorce is not your preference. that you love her, that you want the relationship to work.

suggesting though, that this may be a product of her disorder, is simply not going to go over, and i think you recognize that. additionally, leaning on her (having complex emotions that you try to work out by talking to her) in pretty much any way, is something i doubt that she has the emotional bandwidth right now to handle. as hard as it is, a partner who is in the process of, or has broken up with you, is not in a place to help us heal.

it may be that this is an impulsive move, and in her way, and in her time, she will come to see that. it almost certainly will not come as a result of you convincing her of that, and if you try, and she reneges, she will be getting back into the relationship for all the wrong reasons, and it will implode.

first and foremost, what she needs is for you to signal your acceptance and not fight it. first and foremost, what you need is threefold:

1. to process your hurts in a way that does not lean on her...do this here, with a professional, and with trusted loved ones.
2. to obtain legal counsel, and start sorting out your options. it would be a good idea to post on our Family Law/Legal board.
3. to learn the tools and get advice for the best way to put yourself in the best position for this to be saved, if possible.

[Scared2Lose]

Thank you for your response. As for number three, can I ask where is a good place to find those tools you mention?

[once removed]

the best place to find what youre going to need is the Lessons at the top of this board and here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

[Scared2Lose]

I have an appointment tomorrow with my wife and her DBT therapist that she's been working with for a few months. My wife still wants the divorce, and that's the premise under which I got her to agree to have this meeting with me. When my wife asked for the divorce, I reached out to her therapist because my wife has a history of withholding from those trying to help her, and because, based on our conversations with each other, I'm almost positive she's been giving her therapists a very distorted view of who I am and how I handle things.

At this point, I'm not entirely sure that the divorce is a bad thing. In a way it's a blessing because I'm not entirely sure that I'd be able to handle this for the long term. I love my wife, but throughout our marriage, after the love-bombing ended, she's shown a complete inability to accept responsibility for any of the problems, and an unwillingness to consider my perspective or feelings. That said, I'm very worried about her and the decisions she's making. She's latched on to people she was in inpatient treatment with, people she's known for, at most, a few weeks to a month. She's about to move to a town she's never lived, to an apartment with a roommate she's never met (AirBnB) to be closer to people she hardly knows. A decision I feel somewhat responsible for on account of the fact that I told her multiple times that if the roles were reversed, and I wanted out of the marriage, I would leave to give her time alone to figure out her next steps. What I meant was that I would leave and go stay with lifelong friends or family, not ideal, but it would be the least I could do considering I'm looking to end a lifelong commitment based on factors that have little or nothing to do with her. She has also completely changed her look (bleached eyebrows, shaved head) and is talking as if she is no longer the person she was. On the positive side, she's started to look for work again and is grocery shopping for herself, and handling the day-to-day life stuff that she couldn't bring herself to do prior to her diagnosis. However, I'm worried that all these changes are a facade, or an attempt to run away from things that cause her stress, rather than doing what I feel is the healthy thing to do, which is face these things down and work on her skills in dealing with them.

All of this is a long-winded way of asking, what's a good or appropriate way to bring up my concerns to the therapist while my wife is in on the session without triggering the wife's crazy reactions? This happens very quickly, and I now know that despite looking engaged and her insistence that she understands what's going on and what's being said, she very quickly dissociates and rarely remembers what was said or agreed to. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

[once removed]

All of this is a long-winded way of asking, what's a good or appropriate way to bring up my concerns to the therapist while my wife is in on the session without triggering the wife's crazy reactions?

it depends on what the goal is.

do you want to reconcile the relationship?

do you want to split up?

do you want to split up but help from a distance?

do you want validation for the role youve played in your marriage?

[Scared2Lose]

it depends on what the goal is.

do you want to reconcile the relationship?

I'm like 70 yes and 30 no on this. However she seems pretty adamant that she doesn't, so it's not my primary goal here.

do you want to split up?

I don't, but she does. I'm not in the business or habit of trying to convince someone to want to stay with me.

do you want to split up but help from a distance?

Yes, but only as much as is healthy. I think the thing is, is that we're getting a divorce, and she holds many of the financial cards (trust fund baby). Right now she says she wants to make sure that I end up OK, but there's nothing written down. She's about to go upstate for six months just to be closer to people she was in treatment with. I find that to be concerning. I'm sure these people are fine and good people, and I don't judge others for their struggles. But if she was in treatment for drug addiction, went to rehab, then latched on to all the people she was in rehab with, that would not be OK or healthy. Going to meetings and support groups together is great. Having coffee or seeing a movie, awesome. Divorcing your husband then moving an hour away to sleep on their couch then in an AirBNB with a male roommate you never met, not so much. I did tell her that if the roles were reversed and I wanted the divorce, I would've left the house, but I meant I'd go stay with a close friend who I've known for years, or family. I certainly wouldn't latch on to someone that I'd known for only two weeks.

do you want validation for the role youve played in your marriage?

Of course I do, but I don't think that's possible.

What I want is to make sure that her therapist knows her plans, that her therapist knows our marriage experience, who I am and how I've handled all of this from a perspective besides my wife's, and for her therapist to help me help my wife without triggering my wife's overreactivity.

[once removed]

you cant be all three things at once: trying to help your wife, trying to divorce your wife, and trying to reconcile with your wife.

well, emotionally speaking, you can be, but practically speaking, they are all three highly competing roles at the end of the day.

focus.

deep down, what is the ultimate priority?

[Scared2Lose]

The ultimate priority is to save the marriage. However, I don't think that's possible. She hasn't shown any indication of changing her mind in the two months since she declared her intentions. The secondary priority is to protect myself financially, and prevent my world from being blown up by something I have very little control over (her decision to end the marriage).

[once removed]

did the appointment happen? how did it go?

[Scared2Lose]

It happened. It went OK. She's still not budging. We were able to work out a tentative agreement where I keep the house, but that's largely dependent on how her parents react when she tells them about the divorce (which we agreed wouldn't happen for a while). I was able to voice my concerns to her therapist, but it was cold comfort indeed. I find it so weird that her team is allowing her to do what she's doing. I can't help but think part of their job is to keep her from making the same types of reactive decisions that have gotten her into trouble in the past.

She leaves tomorrow to go upstate for six months and I get to stay in the house. Now she's talking about leaving her pets with me (her cat she's had since before we met), cutting her parents out of her life, and getting an apartment with one of the people she was in treatment with. It's so clear how easily she abandons anything that even has the prospect of relying on her for people and things she hasn't known long enough for them to judge her.

I know I should be relieved. Prior to her stating her intentions, and coming home from treatment, I was beside myself with grief and stress over the prospect of dealing with this my whole life. And in that way, she's done me a favor. But it's still frustrating how she continues to act as if she's powerless to stop this. As if she didn't make this decision. In one breath she'll say she doesn't blame me, then in the next, she'll say how she has to do this, but there is no recognition of what the relationship meant to her, or that she's the one making this decision. If you want to leave, fine, but call it what it is for chrissakes. She seems content to believe she did everything she could, when I think anyone outside looking in would recognize that she deflected, projected, and gave up.

I've made it clear that the door is open for now, but that it won't always be. As soon as she leaves I'm going to pack up all her stuff and store it somewhere where I don't have to see it. Then I'll go from there.

[pursuingJoy]

You're in a tough place. 

The secondary priority is to protect myself financially, and prevent my world from being blown up by something I have very little control over (her decision to end the marriage).

In light of all that's taken place recently, what steps can you take to meet this goal? 

[Scared2Lose]

She's working with me for now. So we've made an outline of the agreement that we want to draft with a lawyer to invalidate the pre-nup her parents made us sign, and she's tracking down a lawyer to have them draft it up. I've asked her to email me the outline so I have some record of it. I get to stay in the house for at least six months. Hopefully, during that time, and from a distance, we'll be able to work out the nitty-gritty. I'll say, and I've been honest with her to this point, I'm afraid that she could change her mind at any time if things get too hard for her. She's already tried to back out more than once.
 

[B53]

I really feel your pain. I joined this group today and wrote my first post. I’m the one who’s BF just broke up with me. Like you I’m feeling devastated, though there is a part of me that feels he did me a favor, but right now that isn’t easing my pain. I feel like the relationship was all so one sided. It does seem like she is behaving very impulsively. Her therapist isn’t going to share a lot because legally she can’t, so it’s hard to know what is really going on. I’m not sure that anything you say is going to get through to her, she is driving the bus. Right now I feel like it hurts just to breathe. It’s hard to think ahead. I’m much older than you and I know for sure, that there is a time of happiness in our future, even if we can’t feel it now. Time does heal pain. You’re still young and sound like such a caring and loving man. Their is someone out there who will give you back the love you deserve. Try to take care of yourself. You have six months to make plans.  As is often said, take one step at a time. Who ever said that life is fair. I wish you well.

[pursuingJoy]

Scared2Lose, there's a great family law board here that might offer more guidance on some of this. You might want to check them out.