Is there anyone out there?

[Glammy]

My 35-year-old daughter was recently - FINALLY! - diagnosed with BPD.   She’s the youngest of 3 girls,  and we’ve struggled with her issues her whole life.  Even as an infant, she was intense, anxious, and emotionally brittle.   I have spent fortunes on therapists, with little or no benefits for her OR me.  Her diagnosis came just as the COVID lockdown began, and resulted in a “perfect storm” of job and relationship losses for her.  With her talking of suicide, we opted, (on the advice of the most recent therapist, whom she subsequently fired,) for a stay in a local public psychiatric facility.  It was a snake pit.  All we learned from that experience is that she won’t
 talk about suicidal ideation again for fear of landing in that hellhole. 
She can’t get anyone to prescribe anti-anxiety meds, so she uses marijuana, even though she has CHS and it lands her in the ER with intractable nausea and vomiting on a regular basis.  (She is uninsured and will NEVER be able to pay the astronomical hospital bills she has accumulated.). 
I am married to a saint.  (Her stepfather.  Her father has severe issues of his own and has been waaayy out of the picture since she was a young teen.)  I honestly don’t know how my husband tolerates the level of dysfunction we are forced to live with.  She doesn’t work, sleeps until mid afternoon, and contributes nothing in terms of household help, much less paying a little towards groceries, etc.  (I have begged, pleaded, negotiated...nothing changes.). We are not wealthy people..  My husband and I are both in our 70s, retired and living on a fixed income. 
This is what keeps me awake at night:  What’s going to happen to her when I’m gone?  There won’t be any sizeable inheritance for her to live on.  All I can picture is my baby girl living on the street. 
Even now, as my husband is confronting some debilitating health issues, (and we BOTH are terrified of COVID-19,) I would give anything to have her give US a tiny bit of support, instead of leaning ever more heavily on us.
I’m hoping there’s someone out there who at least understands my dilemma.  I have no one to talk to.  It all sounds so bizarre to most people, and I wind up feeling like the most incompetent, enabling mother of all time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Yes, Glammy, there is someone out there...lots of us...all welcoming you.

I, too, am well into my 70's so I know of your anxiety as you deal with such overwhelming problems concerning your troubled child.

You are so right when you say your story sounds so bizarre to most people.  Bottom line...it is!  Unless they walk in similar shoes, they have no idea.  That is why joining in on this forum a few years ago was so comforting to me.   Before that, if the overwhelming need came for me to unload to someone, I was more than likely met with their silence.  They just didn't know what to say...so they said nothing...and that hurt even more.  I needed to be heard...to have my feelings validated.

Covid has thrown a wrench into so many things.  Seems your daughter is one of the many who have lost jobs because of it and now she is relying on you.  In the best of times different steps could be taken...different boundaries set.   With that said, think of babysteps now with boundaries, be it assigned jobs in the house...anything for starters.  If she refuses to pay for any groceries perhaps some of her favourite foodstuffs could be left off the grocery list.  Oh so easy for me to say, I know.

It is good to read that you have such a supportive husband.  Are your other 2 daughters of any support to you?

Often I have written that coming to this forum was a game-changer for me.  Of course, it was ME who had to do the work in making changes but I would pour out my heart and my hurts and someone would post and acknowledge me...my feelings validated.  I needed hugs and I got them.

My story with our daughter is not playing out the way I would have wanted...but I am better able to live with what is...IS...and despite that and all the restrictions with Covid, I am living life with more smiles on my face.  Let's just say I am a work-in-progress.

Once again, Glammy, I so welcome you here.  As you tread water, hold on here as us being your life-raft.

((HUGS)    from one older Mom to another...

Huat

[formflier]

  It all sounds so bizarre to most people, and I wind up feeling like the most incompetent, enabling mother of all time.

Yes..there are people "out there" and we are right here!  You have found us.

How do you feel about "finally" having a diagnosis?  Had you suspected BPD for a while?  What do you think was the "key" to getting a diagnosis?


I certainly want to learn more about your story before offering any advice.

It would seem you have had therapists advise you.  Is that right?  What kind of advice have you gotten and how did it work out?

I'm curious  to learn more about this feeling of being an "enabling mom".   Can you tell me more?

You have found a group of safe people that "get it".  Looking forward to getting to know you.

Best,

FF

[Sancho]

Hi Glammy. I am around that age group too, so understand the anxiety about 'what if' when clearly a loved one doesn't show any sign of being able to take responsibility for the things one has to as an independent adult. As you get older you feel your time is running out and you can't see any progress towards independence.

I am not sure what your situation is other than you are on a fixed income. If you own your own home and want to secure this in some way for your daughter there are options that support this. For example you can leave your daughter a life interest in your home, which means that she would have a roof over her head for her lifetime.

My DD is really unable to care for a home and she forms relationships with people who will use every $$ she has then move on. So I have made a will which takes this into account. As far as income goes, the connection with mental health professionals would mean that she would be eligible for a fixed income perhaps?

Not knowing your circumstances it is hard to comment on what the options are for you, but I just wanted to let you know that this problem is one that we all face as we get older - and it is not easy!

[HurtBrooklyn]

Hi, Glammy:  I think I understand how you feel. I have a daughter in her 40's who exhibits traits of BPD and has for years, which has hurt both us and our whole family. It's such a struggle when your dear child seems so lost, angry, and unhappy. I don't have advice to offer - I'm really new to this support group, which is helping me to find a path through this. I have received so much support from these folks. You are not alone. Many people are involved in very difficult family situations. I hope you can find ways to take care of yourself. Come back to the group soon.

[beatricex]

HurtBrooklyn,
How are you feeling today?  Did you find some peace knowing you're not alone?

6 years old is certainly old enough to have memories, and old enough to remember later.  I'm glad you are still trying despite the comments (the stuff you send is "crap").  I'm sure your grandson doesn't think so ;)

With a borderline you have to ignore a lot of bad behavior just to get scraps, it seems.  I can really sense you're hurting and want more, just a little bit of info about what's going on, maybe?.  It is very admirable of you.  I'm glad you're here.

B

[HurtBrooklyn]

Dear Beatricex:

Thanks so much for your kind email. I really appreciate hearing from other parents. It's still so difficult. My daughter is also keeping me from my six-year old grandson. This is the first Halloween I didn't spend with him. Next week is my daughter's birthday. She said not to contact her and that I send her crap so don't send anything.

Reading these emails really helps because now I feel like I'm not alone with this kind of a struggle. I need to find out how to maintain my peace of mind ...

Thanks for reaching out.