Please help

[Stressed out 78]

Hi All,

My Daughter is 23 and recently diagnosed as emotionally unstable personallity disorder.
To explain how she is , is a very long story but i will try to give a brief insight .

Our daughter does not talk at all, if you try to talk to her she just nods and agrees, she drinks too much, she takes drugs, she takes a lot of prescription drugs. she lies to us all the time . She has 5 times now ended up in A&E for overdoses the most rescent time a month ago which is when mental health told me her diagnosis.

we had a plan that she needed to distance herself from people that encourage her to drink or take drugs and she agrees but within a day is back with them.

i found out saturday she had taken a loan for £3000 with an 85% interest rate i have managed to call that company and cancel it with the agreement from my daughter that she pays us back. im not overly optimistic .
At 7 she told me she was going for a walk with a friend but now at 12.30 she is not home she has popped to friends house were she is drinking and probably taking drugs whilst i am sitting here stressing about paying this money back.

Does it get any better ? I am literally so stressed out , shes secretive, doesnt tell us anything about her life , we always find out bad stuff from other people, i sometimes feel like her suicide attempts are punishment ? and live in fear of her doing it again ?

she says she taking her medication but heavily drinks on it . she not keeping up with her mental health appointments, her behaviour is becoming riskier .

I have a husband and 2 other children in the house and i just find since she moved back in 5 weeks ago its all about her and it effecting everyone in my house because you just never know whats coming next.

sorry just needed to Rant 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hopetoo]

Many people on this site share your angst.  Having adult children with emotional disorders is exhausting.  Accepting that their mental health is not our fault is challenging. Accepting that their diagnosis is not an excuse to abuse and take advantage of others is also difficult.  Many times I found myself justifying bad behavior and excusing it away because my son is emotionally dysregulated.

Self care is critical and very hard to do if you are empathetic, a caregiver, and a responsible person. I was putting so much energy into rescuing my son that I had little left to care for myself.  I also bought into what I saw as societal pressure to "fix" my son because I am his mom.  I also bought into the blame that was hurdle my way.  I had to seek help with my own guilt and embarrassment.  You will find very helpful information here about self care. There are lots of stories about how hard it is .
Breaking the cycle of taking responsibility for our children's choices takes time and a willingness to bear the discomfort of watching someone we love suffer.  We would rather suffer ourselves than see our child suffer; however, change cannot occur if the person who can fix their problems isn't put in a position to have to. Sometimes we think our children can't fix their own messes but think about what they would do if you were not alive.  How would they get their needs met?

For me I was so concerned about being "selfish" I didn't think I should care for me first; however, when I finally gave it a try, I liked it.  I also liked setting boundaries. I first had to decide what my boundaries are.  That took me months.  It took me two years to accept that I needed to change and to stop rescuing my son.

I stopped racing over to my son's house at 3am because he was having a panic attack.  I stopped paying for his bills because he spent his money on cigarettes and drugs.  I stopped doing anything that he was capable of doing himself.  It didn't have a happy ending. He was and still is mad at me. He didn't like my boundaries and choices. He isn't at all happy about having to be fully responsible for his behavior and life choices.  I stopped making excuses; I stopped playing the victim and decided to make decisions to protect my self physically, mentally, and financially.  My son, like your daughter, is responsible for his own mental health.  I had to get over feeling like I was created his pain if I did not help relieve it. 

I hope you will read more personal stories and review the materials on this site and be encouraged. Self care and boundaries are not selfish. They are essential to good mental health. You are not turning your back on your child.  You are setting an example.