Husband with BPD traits

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I’ve researched many sites, read many books and have had counseling. The biggest problem I have is setting boundaries. My husband I believe, had BPD. One minute he treats me like his best friend and then his worst enemy. I don’t know if something in him gets triggered but it happens when I’m thrown off guard! What do I do and are there any signs to tell if this may happen that sets off an explosive bomb that I need to watch for?

[Karzoopa]

Hi, I’ve researched many sites, read many books and have had counseling. The biggest problem I have is setting boundaries. My husband I believe, had BPD. One minute he treats me like his best friend and then his worst enemy. I don’t know if something in him gets triggered but it happens when I’m thrown off guard! What do I do and are there any signs to tell if this may happen that sets off an explosive bomb that I need to watch for?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inside]

Sounds like he’s the one in need of counseling, has he received any?  You say he “had BPD,” did you mean has? 

As I’m no doubt rusty with the terminology, what I found is they’ll shove away if feeling too attached, as if they’re being smothered by the r/s.  As that can happen during the best of times, there’s little we on the receiving end can do to stop it.  If we reassure them, or hold tighter, they struggle harder to get free, often forcing unnecessary conflicts in order to make their temporary escape.   

Yes, temporary; they always come back.  What they’ve done in the meantime needs to be determined, though. 

I’d determine if he’s willing to seek therapy.  BPD is difficult to find treatment for, though.  Not sure if you share children with him.  If not, my boundaries would firm up, and an escape plan would form.  If there are children, I’d push as hard as possible that he seek assessment and a form of treatment.