She left 3 years ago and I’m still in so much pain...

[Sontag]

I've spent my life holding out for that truly extraordinary person and as a result, I’m now in my mid-40’s and haven't had many relationships. I’ve always had a very meaningful life, with a lot of love and loss, but for the most part I’ve been really fortunate. Even though I connect with people relatively easily I’ve also spent the vast majority of my life alone.

I appreciate depth and intensity and connection with people, but had never really met anyone whose intensity and focus on things that really matter matched my own. Until her. We met online and with nothing to lose and no expectations, we bared our souls in long letters and over the Web. She had just emerged from a long term relationship. Because of the timing of her breakup - she was still living with her former partner but said that it was an amicable divorce and she would be moving imminently - I was very hesitant to jump into a relationship with her.

Although I was beginning to feel deeply in love with her with a depth and intensity that I had never experienced before, I feared that I would be the rebound and therefore encouraged her to date other people and maybe one day consider me in the future. She, on the other hand, wanted to connect and commit. She spent a lot of time convincing me that neither of us would find something this rare again.
and we embarked on this sublime adventure and for many years, there was never a time when I wasn’t genuinely excited to see her.

She was in education and her ability to take in information was truly astounding. She was brilliant, and fascinating, and incredibly sweet. The first two years were amazing. And for the following 9 years, I never waivered in my love for her.

At the end of the second year, she began to change. She was always studying me, watching, and commenting on it. It was completely unnerving. It was so awkward that  over time, my friends and family no longer wanted to be around us when we were together.

It became very isolating for me, and she then focused on criticizing and complaining about my commitment to my work. The next target for removal was my best friend. While I must sound like a complete pushover, in my defense her argumentation and rationale were always so articulate, well argued and had phenomenal psychotherapeutic rationale as well. She was also always diagnosing me with mental illnesses. So I’d go to a psychiatrist and ask...am I? And the psychiatrist would say, “Go tell your partner to quit diagnosing you!” I’m no slouch but she seemed to know a lot about everything. In depth. And she’d study any related topic to give her that edge. Seriously- she would get into medical arguments with heart surgeons and hold her own.

In addition to isolating me, she began to severely criticize me, most often in front of other people. I found myself having to apologize for her to my friends or professional colleagues, who were shocked at the fact that I was the one being hurt and humiliated and yet apologized for her. Because she did not have friends, we were often around mine, and frequently in professional settings. Those occasions were her favorite time to cut me down in mid sentence, making everyone extremely uncomfortable. So I would try to make myself less to give her room to be more. And professional colleagues would wonder why I had changed so dramatically.

We were both afraid to break up because we both so strongly believed that we would never find the depth of our connection again. We talked about it, frequently, at length, and it was mutual. And then one day, she left, saying that although she loved me deeply, I was unable to meet her needs. I found out a year later that she had already been in a new relationship before breaking up with me. But ultimately, she ghosted me. No closure. We had regarded each other as the love of our lives and yet suddenly I ceased to exist for her and my request for the basic decency of giving back things that were kept at our mutual homes was met with complete silence. It was excruciatingly painful.

We had a final therapy appointment the following day, which was her “gift of closure to me”. One hour, say everything and forever hold your peace. I don’t even remember the session.

We spoke briefly a couple more times that week, and five days later I got an email that just said, “our relationship is over and we're done. No more communication." And in fact, I've never heard from her again.

Throughout the relationship I was aware that she was a narcissist. It never occurred to me until a few months ago that she was borderline. Our couples counselor told me. I’ve wanted closure so much and when I realized that my former partner was never going to speak to me again I spoke to that therapist. We talked about how naive i was, and my need to deal with codependency and abuse. At one point I said to the therapist, “gosh, I thought that I was formidable and could hold my own but I was no match for her”. The therapist, who saw us for 6 months said, “hey, no one is a match for a borderline”. I’m so overwhelmed by the psychological damage, on top of the grief and sadness of losing this person that I had thought was the love of my life, and someone who once felt that mutually. She suddenly split, and the person I knew is gone. Forever. So I’ve been trying to learn about BPD and not continue to blame myself, as well as gain some closure in her absence. But considering how much it still hurts - I just don’t talk about it anymore - I’m worried about my own mental health and feel very ashamed that I haven’t been able to let it go.

The pain and grief is not about the fact that we needed to break up, it’s the way in which I was treated - as though I suddenly had meant absolutely nothing. I’m really sorry that this is so ridiculously long and hope that you all will forgive me for being self absorbed. I just need to let it out in what I hope is a safe place. Does her behavior seem borderline to you? Is this consistent with other experiences? Is this normal? Or am I the crazy one?

[Goosey]

Thank you for Sharing so articulately your feelings and experience. I have no advice I am useless to myself and others due to very similar (eerily so) circumstances. I just want to let you know I understand your frame of mind at this juncture.
  Wish I could give advice on how to move on. How to clear the mind of all the ruminations. Really really wish I had that knowledge.

[Baglady]

Hi Sontag   

I can relate to a lot of what you have written.  (in a nutshell - my exBPDh had a psychotic break after 21 years of marriage (27 year relationship). Over the span of several weeks, he split me black, verbally raged at me for days at a time, assaulted me (I had to hide out in a hotel for a week from him).  He cleaned out thousands out of joint bank account, started using drugs, started engaging in pretty out-there new sex-positive group activities, bought new clothes and primped himself in front of me and my child unbeknown to us for a date with a 24 year old. All this occurred in a matter of weeks, while we were still in emergency marriage counseling (which cost more thousands) and while he was insisting on either an open marriage or divorce.  We divorced in 3 months and 5 weeks after moving out, while I literally was still picking up my jaw of the floor and felt like I had been hit over the head with a two-by-four, he was juggling two girlfriends and "had fallen in love".  I had never even heard about personality disorders prior to all of this.  Never occurred to me that my ex had a mental illness because he was relatively high-functioning (although many questionable behaviors that I tolerated make sense now in hindsight).

Yes - lining up the next victim before "disposing" of the first is classic BPD behavior.  I use that word purposefully because I felt like I was discarded like an unwanted piece of trash after 27 years of unwavering love and loyalty.  I'm sure I wasn't a perfect partner but nothing I did warranted the callousness that my ex dished out to me when he abandoned the marriage.

I'm a little over two years out now and I do feel like I'm getting stronger day by day but it's a very two steps forward, one step back progression.  I resent that it's taking so long to recover particularly as I'm now aware that my ex, regardless of his mental illness, is simply a person with a severe empathy deficit and completely lacking in moral character.  A person that I typically wouldn't bother to give the time of day under typical circumstances.  I really resent that I gave almost 3 decades of my life to him and that I'm STILL wrestling with the fallout.  He's gone, seemingly blissfully, on with his life and has had multiple relationships (some overlapping) while I still struggle to get out of bed on some mornings.

I don't know what to tell you, Sontag, other than sadly you are far from alone in your feelings and maybe we should try to give grace to ourselves.  I guess recovery is going to take as long as it's going to take.

My best to you 

Warmly,
B

[Rev]

Hi Sontag,

Boy - thanks for your courage in sharing all of that. Must have taken some courage, but I hope you feel lighter.  And I hope you have some clarity.

There are some similarities in it all - at least from my POV as a man who lived some similar humiliating times.

Tell me ... Has anybody suggested to you that you are victim of domestic abuse?  And how do you react to the question here.

The reason why I want to ask this now is that your answer will help me ask the next question.

In the meantime, as others have said, these things really do hurt and there is no pat schedule for getting through this. Different for each one of us. None of us is happy about it, but all of us are glad that we found this place.

Welcome.  One day, you will pay this forward to the next person searching for tough answers.

Hang in there.

Rev

[BobsBurger]

Hey, if it's any consolation there's many people here who feel the same way here. Ive been out of it for well over 2 years now and I still have complicated feelings towards her and it's still hugely affecting my ability to have successful new relationships due to both fear of intimacy and being trained to adore this one problematic person.

I'm also a little older and that has a bit of an impact in itself since it's harder to start again when you're not in the prime of your life (whatever that means) and it feels like time to meet someone with a true connection has run out.

My ex moved on immediately and had a kid with a new guy... Which in some ways makes me sad but then I also remember the insanity that is being in a relationship with someone like this and how hard it will inevitably be for her new guy (whose likely on borrowed time) and the poor kid who has no escape.

All I can say is decide what you would want if this wasn't holding you back and try take the steps to achieve that no matter how hard.

[Sontag]

It’s been 4 months since that last post and I’m still trying to find solace. It doesn’t bother me every day, only in the silence.

[momtara]

I understand how you feel. I was a very nerdy kid. There was a lot in my head and heart, but I didn't say much. It took me a while to date, and then I was looking for someone with a lot of passion and sense of humor, but also kindness. Intelligence was important too, so I was alone a while. My ex told me when he met me that his anxiety disorder had pushed away his other girlfriends. I figured they were just not mature enough to handle it, and felt grateful for him. When his personality turned from sweet to raging, I blamed myself and my inexperience. I said maybe I was so nerdy that I didn't realize how to compromise in relationships, even though I did. He would be nice for a while and we got along great, and he was smart and sweet a lot of the time, then would turn angry and controlling for several days in a row. It took me years to get over it, but for the most part I don't think about it now, except that it's such a shame that because of a disease, the terrible parts of these folks have to ruin the good. If only they could be their "other" selves consistently, right? Anyway, I'm sorry it's so hard to get over your ex and how you felt when you were with her, and I get it. There's no time limit. You should meet someone who appreciates you just as much, admires your best qualities, without being cruel. But it's not that simple. Have decent standards, look for true love, but try to avoid the nuttiness.

As for lining up the next person/couple, these people don't change. She will eventually leave them too, or be left. A lot of people on here are saddened because their ex goes on to someone new so easily, but they really don't change.

[B53]

Reading this makes me feel so sad for all of you. No one deserves this kind of abuse!

Sontag,
I have noticed that a lot of therapist that specialize in BPD, also specialize in other mood disorders, PTSD and abuse. I think a therapist with these specialities could be very helpful for you. You are suffering from abuse and probably PTSD and someone familiar with BPD would understand that type of abuse. It sounds like you are depressed ( which I am familiar with) and that should be addressed first because you can’t possibly start to put things in perspective in that condition. My ex husband (not BPD) was abusive. After I started on antidepressants, all of a sudden one day, it seemed like the sun came out and I was able to get a grip on what I needed to do. Fast forward, I just got out of a 2year relationship with a BPD. I’m suffering and I’m sad and are struggling at the moment. In the past I have had 5 years of great counseling and attended a codependency group. Because of this, I am sad, but not hopeless and know that I’ll be ok and love again. You have a lot more years ahead of you to find healthy love. I’m 67 and I still have hope. I can’t  imagine going through this without having that past support to fall back on.

I have been through my share of breakups and these are some of the things I do to try to feel better. I look for anything I can that will change my focus to feel better and empower myself. I watch Ted talks about people who have overcome difficult experiences. I listen to podcasts of how to get over breakups and I just ordered a book about grieving. We need to grieve our loss. I think this can actually be worse than death because these people are still alive and continue to destroy anyone in their path. I think what is holding me back at the moment is that these people have a mental disorder and they are not doing this to ruin us. They are just running around trying to make the pain they live with go away. None of this is about us. We are just collateral damage. Though, I think if I had been through what some of the people on this site have, I would no longer have empathy for them.
I particularly like Berne Brown’s Ted talk on vulnerability and her Netflix show Call to Courage.
In the past I have joined, in person support groups like CODA, but unfortunately COVID makes that impossible. When you go to groups like that, you meet people going through similar struggles and you make friends. You can check up on each other, cry on each other’s shoulders, have lunch. Friends are great, but they don’t understand your pain. And of course continue to post on here! Eventually, one day I will wake up and say, I deserve better! Why in the world am I putting my love and happiness in the hands of another person! It’s a process. Just writing this is making me feel better.
Good luck, I’ll be cheering for you.