After Less than Two Months at Home ...

[Vell55]

My adult daughter (age 24) moved home because her lease was ending and I needed to be removed from the financial burden of rent and supporting her. All of us (husband, daughter, me) had hoped that a year of school full-time would allow her to focus and earn an associate’s degree. That did not happen, and there was no transition to stable work either part-time or full-time to help support or fully support herself. (Prior to that she lived away from home with a series of roommates; those relationships all ended badly and she has not contact with any of them anymore.)

The first week home, there was some emotional blow up every day — usually of the I-hate-you-you-are-controlling-me sort over basic cleanliness of space and person and marijuana smells in the house. She managed to get a 35-hour a week job (a wonderful opportunity doing work she likes — document design, photography). I work from home with COVID, so there were two weeks of peaceful and quiet days.

On weekends, she started having a boyfriend she’s been seeing for almost a year over for a night. He’s show up, they’d stay in a small room coming out only to get fast food to take back in. They’d sleep in until 1 or 2 p.m. the next day, he’d leave, she’d sleep the next day. I encouraged them/her to get outdoors, to leave the room. She and my husband had tense words while the boyfriend was over. We all agreed (turns out maybe only I agreed) to have a conversation about parameters and common understandings as soon as possible.

On Monday, I cleaned up the mess in our guest room (her room) while she was at work to avoid smells and bugs; on Tuesday, I washed her sheets and blanket and made the bed. (I agreed to stay out of the room as long as it was sort of clean.)

Tuesday night (last night) after work was another blow up with screaming and yelling. She is an adult, and she can do whatever she wants to do with her days off. Stay out of her room. I have no right to control her; she hates my husband. Husband set an ultimatum — boyfriend can’t spend the night then stay cooped up with her in the room all day long “like this is a hotel room.” The script that has been rolling since adolescence played. Daughter says she is taking her “essentials” and going to live in her car since we are such “assholes,” and since my husband is a “psycho.”

She ran out of medication three days ago, I think. From what I gather, it’s always a last-minute call to the doctor for a refill, and the doctor has to “see” her at certain intervals to refill.

After she left (don’t know where she went) I texted this: “ Best not to put yourself in harm’s way or to be cold, and you want to ensure you perform well on the job. You are always welcome to come home. Nothing will be easy, but it will be worthwhile. You will get to the point where you have complete independence and control of your life — as much as any of us do.”

Her response: “ You are my only parent hello it’s your house and your know damn well I have never cared what he thought. I’m just not participating anymore. Sorry mom I’m done”

Since she has moved home, her standard  line is that the home my husband and I purchased three years ago is my home and I need to make the final decisions since I’m her parent. (My husband has been her stepfather since 2011). Of course, if I agree with my spouse, I am betraying her and never have been on her side.

Nothing changes. I worry that my daughter will use the home drama and homeless (for a night because she left, but I know the deal) card as an excuse and lose one of the best jobs she’s ever had without even one paycheck earned.

I don’t plan on reaching out today.

So it’s only been a couple of months since she moved in, and NOT ONE day of a normal life. Not one day without some struggle. While I worry about her safety, all I can do is let her know she will always have a roof over her head and food to eat. What I wouldn’t give for just normal.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

So sorry for all of you. I’m sure your worry is at top speed. Hopefully she will reach out. You’ve done all you can. Those words.  If only we could have one normal day. All of us on these boards said those words millions of times. One minute at a time.  Sending hugs. 

[beatricex]

Hi Vell55,
I feel your pain and frustration and worry. 

Remember that your daughter with BPD is splittling.  As non borderlines, we must detach from this splitting cycle for our own protection. Interactions with our BPD'd daughters must become transactional, rather than us "hoping one day our daughters will act like a normal people." 

I get the "why can't we have a normal ________" [day, week, year, holiday, fill in the blank]  I get it, and i'm trying to LET IT GOoo

What I'm doing is trying to detach from the chaos and drama, and also remembering that trying to hang in there to rescue my borderline can't and won't work.  She needs to find her own way.

 

b

[Vell55]

Thanks you to both of you for the replies. I really appreciate them.

And today she texts me that she wants me to meet her at lunch time and fill up her gas tank because she used the gas to stay warm last night. (My guess is not.) I loaned her $100 last week. So today, I told her she could come home and sleep in a bed and I'd give her a lift to and from work until payday on Friday.

I hear you about the transactional nature of communication. Trying to move into anything beyond her needs is not possible.