New to this...

[iwashere]

My first post and saying hello.

I’ve been married to the same person all of my adult life. We have children that are all grown and out on their own now. I have so much to say about this conflict in our relationship, and how it has developed. I have stopped and restarted this post several times and I find myself starting to type about something and then backing up and saying no, that’s sharing too much right now and then starting to type another idea that rambles on even more. So I’ll back up and try to say how this journey started and where I am today.

A few years ago I was told by our therapist that my spouse has BPD. We talked about the difining criteria and my significant other hits them all. At that point, I started learning what I could about BPD and coping with it in our relationship was relatively easy as long as I was able to remember not to argue or assign blame when she would start to get upset.

Fast forward to present day. Over the last several months the devaluing of me, the rage, the threats, and the distortion campaigns are an almost daily occurrence. The rage now escalates to violence and destruction if I don’t leave the room. She used to be repulsed by the idea of hitting a family member and now she feels like it is a deserved and appropriate response when I don’t share her opinion. Other than the name of BPD, her medical doctor seems oblivious to what it is. He tells her that he doesn’t think she has it and just needs an antidepressant, which she refuses to take. Neither she, nor he will let me talk to him about what is going on with her. Her friends don’t know what is happening with her behind the scenes. They call me when she is telling them she wants to die.They tell me I’m misunderstanding her and she just needs a hug and someone to listen and it will all go away. It is so frustrating how little people understand or will listen to what is happening.

A few years ago, we would go a few months with a day or less of being angry in between. It has slowly progressed to the point where we now go for up to two weeks of continuous rage with a couple of days of peace in between.

We are at the point where she tries to convince me on a regular basis that I should divorce her. There was a big loss and trauma in her younger life, so it makes sense that she is trying to push me away to keep from feeling the loss of me leaving her on my own.

Then the rage subsides, I look into her eyes or hold her hand, my heart melts, and I remember how much in love with her I am, which I have been all of my adult life. And then something happens in life or a conversation comes up that doesn’t sit right and the dance starts all over again.

So hello!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Hey, Iwas here, welcome to the family! I am sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.  Dont worry, we have all been there. It seems the combination of Coronavirus and holidays have increased stress levels of our loved ones to unbearable. 
Have there been other recent stressors in your life besides the obvious ones?
It sounds like you two were in therapy. Are you still under the care of a therapist ?
Suicide threats must be taken seriously and reported to a mental health professional asap. While a good support network is crucial, this is way too much for you to handle on your own.

Is your wife displaying symptoms of menopause? Trust me, menopausal rages can look like BPD she should try some red clover tea and chaste berry to see if it helps.
We are here for you, browse the lessons above and other posts, and learn ways to a more peaceful home.