Seem to be loosing

[Dontknowhow]

Hello,

Just finding these places and really could use the crash course. I am not ready to just let go or give up. I met my wife years ago. We kind of hung out, she was involved and as time passed we connected. We got married and I thought this was going to be so great and lasting. A few years in we got the diagnosis of BPD for my wife, best friend and so much more. She was told about a steps program. She didn't do it, I tried to nudge her oh so gently.
Slide forward and we have fallen so far apart. I had done some research on BPD. Thought I knew boy was I wrong and did not stay with the knowledge I had though probably would not have been enough.
So now I know they remember what they feel, maybe not as fact-based as people believe they remember. I lied got caught in the lie and repeat. How dumb can one be. Now I recall many days of being just, tore open, for so many different reasons. I truly wished I had been keeping a diary the once loved husband kind sweet gentleman etc is now the opposite. I would like to have some black and white ( not from her) for me to know when it first started.  We never really fought things were good. She admitted to her condition. Covid didn't help. Now she seems to stand fast on it was all me I am a "Gaslighter" and used her mental health against her.
Never foresaw this happening when we bought a home we used both incomes, credit. She is Native American, I am not after qualifying and finding a home on the day of signing I was removed. Never worried about it now I am she says she is selling and we are separating. I don't want this. Spoke with a lawyer they say file for divorce to stop her from selling marital assets. So many losing my love and home.
So there are some other spending habits she has I just found. She always seemed too sweet to do any of this.
Are BPD people cold and calculated could this have been going on for a long time and planned in some fashion?

Finding what I can Hope I am not too late.

Homeless in SD, Maybe

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey DKH-

I am so so sorry for the pain and confusion you’re experiencing.  I did see your other post, and I believe the reasons for delayed responses these days may be that many of our more seasoned members are tied up in their complex relationships; while many new members have suddenly joined as their BPD partners have become more sensitized as the Covid days have worn on... this pandemic has drained and stressed all of us.  NOTHING is easy these days...

At any rate, my suggestion for you right now is to handle the house issue first - try and get with a family law practice that is familiar with “high conflict” situations.  We have a Family Law Board, and you may want to move this post there - many knowledgeable and very active people there.

After you get yourself into a better position regarding your home (so you don’t get burned), you can take steps to work on bettering your relationship if that’s your goal.

You DID ask if BPD people are “cold and calculated”... and I’m guessing you’re wondering whether her plan all along was to get you to buy into the house only for HER to sell and reap YOUR half of the profit.  Is that correct?

Well maybe so, maybe not.  And the answer to that wouldn’t necessarily be Disorder-based.  Or maybe it is.  Both my exH and my exBF had very strong NPD traits, in addition to BPD (I came to understand through lots of pain).  With my exBF, I was pretty “functional” to him, and that was a painful and expensive lesson.  And so was my marriage.

I do understand how much this hurts, but “Giving” everything to a Disordered person earns you neither their love, their gratitude nor their respect.  Take my word for that.  And even worse - you will have trouble forgiving yourself if you roll over and play dead when a partner really plays that filthy game of trying to bleed you dry.

Please stay with us.  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes