I’ve been painted black

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been posting over in the board trying to salvage my marriage to my uBPDw and have a question for all of you that are making it with your SO.  I’ve been with my wife off and on for the past 9 years.  The past 4 1/2 years were really good and consistent until last 15 mths when we broke up for a couple mths. After we got back together it seemed that must have triggered her abandonment fears.  I’d say that the last 6 mths started getting tough and she started to paint me black.  I guess I went all black starting in September and she left October 2nd.  I haven’t seen her since.  She has blocked me and filed for divorce.  I really love my wife and want to reconcile.  Will she ever see me as white again or is all hope lost?

[WorriedHusband]

I’ve been posting over in the board trying to salvage my marriage to my uBPDw and have a question for all of you that are making it with your SO.  I’ve been with my wife off and on for the past 9 years.  The past 4 1/2 years were really good and consistent until last 15 mths when we broke up for a couple mths. After we got back together it seemed that must have triggered her abandonment fears.  I’d say that the last 6 mths started getting tough and she started to paint me black.  I guess I went all black starting in September and she left October 2nd.  I haven’t seen her since.  She has blocked me and filed for divorce.  I really love my wife and want to reconcile.  Will she ever see me as white again or is all hope lost?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  Will she ever see me as white again or is all hope lost?

One thing that appears consistent with this disorder is changing feelings, recycle attempts...whatever you want to call it.

So..it's possible she will be open to more closeness yet again.  If that is something that you are interested in, I would encourage you to learn a lot more about the disorder and ways you can contribute to less emotional swings.

What does "painted black" look like in your case?

 

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

One thing that appears consistent with this disorder is changing feelings, recycle attempts...whatever you want to call it.

So..it's possible she will be open to more closeness yet again.  If that is something that you are interested in, I would encourage you to learn a lot more about the disorder and ways you can contribute to less emotional swings.

What does "painted black" look like in your case?

 

Best,

FF

I love her dearly and want her back.  I just recently learned about BPD.  If only I had know I could have handled so many things so differently.   With my wife, she split me black and what that looks like now I can only say must be hatred.  I didn’t realize it but the 2 weeks before she left she was calling out for help I didn’t realize it. I didn’t realize she had BPD so I would respond how I would to a non BPD.  My wife and I moved here August 1st  for work. She hated it here. She hated her job.  I was the blame for all of it.  She baited me into a fight one night then left.  Now she is telling people I was cheating so she left me

[WorriedHusband]

Any advice on this FormFlier?  I'm really lost right now and will admit that mentally I am not doing well It will have been 6 weeks on Friday since she left

[formflier]

Yes.

Be extra kind to yourself over the next few days.

Seriously...find several new things for self care and pamper yourself.

It may very well be that you figure out if "I had only known" or "only done" that things could be different.  Don't beat yourself up over it...remember for the future and "do better next time".

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

Yes.

Be extra kind to yourself over the next few days.

Seriously...find several new things for self care and pamper yourself.

It may very well be that you figure out if "I had only known" or "only done" that things could be different.  Don't beat yourself up over it...remember for the future and "do better next time".

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

I’ve been doing hours upon hours of research daily about this and have been beating myself up for the past 2 weeks.  I didn’t figure it out until I went to a therapist 2 weeks ago. I was in my 1st session for 4 hours.  After being in there for about 2-3 hours he opened up the dsm5 to the BPD page.  At that moment it all made sense.

If I had only known sooner things would be so differently.  I have handled things wrong with her for 9 years.  I know I can’t change how I handled things, but now I know how to and I’m afraid it’s too late.  I have lost not just my wife but also my best friend and my support. 

I am now not sure how to get her attention to talk to me.  If I chase her will it drive her away?  If I don’t talk to her soon will she forget about me?  Do I start sending her flowers and gifts each day?   I’m lost. I just want my wife back

[formflier]

Don't chase..don't send gifts and flowers (at least for a couple weeks).  Get some T sessions under you belt and keep reading.

Make a plan for what you will do..when you get to chat with her.

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

Don't chase..don't send gifts and flowers (at least for a couple weeks).  Get some T sessions under you belt and keep reading.

Make a plan for what you will do..when you get to chat with her.

Best,

FF

This coming Friday will be 6 weeks since she left.  At what point should I consider flowers, etc or will me chasing her drive her away?  In the past 2 weeks since I started therapy I have already got in 10 hrs.  Which it looks like I’m now backing down to once per week.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you had any communication since she left?

[WorriedHusband]

Have you had any communication since she left?

Not much. We did the first week after she left, but it wasn’t good.  At first she made it sound like she just needed a few days then she said she was moving out.  I kept trying to get her to come home, but couldn’t get her to talk to me so I tried to engage her with something I thought would be something we couldn’t fight about.  

I was thinking of how we used to talk so much and I’d ask her questions about things.  I sent her a text asking her about her 3 favorite candy bars and told her mine.  Honestly I don’t even like candy bars.  I was just trying to get my wife to talk to me.  She used to eat York peppermint patties daily then one day she just didn’t like them anymore.  

She responded back to me with a fight.   She said that I must have sent that to her by mistake and it was proof I was cheating.  I tried to explain that I was just trying to engage her and get my wife to talk to me. She wasn’t having it.  This was about 4 days after she had left.  

Now I’m wondering if me asking her this is what sent her over the edge?  Candy bars?   I know it was a silly topic, but honestly I was really depressed and missing my wife.  I was just trying to get her to talk to me

[formflier]

If someone is telling you with their words and actions that they don't want to talk to you...please believe them.

Give them space without being chased/bothered or any of that. 

How long has it been since you reached out?  How long since she reached out?

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

We haven’t spoke in a month.  That is when she blocked me everywhere.  I did notice that she unblocked me on Pinterest yesterday, but I’m not going to reach out.

[formflier]

The details matter.


How long since you reached out?  Last time you reached out and actually connected?  How many times since then that you reached out and didn't connect?

How long since she reached out?  Same questions for her...how many times has she reached out and you didn't respond?  Last time she reached out and you responded?

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

The details matter.


How long since you reached out?  Last time you reached out and actually connected?  How many times since then that you reached out and didn't connect?

How long since she reached out?  Same questions for her...how many times has she reached out and you didn't respond?  Last time she reached out and you responded?

Best,

FF

She left Friday night Oct 2 around 11pm.  She had been trying to fight with me most of the day, but I thought we had a good night. We went to bed and she started a fight and left. 

On Oct 3rd, At 715 the next morning I text her to come home. She responded she was leaving and needed a few days away.  By this point she is not being nice, but I keep telling her I love her.

Oct 4th, I text her I love her and to please come home. She didn’t reply.

Oct 5th she text me that she will come to get her things out on Oct 7th.  I tell her again I love her and to please come home.

Oct 6th she is telling me that she feels traumatized by all the fighting.  I keep telling her I love her and to come home.  I ask her through text to please talk to me tonight.  She had not been answering my calls.  She seemed to be calming down more in her text that day, but that night she didn’t talk to me so that is when I sent that stupid candybar text.  She just was dead set that I meant that for someone else.

Oct 7th while I’m at work she came and got things but most of her stuff. 

Oct 9th I text her again that I love her.  She basically keeps accusing me of cheating and lying.  She blocked me that day and I haven’t heard from her since.  She said she showed a lawyer that candybar text and he said “wow, he just got busted”. 

I gave her one week without getting through to her so on oct 16 I started emailing her each day.  I don’t know if she got them. She might have had my email blocked. I haven’t heard back.

Then I got served for divorce oct 29

I did notice she unblocked me on Pinterest yesterday

[AlmostRyan]

WorriedHusband,

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I was in your position in the last year. Eventually I learned that whatever my wife was accusing me of, she was guilty of it. In that case, it's called projection, and is something you might want to Google. People with BPD traits commonly use it as a defensive mechanism, probably subconsciously. I'm not saying she has definitively cheated on you, because I am not omniscient, but if she has BPD traits, then consider very carefully what other things she has thrown your way. It could also be that she is paranoid that you have cheated on her, if she has low self-esteem. Either way, it can be very insightful when you start to put a pattern together. If you do find consistency, avoid letting her on to it. It will only cause her to dig into her reality more and create more turmoil for you both. Eventually, you might be able to use the perspective as a way to open up an honest dialog to discuss her concerns. In my case I'm fairly deep into the divorce process that my wife initiated despite all my efforts to make peace, having accepted that for the first time in 20 years, I had finally started to see my wife for the person she really is. A person I don't want to be with any longer. It's a hard road, and I wish you well on wherever it leads you. Also, as has been said in this thread already, don't beat yourself up over what you could have done better. Hindsight is 20/20. Chances are, while it might have smoothed some of it over, it wouldn't likely have prevented the same eventual situation you're both in.

[WorriedHusband]

I guess I’m split black forever? 
We divorced today.  I haven’t seen her since she left oct 2 until today.  It was zoom meeting court due to Covid. She didn’t look upset.  She was completely expressionless.  I was a train wreck.  Later tonight I learned she has been projecting everything on me to her friends and even just acquaintances.  She is making me out to sound like I am a narcissist, manipulator, liar, and a cheater.  So even at the divorce I didn’t get to talk to her.  So I haven’t talked to her in 2 mths.  I just don’t understand how this happened

[formflier]

 

That seems really fast from service to final divorce. 

Did you both have lawyers?

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

Yes.  I only got an attorney last minute. She filed quickly and pushed it through quickly.  I couldn’t stop it.

I think she truly believes these lies she has told herself

[AlmostRyan]

That's a hard one, coming to terms with how they are perceiving reality. They may be telling themselves lies from our perspective, but for them, they are their truths. No amount of logic can convince them otherwise. I tried for a long time before I started to really understand. There's intellectual understanding, but then there's emotional understanding. The latter often lags behind the former.

It's an abrupt ending. If she reaches out again, what will you do?

Definitely continue to take care of yourself. You will emerge from the FOG. What she does is well out of your control, but you can control what you do from here.

[WorriedHusband]

That's a hard one, coming to terms with how they are perceiving reality. They may be telling themselves lies from our perspective, but for them, they are their truths. No amount of logic can convince them otherwise. I tried for a long time before I started to really understand. There's intellectual understanding, but then there's emotional understanding. The latter often lags behind the former.

It's an abrupt ending. If she reaches out again, what will you do?

Definitely continue to take care of yourself. You will emerge from the FOG. What she does is well out of your control, but you can control what you do from here.

Yes, I believe it is her truth.  It hurts that she truly believes these things about me.  She has convinced herself of these things and I believe she has done this to justify her actions leaving me. 

Honestly, if she were to contact me right now I would answer and would most likely just cry from talking to her since I haven’t spoke with her in over 2 mths.  I can’t help it. I truly love and care about her.

But I don’t think I have to worry about that.  She has split me black and isn’t coming back.  Will she ever contact me again?  I honestly don’t know.  Part of me prays she will, but I don’t think she will. 

I’m trying to move forward now.  All I can do is exercise and make plans for some soul searching.  I’m getting my passport and I’m booking a trip to climb Kilimanjaro this coming year

[Goosey]

John Lennon: watching the wheels go around.