Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
April 11, 2025, 02:26:31 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: BPD ex in jail  (Read 568 times)
Hurtingbad88

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Recently broke up
Posts: 6


« on: December 21, 2020, 01:06:36 PM »

I believe my ex has BPD. We have a seven month old daughter together. We broke up in November. He moved on very quickly to a new partner. Well his new partner has a crazy ex-husband. Ex-husband called my ex's probation officer and told her he has guns (he's a convicted felon and that's not allowed). So my ex's apartment got raided and he's currently in jail for 3 counts of a probation violation. 1 for the gun, 1 for violation of our domestic violence order, and I'm unsure what the third one was for. Needless to say he is in trouble. I'm sick about it. Part of me has held onto hope that he would get treatment for his BPD and someday we could be a family again. I know he is responsible for his actions and has no one to blame but himself for the way his life is at the moment. I'm in the process of accepting I'm going to be a single mom. I was just wondering if anyone has experience with this? I don't know if he'll want to have a relationship with our daughter or if he'll chalk it up as a loss. Obviously no one is psychic and can predict the future but I'm really going thru it right now. I miss him. I love him. I hate him. If he gets indicted he's looking at 5 years. I know I need to move on. Hearing from others who have been in similar situations helps me heal and gain clarity.
Logged
PearlsBefore
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 445



« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2020, 12:50:02 AM »

It definitely sounds like some mental health issues enter the relationship, which is never easy whether on both sides or only one.

I have a dBPD who spent a couple years narrowly avoiding jailtime, and I ran ragged trying to save them from themselves; I had promised them I wouldn't let them end up in jail, and then I took that promise to a ridiculous length to honor it even while it hurt me, and worse, hurt the children who were involved.

If he has mental health issues then he may not be BPD specifically, ASPD looks very similar as does Haltlose, and based on the snippets of detail you've provided it could just as easily be something else like complex PTSD, Aspergers or ADHD comorbid with schizoaffective, etc.

Keep in mind "facing five years" usually means more like "sentenced to 18 months" and in practical terms means "released on good behavior in a year"...and with Covid it sounds like they're often doing it even faster. So don't hang too much dread on the number "five years"; if it's just possession of a firearm (in a state where he could otherwise own them if not a felon) and violation of his order I expect he'd do less than a year.

Even if he doesn't reach out for a relationship with your daughter, keep in mind that you should encourage some such relationship even if it's just literally going to the jail once a month to let her chat through glass or something. Girls without father figures often end up in very precarious circumstances - and everybody hopes their own children will be healthier and better than they themselves were

I'm guessing a lot will probably end up hinging on whether or not his current partner stands by him during his troubles or not; it might be wise for you to sit down and figure out what the 3-4 possibilities outside your control are going to be over the next four months...then agonize over drawing up a plan for each of those options...so when the time comes, you know you've put months of rational thinking into the decision, rather than making it on a whim when you get hit with the news.

edit: Harri, can we change the smiley face on here? Most sites have a pleasant, serene smile...ours has somebody grinning ear to ear...which is offputting and not really the smiley I'm trying to convey when I say "I'm sorry to hear your sister died, but trust me it gets easier with time, I'll pray for you Smiling (click to insert in post)"
Logged

Cast not your pearls before swine, lest they trample them, and turn and rend you. --- I live in libraries; if you find an academic article online that you can't access but might help you - send me a Private Message.
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10400



WWW
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2020, 08:35:52 PM »

Hi Hurtingbad88,

So sorry that this is happening to you. I can understand how frightening the uncertainty can be. Yes we’re not psychics, we’re still here to guide you.

Keep in mind "facing five years" usually means more like "sentenced to 18 months" and in practical terms means "released on good behavior in a year"...and with Covid it sounds like they're often doing it even faster. So don't hang too much dread on the number "five years"; if it's just possession of a firearm (in a state where he could otherwise own them if not a felon) and violation of his order I expect he'd do less than a year.

You didn’t mention if he has a L ( lawyer )
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!