give and take

[EyesUp]

I could use some input on a few things going on with my wayward / BPDish / covert narc wife...

1) she received a holiday card from her former affair partner's family.  AP's wife has no idea about the affair...
- toss it, burn it, shred it?
- hand it over?
- other?

2) she wants to host a wine night, at our house.  basically other moms in our kids' pod. not a lot of exposure (pandemic), but not fully compliant in terms of state regulations re: indoor gatherings, either. she is selfishly indifferent to the state guidelines and prepared to flaunt them publicly. another issue is that one of the moms is the same AP's wife mentioned above...

how to negotiate on this? my wife is increasingly deep into B&W thinking and sees any question or concern as a rejection and denial of her preferences, autonomy, friendships, etc.  she proposed that I leave the house so that she can host a wine night...   I am increasingly jammed - I just don't have the bandwidth to run the emotional gauntlet.

of course I've tried to validate with some redirection...  "great idea to get together. how about going to place ABC with plenty of seating?"  -> rage.

probably too late, but what else can I do here?

[CoherentMoose]

Oh man.  I don't have any advice, but...inviting the former AP's wife to this is...a "foul" is the most polite word I can use.  Sorry you have to deal with that.  That is some kind of special.  CoMo

[GaGrl]

My husband's ex is uNPD/BPD, more N than B but definitely co-morbid. When confronted with opposition to anything she wanted to do, her reaction was invariably -- "It's what I want to do. It is nothing to do with them, none of their business." Mind you, this extended all the way to illegal activities.

 I truly think they see laws, regulations, mandates as mere suggestions. There is a willfulness in their actions -- not all the behavior is impulsive. One of the ex's greatest quotes, in one of her more honest conversations with him, was:

"I know it's wrong, and I know it hurts you, but it's what I want to do, and I'm going to do it."

Suggestions -- I would place the card with other mail and let her be the one to open it. I would probably take a stand on the house being used for a gathering outside of Covid-19 guidelines.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Just my suggestions -

1) Let her open the card.  If you've already moved past the incident, don't hide it.  Let her deal with any awkwardness.  (Assuming she knows that you know who these people are, and she will know that you've seen the card.  No need to pretend you didn't see it.)

2) If there are no kids involved, and it's just a moms-only law-breaking party, there's not much you can do about it.  Say you don't like breaking the law, and you'd prefer to be out of the house during the party.  Other moms may or may not attend anyway, based on their own risk-taking levels.  Of course you'll be taking the risk of being with her after the party and possibly contracting covid, but that's a risk you've already assumed by staying with her.  If you are truly in a high-risk group for serious illness, and she's disregarding major health risks to you, that's a bigger issue you need to work out.  My BPDgf basically contracted covid for both of us, and we luckily survived with minimal symptoms.  It was one of those things where she was worried and safe for many months, and then one week just snapped and basically ignored all protocols, went out to bars hugging people maskless, seriously risky behavior, and sure enough we both tested positive a few days later.  It was like she just couldn't stand it any longer and gave up all safety protocols.