Struggling and on the fence

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. I’m sharing as someone who has been involved with a gentleman who has BPD. Whereas at one point, he was participating in A very effective DBT group, that ended abruptly when he lost his job and benefits as a result of the current pandemic. In the transition to state paid insurance, a therapist recommended that he get on Zoloft, which he did for several months until the side effects became unbearable. With very little supervision, he discontinued the drug, and now not only has there been a reversal of the progress he had made in group, but there are more frequent, angry rages - sometimes several times a day. Whereas before, he accepted that he needed help, now he is angry and defiant and insists there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. It is not uncommon for him to contact someone he perceives slighted him - even decades ago - and look that person up and reach out and start verbally attacking from out of the blue. In the worst of rages, he often punches himself in the face. Whereas before I never feared he would hurt me, I fear it’s only a matter of time as his rages are starting to become aimed at me.. for instance, he will come into my room as I try to sleep and stand over me and scream. Recently, he trapped me in the bathroom and got into my face screaming and pointing and I was sure he was going to punch me.

I don’t know what to do or who to tell. His parents know that he rages and are trying to get him to get help, but I haven’t been able to truly confide with my friends or family regarding how bad it has gotten because I don’t want for my parents to be afraid and don’t want for my friends to judge me if I end up staying with him. I’m trying but failing at setting boundaries. I try to walk away or leave when he rages, but then he threatens suicide. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for just letting this all out here, but I’m pretty overwhelmed. I wish I could just walk away at this point as life is so much nicer and peaceful when we are not together, but I’m afraid of how he would react and also don’t want to leave someone in their worst moments.

[MeowMix]

Hi. I’m sharing as someone who has been involved with a gentleman who has BPD. Whereas at one point, he was participating in A very effective DBT group, that ended abruptly when he lost his job and benefits as a result of the current pandemic. In the transition to state paid insurance, a therapist recommended that he get on Zoloft, which he did for several months until the side effects became unbearable. With very little supervision, he discontinued the drug, and now not only has there been a reversal of the progress he had made in group, but there are more frequent, angry rages - sometimes several times a day. Whereas before, he accepted that he needed help, now he is angry and defiant and insists there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. It is not uncommon for him to contact someone he perceives slighted him - even decades ago - and look that person up and reach out and start verbally attacking from out of the blue. In the worst of rages, he often punches himself in the face. Whereas before I never feared he would hurt me, I fear it’s only a matter of time as his rages are starting to become aimed at me.. for instance, he will come into my room as I try to sleep and stand over me and scream. Recently, he trapped me in the bathroom and got into my face screaming and pointing and I was sure he was going to punch me.

I don’t know what to do or who to tell. His parents know that he rages and are trying to get him to get help, but I haven’t been able to truly confide with my friends or family regarding how bad it has gotten because I don’t want for my parents to be afraid and don’t want for my friends to judge me if I end up staying with him. I’m trying but failing at setting boundaries. I try to walk away or leave when he rages, but then he threatens suicide. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for just letting this all out here, but I’m pretty overwhelmed. I wish I could just walk away at this point as life is so much nicer and peaceful when we are not together, but I’m afraid of how he would react and also don’t want to leave someone in their worst moments.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AlmostRyan]

Really sorry to hear what you're dealing with. It sounds like you know what you need for yourself, and I'd encourage you to pursue whatever peace you can to stay healthy mentally and physically very soon. Also, don't worry about failing to set boundaries... the fact you are trying is a good thing. Keep trying. You'll get better at it with practice. He will not like boundaries and will test them, that's how you know they are likely healthy boundaries for you. What concerns me are the threats of suicide, and you feeling like you can't leave him in his worst moments. Those seem to me to be him emotionally blackmailing you. Obligating you. He knows you care for him, and he's exploiting that. Caring about him is a good thing, although you might want to consider what could be enabling him to continue this behavior, and what might truly help him. Also, consider direct threats of suicide very seriously. Have you considered calling 911 to report that, or a crisis line? It seems like you could use some help, and these boards are certainly a great start, but this isn't really something you yourself can fix. (Ultimately only he can decide to change for the better, and it sounds like he has decided against that, at least for now.) Be strong, it seems like he's instilling fear in you which might be keeping you from acting. One other thing is, I wouldn't worry about what your friends or parents think. Focus on what you need to do to be safe. Believe it or not, you are worth a lot and are valuable regardless of what others think!