How to manage the snideness

[rebekkah]

The 2nd time my fiancé and I broke up I went no contact for 3 years and threw myself into work and volunteering. I got involved in a feminist social justice group and the community really became valuable in my life, as I rebuilt my confidence I guess after the breakup. It was a good thing for me and I would say I am (and will always) be a feminist BUT I am no longer active in volunteering.

Fast forward nearly a decade and we are back together yet again (but slowly rebuilding his trust). He has told friends I left him because of my volunteer work (he left me just before our engagement party, but hey, you know the way it goes) as if there was no 3 years of me having a LIFE. clearly he sees it as a threat or something but mostly its not that relevant to our relationship, at flats to me. I learnt about picking battles with him and this is not worth it for me, really it is minor. Thing is, every time he is unhappy with me he sends endless YouTube antifeminist videos. Just so many. it doesn't actually hurt me (hell, I swear he does not even believe half the nonsense he sends) but I am so exhausted. just so exhausted. Yesterday I missed a call from him and then the new covid lockdown got announced. I am in effect a single parent to a young child and work from home so the new rules were a shock and practical nightmare to organise childcare and work etc so last minute. Fiance is abroad.

Today he messaged early asking if we were ok, needed anything. I was pleasantly surprised BUT am cautious about showing too much vulnerability when I know he is freaking about the situation, so I just said yeah we're fine, thanks for asking, sweet, how's you doing? then got on with my busy day.  since then the only other communication to me was some antifeminist really harsh comedy on YouTube. I didnt even reply. normally I would acknowledge that i'd missed the call from day before, give a very short reason why, reassure subtly and NOT take it personally or let the hurt take over. But this evening I am just beyond sad. I can't even message him right now (so of course the next few days he shall ignore me in retaliation mirroring and then be all sarcastic when we do speak). it is too much.

overall I want to be in this relationship and I am choosing to stay and try the radical acceptance and validation and all the tools. I have seen how they REALLY do work and help and things have been hugely better since keeping my boundaries firmly. the antifeminist theme doesn't usually get to me because I can see how it is his 'way' of trying to tear me down but actually today im sick of it. These snide attacks or whatever he perceives them to be are just so draining. it feels like at the moment every week there is something he is 'punishing' me for, usually its not clear to me what it is, and always he comes back sweeter than ever but right now I am sick of it.

he is the most thoughtful, sweet, loving man I have ever met and I GET that I cannot rely on him for emotional support when he's not at baseline BUT another of those videos today was too much. he is abroad right now so phones/messages seem to take on more importance than ever.

my question is is there anything I can do to get us out of this part of the matrix? is there even any point in trying to draw a boundary about not engaging in this topic anymore? probably not huh. I fear that if I say im bored of this, please find new fodder for your passive aggression, he'll split me black or more likely just send more stupid videos than ever. feel bit helpless with it.

any advice at all would be hugely appreciated. I want to stay and I want us to continue to grow together, but right now it feels an impossible task. thanks for reading

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thoughtful, sweet, loving people do not send multiple videos that are offensive to your values.

A boundary is to protect you, not necessarily to change the other person's behavior. You may not be able to stop him from sending these videos at all. Do you ever acknowledge them? Why do you watch them?

[rebekkah]

Thanks for the fast reply 'I am redeemed'.
I don't watch the videos but they still get to me. I have tried various ways of responding and since given up, found that not acknowledging works best BUT I guess my question is is there any way to boundary this issue? as you say I can't STOP him sending whatever he wants, whilst we are in contact, and overall I want to be in contact

[Notwendy]

You can't control what he does on his end. A boundary actually stems from our values, and this is a key question.

If we value honesty- can we be in a relationship with someone who is dishonest?

It may not be that the other person is "wrong" but perhaps the values are different.

If we value fidelity- can we be in a relationship with someone who wants a polyamorous relationship?

If we want children, can we be in a relationship with someone who doesn't?

If we want to follow a certain religion in the home, can we be in a relationship with someone who wants to follow a different religion?


These don't have right or wrong answers but they require some personal honesty because, to be in a relationship with someone who has different values - one person needs to compromise. The question is- can you really compromise a core value and how will this affect you in the long run?

As Dr. Phil asks- "do I have to give up me to be in a relationship with you?"


If he was just sending you snarky videos, then you could probably just think that's being a jerk, but you have stated your investment in feminism and he is directly attacking a core value of yours. You have asked him to respect your values and this is the response.

Yes, you want to maintain a relationship with this person, but I think perhaps it would help to consider that he isn't in agreement with this value of yours in the long run.

What if you have a daughter? How would he raise a girl? or a boy? You would want a boy to respect women, but he would be the boy's role model.

How about domestic duties? You may want a career and shared duties. He may want someone to do all the housework and child care.

Your boundary is this: how much of your own core value matters to you vs the relationship. If you feel your core value of feminism is important and he doesn't and this is how he acts, are the two of you compatible in the long run? This depends on your boundary. Your value matters more or less. Our boundaries are what action we take to honor our own values and what we do when someone violates them or expects us to not honor them.