Walking the tightrope

[Juevonate]

After about 5 years overseas, me, my BP wife of 7 years, and our two daughters returned to the States about 6 months ago. It has been chaotic and stressful for all of us, and we have stayed in multiple homes in the past 6 months.

We are currently living at my parents while we try to get back on our feet.

The weekend after Christmas, my wife met with my dad to talk about her concerns that he was too authoritarian and patriarchal in the decisions he was making about his house.

The conversation did not go as she hoped, and she had another breakdown (she was hospitalized for suicidal ideation a month ago). She wasn't able to describe too many specifics of the conversation, but she mentioned that my dad talked over her, and kept talking when she asked him to stop. She said she "Saw the the devil" in one of the looks he gave her. She walked home alone, and was non-functional for days. She said my dad "killed the last piece" of her. The following few days she sent a string of menacing text messages to my dad including, threatening to make my life a living hell,  take our two girls to a far-away state, with or without me, among other shockingly harsh accusations. The messages were so intense that my dad's blood pressure spiked to dangerous levels.

My dad sent her a meaningful apology after her first text, and she has subsequently apologized, and things have reached a relative calm here again.

However, my wife is still walking a tightrope here, as far as staying functional. She is now convinced that the only path forward is for us to take out a ~$40,000 loan to buy a tiny house, and put it on my parents property (assuming the HOA approves). My parents have offered to subsidize $500/month for us to stay in an apartment locally, but my wife is convinced that she does not want to live in an apartment long-term, and she wants to find a more permanent home now.

I have serious misgivings about taking out a $40,000 loan for a house that might not be ideal, and am generally concerned about making such big decisions when we are recovering from an exceptionally difficult, transitory period in our lives, among other reasons. Anytime I discuss these misgivings, the conversation ends with my wife in tears, and upset that I am not more supportive and embracing of the tiny house idea.

Her current path towards healing and functionality involves hours of meditation/mindfulness alone in the morning, always connected to crystals(crystals are now an integral part of her lifestyle and environment). She is intensely exploring reincarnation, and what she believes her past lives were. She believes that our past lives explain a lot of the challenges we are facing right now.

Over the past two years, my wife has received counseling related to the following issues:

-Alcoholism
-Depression
-Anxiety
-Panic attacks (dysphoria?)
-BPD
-Religious de-conversion
-Triggers related to her former religion
-Triggers related to a traumatic birth and infancy of our first child

More than anything I am immediately concerned about the following issues:
-My wife having another dysphoric breakdown, where she becomes non-functional for days at a time.
-Us making a poor, damning financial decision.
-Her convincing herself that her only path to functionality is in a far-away state, with or without me.

Thanks so much for your help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

not an easy place to be, friend. im glad you found us.

so, theres a great deal of external stress that people with bpd dont handle well, to begin with. all the moving, returning to the states, living with the parents, the uncertainty of where you will live in the future, and the holidays. and then fighting with your dad, and probably feeling a bit self conscious about it.

thats a lot right there! and in addition to that, it sounds like shes struggled a great deal in the last two years.

knowing that, and as we drift out of the holidays, will likely make things somewhat easier on their own, short term, though a lot of what you list is in the realm of long term.

its hard for any of us to take a stand when it comes to the tiny home or the temporary apartment. i suspect, from your wifes perspective, living with the parents is hard, part of her wants to just move as quickly as possible (not always practical or wise), and that part of her wants it to be under what seem like her to be ideal, if romantic, conditions. when my dad bought me my first car, i really wanted the electric blue mustang, and he had obvious reasons not to go for it, and we settled on the nissan altima that i loved. a lot of people would just be happy with a first car  

there may be a compromise; its not clear to me what that is, but it could be in terms of the home, or the financing.

i would not necessarily expect your wife to become less difficult when it comes to the practical matters vs the emotional. it sounds a bit like shes pouting, and she wants what she wants, and if that isnt in the cards, she loses. thats hard, but not impossible.

i think the primary things are to make her feel heard and listened to, and to give her emotional buy in. the first is important...the more you do it, the more she will likely be able to hear your side of things, and be realistic. its also important in the sense that if the two of you end up going with something shes not thrilled with, there will be less resentment on her end. but the second is the compromise aspect of it. if you can get creative, or lucky with this, and for example, she feels like she can make the place her own, where the two of you land is ultimately going to matter less.

i mention getting lucky. it happens. you could catch a break, find a great, realistic deal you arent anticipating. but it also seems like living with the folks is causing tension. id suggest you dont want to rush, but making the move sooner than later might be ideal.