Hi, im new here and I already read some things about people with bpd.
I came here because I find this site to be very useful and btw I’m sorry if some sentences aren’t correct.. I’m Dutch and I live in the Netherlands so that’s why haha.
Anyway, I wanted to share my story and maybe gain some advice.
I’m a lesbian and I had a relationship with this girl for 2 years, it started in 2018. We started off dating for 3 months and after that we got into a relationship. I already knew her for 2 years through a friend, who invited me to a party once. There was definitely something between us, we both felt it, but didn’t act on it bc she had a girlfriend and I was dating someone else.
Then 2 years later I was hanging out with some friends and former boyfriend (didn’t know I was attracted to girls back then).
It wasn’t really going well between us, because I was thinking about girls a lot for the last 2/3 months at that time and it never really felt right with boys. (I dated him for 1,5 years).
But she was there as well, but this time she was single. This is where it all started. From the moment we spoke each other again, we wanted to keep on talking. We also kissed that night in the bathroom. I really do not like cheating and I’m not that kind of person, but it was my first relationship and next to that, I already took some steps in my mind to date girls.
After this night everything went fast. We broke up shortly after and I dated her after awhile.
My ex (the girl) and I were very honest with each other from the beginning. We both liked each other but we also weren’t single for a very long time, so at first we both thought it was a rebound, so we didn’t wanna rush anything. We found out very quickly that this wasn’t the case.
After 9 months she broke up with me bc she ‘wasn’t in love’ anymore. Within a week she wanted to get back with me. In her eyes she wasn’t in love anymore bc she didn’t feel the ‘butterflies’ anymore, but to me that was normal, bc it meant I really loved her.
So we were back together for a couple months and then broke up again. After that we never got into a relationship again, but we were exclusive. We did want to have a relationship but bc we had a lot of fights we didn’t wanna jump into it right away.
In 2019 it happend a lot that we broke up and everytime within a month we got back together. This was mostly bc she wanted to be single and wanted to work on herself. She did sleep with other girls, I didn’t really. But when she realized that they weren’t the same as me and it wasn’t love she would always come back.
In 2020 things were really starting to get better for us. I had noticed that she was more serious about us, which I already was. She said that she was really thinking about getting into a relationship with me again. A week after we were hanging out with some of my friends at her place and we ended up having this huge fight.
At some point we didn’t have anymore wine and my friend asked me if we could take a shot of one of the bottles that was standing in a kind of closet (don’t know the English word).
I told her that that wasn’t an option bc I know that my ex wouldn’t even touch it herself. But there was another bottle standing on a table outside that closet and my friend asked if we could take a shot from that one. We all had something to drink and I thought that my ex and I already drank from that bottle once before but later I found out this wasn’t the case. It didn’t cross my mind to ask, bc I was drunk and I thought it already had been opened once. I know I should’ve asked and I made an honest mistake. However my ex and my friends boyfriend came back after a talk in the kitchen. And we told her that we took a shot. I could tell she would’ve wanted me to ask and she was right about feeling that way. But then she said she also wanted a drink from that bottle so we made one for everyone. After that drink my friends were going home and my ex was joking about being mad about opening the bottle. She was also laughing a bit, but I knew that when my friends were gone she was going to get serious about this. She was right to talk about it, but for me it was the way she said it.
I know that she wanted to hear an apology from me, but she said it in a way that made me feel like I was
PLEASE READ. She said ‘Listen, I don’t like it that you opened the bottle without me asking. I want you to say sorry, look me in the eyes and you’re gonna mean it.’ She also said that I don’t have respect for her or her house. Maybe it doesn’t sounds harsh reading it, but her tone of voice was so painful for me. I did a lot for her. I really was a wifey for her without us being in a relationship. I cleaned the house, bought groceries without her asking, was always there for here when she needed me, sometimes I stayed at her place cleaning and doing laundry on the weekends while she was drinking with her friends. It really hurt my feelings that I made a mistake and she made me feel like I never did anything good by the way she handled it.
Im not saying she wasn’t right to feel that way, it was the way she said things to me. And I’m not someone who keeps her mouth shut, so I became angry when she told me I don’t have respect for her or her house. It was my mistake to react like that. I should’ve gone home and we could’ve talked about it in the morning. But I didn’t and this is how it escalated. I’m not gonna tell in detail what happend bc I just wanna move past this event.
We broke up after this but again within a month or 2 weeks even, we were back together. Her parents didn’t know about this bc they told her that they didn’t want us dating each other.
We had a good conversation about this night and she said that she can’t come home with me yet (she lives on her own, but she meant bringing me to family events) , only after a couple of months. She also said that I should see a psychologist.
Anyway, we were taking things very slow and this one time I was at work and this co worker asked me to hang out after work. I told my ex this bc I once kissed her for like 5 seconds when we were broken up, and my ex knew about this. I wanted to be honest and told her that we were going to hang out for a little bit. I also told her not to worry and evertime she would text me I would respond immediately so that she wouldn’t have to wait for a reply and make scenarios in her head.
I texted her when I got home and even sent a cute snapchat. The next day we were just talking and she didn’t like the fact that my friends later joined for a bit as well and told me ‘now I don’t feel bad, I kissed ... ( a ‘friend’ of hers). I got mad and said, just because you THINK I was gonna ‘cheat’ doesn’t make it true. And she told me that bc she thought that I would, she wanted to hurt me as well or something.
This wasn’t the first time that she would think I was gonna ‘cheat’ and ended up doing it herself.
After this she told me ‘I made a mistake and it was just bc of what went through my mind. It was with a friend, I’m not in love with her or something.’
It made me even more mad that she said this, idk why.
I also told her that I had been in that situation more then once and not ever did I cheat bc I was insecure.
I never cheated on her, she did with me tho.
She had sex 2 times, with 2 different girls in 2019 when we were exclusive. One of them she told me immediately the day after and the other one a year later, when I told her I kissed that co worker when we were broken up. She got very mad and all of a sudden she stopped and said ‘I’m a hypocrite bc a month after I had sex with that girl, I had sex again with another female.’
I know this is a long story. I’m sorry haha. But I wanted to share a little bit about the big things that happend.
I also wanted to say that we really experienced something rare between us which we both weren’t familiar with. We also wanted a future together and were talking about it a lot the last couple of months when we were together. She said that I was the first one ever that she could she as the mother of her kids and with her previous partners she didn’t even want them.
But after she said that she kissed with her friend, 2 days later she was hanging out with her again and a couple of other friends, but at some point they went home and the friend that she kissed 2 days before stayed at her place bc it was late or something, even though she lives 5 min from my ex’s house and was with the bike.
The next day she said that it’s best for us to break up bc of the huge fight we had and also this. It was too much all together and we already been through a lot.
At first I said that I was done breaking up and then getting back together, so I wanted to work on things. I also said how would you feel if I kissed a friend and 2 days later she would spent the night. She said, I would’ve dumped you and then probably get back together after a month bc we always miss each other so much.
After a talk and me saying I was done with the whole breaking up and getting back together thing she said ‘I really don’t want to have contact for awhile’
At that moment I respected her decision and left her alone. 2 days later she came over at my place to have a talk face 2 face and also to come get her stuff. We talked and it really was best to leave each other alone for awhile and focus on ourselves. She said ‘maybe after a few months’.
A couple days later it was too much in my mind so I made the decision to block her on Snapchat and then unblock her. Just so she didn’t saw my name in her list anymore.
My Snapchat is publicly and I saw 2 times that she still watched it, that means she searched for my name.
Within 2/3 weeks she was dating her friend who she kissed that night, I heard this through a mutual friend. They dated for 3 weeks and got into a relationship. They now have been in a relationship for 2 months but in total it has been 3 months, including the dating part.
I read a lot of things that people with bpd can move on and replace you very fast and you won’t understand it. It’s just that it is so painful. Especially after everything we’ve been through together. Everything went naturally between us and it didn’t matter what we were doing 9/10 times, it felt romantic without making any effort for it.
Sometimes I see things on Snapchat when they are hanging out together with mutual friends and they seem happy and she seems to not be affected by the whole break up.
Why is she dating this ‘friend’ so fast? They weren’t even really friends, they had the same friends and only hung out when they were there as well. A year ago she did try to hang out with her now girlfriend, but she told me that she didn’t like it and thought she was childish and loud. She also complained about her nose and her voice sometimes. I went to school with this girl so I kinda know her as well and I also know that the girl loves attention.
My ex found it very hard in the beginning of us dating that I dated guys before her, but I told her multiple times that I didn’t really know myself at that time and that it never really felt right with males, emotionally and physically.
Now this girl she’s dating became bi bc she’s dating my ex. She was in a relationship with a guy for 6 years and also within a month or 2 started dating my ex, while she was so heartbroken after breaking up with him. It looks like my ex isn’t bothered by this. Then why was she so jealous with me when I was hanging out with friends and there were also boys, knowing that I’m totally into girls and a lesbian. Telling me she would never date a bisexual girl, bc she got hurt by them in the past. And now it doesn’t bother her.
A lot of people know each other around here, so a lot of my friends who were friends with that girl tell me that this is just a phase for her and they don’t really believe it. With me it wasn’t really a surprise for them and didn’t question it.
Ofcourse you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover and I usually don’t, I just find it very hard to believe as I kinda know how this girl is.
My ex is btw someone with a huge ego en kinda the ‘male’ in relationships. It happened more then once that after breaking up with her previous relationships she would almost immediately be in another one. She also told me that she told an ex to get back together while being in a new relationship a few years ago and this girl knew nothing about it.
Again, I’m so sorry for this long story. I don’t know people who’ve been with people with bpd except for myself. So it’s the first time I could tell this story with people who kind of understand the mind of a person with bpd.
I know myself and I won’t have contact with my ex unless she contacts me first. She put me through a lot, so that’s also one of the reasons I won’t contact her first.
Will she ever want to have contact with me again or something? Or am I just out of sight, out of mind?
Btw I was there when she was diagnosed with bpd. I was waiting in the waiting room. I read a lot of things of how to handle a relationship with someone with bpd and she knew about that, but I did have my boundaries and she knew that as well. I told her when she went too far or that I couldn’t always respond the way she wanted me to bc I can’t look in her head.
I hope someone reads this long ass story haha. Thankyou in advance for reading my story!
