Silent treatment and avoidance

[Atrix90]

Looking for guidance/reassurance.

About me: I believe myself to be a high functioning BPD, My ex and the person I am/was seeing have both pointed it out, I'm somewhat aware of my behaviours and typically stop and think and able to stop/control myself for the most part. Atleast around other people.

I started dating someone who I've known for about 15 years who is BPD and things were going great for two/three months. Then the splitting occured. Timeline is a little skewy but still in contact via text for about 5/6 weeks but the lovingness had dissipated, discussions about each others day had stopped and no physical contact was instigated by them.

Complete ghosting on holidays or blunt messages around this time so I asked if they were still interested and wanted to continue and they agreed but they had highlighted that they were in a funk and didn't know how to get out of it.
 I noticed I was always initiating first contact or being left on delivered for 12+ hours or days at a time which was extremely unusual so I set minimum boundaries: morning/night texts, if you need space let me know you need to check out and I wont question it and do not ghost. They stuck to this for a couple of weeks but I'm back to being left on delivered for two days and pending.

So now I'm in a bit of a dilemna. I personally can ghost people or need space for a week or two at a time from the people I love but I know I need space and ask for it. I set boundaries that they're not keeping to which seems unreasonable and if I were to chase them or try to contact them I'd be angry/frustrated if I'd asked for space which they haven't done. I currently feel worthless and in a state of self destructiveness which I'm struggling more than normal to handle. I feel like they've ended this without telling me due to the length of time it's been with no physical contact as I'd be unable to do this for that long to someone I care about. Do I just wait things out for them to contact me first,  do I continue to bite my tongue and send morning/night texts to show I'm thinking about them and still care?

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[Notwendy]

Hello Atrix,

You have really good insight into your own feelings and behavior. While you say you may be high functioning BPD, I wonder if you have had counseling and have received a professional diagnosis? Someone may point out some behaviors about you, but I think it's worth pursuing counseling because with your insight, it may be of help to you to help "undo" some of the self destructive thinking.

First, I will warn you that this is a site for people affected by the person with BPD in their lives, and so some of the comments can look quite negative to a person with BPD as this is a place where posters can vent their frustrations. So please be cautious about that. Even if people vent, they are still in that relationship and most care about the person with BPD, so keep that in mind.

As to if you have BPD, if you have a parent with BPD, some of your thinking might be learned behaviors. I have a mother with BPD and sometimes I worried I might be acting like her. I don't have BPD but some of my tendencies towards co-dependency resulted from how I was raised. I too would have feelings of low self esteem based on someone else's behavior towards me. This was from the interactions with my parents, the dysfunctional patterns in the family. The good news is that with counseling I have been able to change that and perhaps you can too.

The other great part about this is that, you can believe you are not worthless- in fact the opposite- you have self worth and this isn't dependent on any partner, or parent or any other person being in your life. You have self worth whether or not this person has ghosted you or is crazy about you. Once you realize this, the way you are thinking about yourself right now can change. We can't change what someone else is thinking, but we can change our own thinking if it isn't accurate. And thinking one is worthless is not ever accurate. A break up, or being ghosted feels hurtful- and so of course you feel hurt- but what that person does or says or thinks is their thinking and it doesn't have to change your sense of worth.

As for now, if this person has stopped contacting you, and doesn't return your efforts to contact them, it may be that they don't want to be in contact and it's best to respect that boundary. There is no way to know what they are thinking or why they decided to do this. I would stop with the texts. To keep on texting them shows them that you don't respect their boundary. It's frustrating when someone does this, but it happens and we really have no control about that. Whatever happens, you can also learn to believe you are worth being treated better. That will likely take some personal work and I would encourage you to do this with a counselor. I think for anyone, doing self work is worth the investment- as we are worth investing in - and you are too.

[Atrix90]

Hi Notwendy,

Thank you for your response.
I've tried counselling several times before but never find one that suited me and or my needs and told "we can't help you".

I've recently referred myself to assesment directly via a MHA centre in the area as I would rather avoid my local GP who have a habit of prescribing pills to solve problems or not understanding mental health and what to do without being condascending so we'll where the specialist route goes.

RE: others venting, understood and not a problem, I try to understand things from both sides to try and improve my own behaviours which has helped me manage some of my own behaviours throughout the years.

Thanks for your input/thoughts I'll take it on board.

[Notwendy]

I hope the referral is helpful and you find a counselor you can feel confident with.

I agree that a GP probably does not have the time or training to do this kind of counseling.

From what I have read, BPD can sometimes be difficult to treat due to patients not wanting to, or able to be insightful. I think that being pushed to look at ourselves is uncomfortable in any case. When this might trigger feelings of shame and worthlessness it's uncomfortable to go through. However, you do seem to be willing to be insightful,  and so I hope you find someone who will work with you. It is good you have reached out to the MHA center.

By helping you- you can also potentially improve your relationship with those who care about you. I imagine if you asked this board, most would say this is a wish of theirs- that their loved ones would do this- for their own sakes, so that they can better manage their own uncomfortable feelings. We don't like to see those we care about hurting.

As to this relationship- if they are not answering texts, I would say to stop. They know your number and how to reach out to you if they want to. I know it hurts for you, but we don't know what is going on on their end.