School is involved- seeking advice please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Background: ex wife is uBPD and we have joint custody of our 2 3rd graders.  The school (principal, therapists, teachers) are all very aware that our kids struggle when they are in her care.  They were able to review our parenting schedule and identify that 100% of tardiness related issues, missing homework, fatigue, lack of preparedness are all occurring on her time with kids.  They also notice a stark difference in communication between me, and my ex (e-mails responses are very frequently late). In fact, last year the school called child protective services who visited her house only.  The straw that broke the camel’s back is that the kids were sent to school with sandwiches prepared with bread that contained mold.  They have even asked me point blank if my ex would be ok w me having full custody, and even offered that if that happens, I am welcome to keep my kids in that school, as I live in a neighboring town outside the school district.  I was practically in tears when they offered that up as a possibility.  The point is, I have had very direct communication with certain school staff members about the situation, but never with my ex present. 

This week, my ex and I have a zoom meeting with our kids teacher, their art therapist, and 1 or 2 other staff members to discuss my kids school performance.   The conversation will likely center around lack of focus, lack of preparation, incomplete assignments- all of which only happens on my exes time.  My kids listen to me, we are prepared, we do the work together when they need help.  They are smart, capable and they perform well.  The challenge is that there is no consistency between households, and they are not paid attention to at their mothers. 

I don’t blame my 8 year old kids for not being prepared for school.  I blame their mother.  It’s going to be hard to listen to the school recap what they are seeing.  And the problem would easily be solved if my ex simply spends time with the kids to help them when needed, and help them prepare. 

There really is nothing more that I can do. 

Do you believe it’s appropriate for me to explicitly call this out in the meeting?  I know it’s true, the school does too.  I know it will create an explosive dynamic as my ex will become extremely defensive and likely start shifting blame, but by not recognizing it, then what’s the point?

Sincerely appreciate any thoughts on the subject.

[Meandmytwins]

Background: ex wife is uBPD and we have joint custody of our 2 3rd graders.  The school (principal, therapists, teachers) are all very aware that our kids struggle when they are in her care.  They were able to review our parenting schedule and identify that 100% of tardiness related issues, missing homework, fatigue, lack of preparedness are all occurring on her time with kids.  They also notice a stark difference in communication between me, and my ex (e-mails responses are very frequently late). In fact, last year the school called child protective services who visited her house only.  The straw that broke the camel’s back is that the kids were sent to school with sandwiches prepared with bread that contained mold.  They have even asked me point blank if my ex would be ok w me having full custody, and even offered that if that happens, I am welcome to keep my kids in that school, as I live in a neighboring town outside the school district.  I was practically in tears when they offered that up as a possibility.  The point is, I have had very direct communication with certain school staff members about the situation, but never with my ex present. 

This week, my ex and I have a zoom meeting with our kids teacher, their art therapist, and 1 or 2 other staff members to discuss my kids school performance.   The conversation will likely center around lack of focus, lack of preparation, incomplete assignments- all of which only happens on my exes time.  My kids listen to me, we are prepared, we do the work together when they need help.  They are smart, capable and they perform well.  The challenge is that there is no consistency between households, and they are not paid attention to at their mothers. 

I don’t blame my 8 year old kids for not being prepared for school.  I blame their mother.  It’s going to be hard to listen to the school recap what they are seeing.  And the problem would easily be solved if my ex simply spends time with the kids to help them when needed, and help them prepare. 

There really is nothing more that I can do. 

Do you believe it’s appropriate for me to explicitly call this out in the meeting?  I know it’s true, the school does too.  I know it will create an explosive dynamic as my ex will become extremely defensive and likely start shifting blame, but by not recognizing it, then what’s the point?

Sincerely appreciate any thoughts on the subject.

[Baglady]

Hi Meandmytwins,

I work in an elementary school and I am very familiar with the types of family dynamics you describe in your email.  I'm pleased to see that you have an experienced and solid school team on your side who are willing to do the hard things to put the interests of your children first (i.e. calling out child protective services when necessary).

Trust me, the school team knows very well the truth of the family situation and likely, behind the scenes, are really rooting for you as the stable parent (although they may be diplomatic about it).   Why not take a back seat at the upcoming meeting and let them deal with confronting your ex on the school issues?  They are professionals, this won't be their first rodeo and they can certainly handle your ex's dysregulation, school professionals handle a LOT of irate parents, it's part of the job.  I say be neutral and quiet at the meeting and let the school team fight the good fight on behalf of your children.  Let your ex display her defensiveness and blaming etc. to them.  You'll only garner even more sympathy from the team in the long run if you present as the calm and long-suffering parent. 

Just FYI - the team may make what seem like unfair requests to appear even-handed (i.e. kids will come to school from either home on time every day - even though this is not an issue for you for example) but dollars-to-donuts they know the real culprit and these requests are intended solely for her ears.

Would it be at all possible to change the custody situation so that you have the children on school days?

Warmly,
B.

[ForeverDad]

Schools don't like to take sides on custodial and parenting issues but are pleased when things improve.  When I was divorcing, her school refused to appear in court though our son's kindergarten teacher did offer to come and testify.  It ended up that my ex agreed to settle at the last minute on Trial Day and I held out to become the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  She was shocked and begged but I said it was that or else start the trial.  She caved.  Both lawyers insisted it didn't mean anything... but later it did.

It was March and the school year ended in May.  Since I lived slightly outside her school district, I asked for an exemption so he could stay for the rest of the school year and it was granted.  By April there had been enough incidents for them to give me one day to enroll him in my own school district.  The lawyers were so wrong, once I had the legal authority the school dumped her/us like a hot potato once more incidents occurred.  If I had let her default to even a slight authority for school matters, the officials would have been stuck with her.

Would it be at all possible to change the custody situation so that you have the children on school days?

Are you prepared to seek a legal change in court to become the Primary Parent, at least for school-related matters?  There is enough history that I believe the school would support you getting school-related authority and probably majority time too.  That means modifying the court order.

A couple years after my divorce I went back for custody and majority time.  The magistrate ruled I had a "Change of Circumstances" which was required for major changes.  When we went to the judge (first time ever since we usually dealt with magistrates) the GAL tried to guide us to a settlement.  For me, it was that she would support me getting full custody but not my other request for majority time.  Sort of "splitting the difference" so we both won and lost, it wasn't as good as I hoped but not as bad as ex feared.  GAL was hoping ex would behave better if she kept the existing equal time and had access to child support.  So that's what we walked out with.

Footnote, I did go back a couple years later for majority time and the second time around I did get majority time but only during the school year.  I was getting played year round by my ex but with the school also testifying it gave the court the ability to "split the difference"... ex lost her equal time but I didn't get year-round majority time.

[Meandmytwins]

Hi Meandmytwins,

I work in an elementary school and I am very familiar with the types of family dynamics you describe in your email.  I'm pleased to see that you have an experienced and solid school team on your side who are willing to do the hard things to put the interests of your children first (i.e. calling out child protective services when necessary).


Thank you so much for your reply.  I really appreciate your insight, and even more so given your background and experience.  I think you are right and I will follow your advice (as difficult as it is to bite my lip all the time).

Re custody:  My ex will fight that tooth and nail, but I get the feeling the community is rooting for us.  I have a demanding career, and need the support and structure of a significant other in place first.   Luckily, I have been in a fantastic and very loving relationship with my girlfriend for about 3 years, and my kids are equally in love with her and her boys.  The pieces are falling in place and I would not be surprised if we end up with majority custody.  The kids really need the structure and support inside and outside of school.  Thanks so much again for your reply.  I am so grateful to be able to bounce ideas off folks like you and others. 

Trust me, the school team knows very well the truth of the family situation and likely, behind the scenes, are really rooting for you as the stable parent (although they may be diplomatic about it).   Why not take a back seat at the upcoming meeting and let them deal with confronting your ex on the school issues?  They are professionals, this won't be their first rodeo and they can certainly handle your ex's dysregulation, school professionals handle a LOT of irate parents, it's part of the job.  I say be neutral and quiet at the meeting and let the school team fight the good fight on behalf of your children.  Let your ex display her defensiveness and blaming etc. to them.  You'll only garner even more sympathy from the team in the long run if you present as the calm and long-suffering parent. 

Just FYI - the team may make what seem like unfair requests to appear even-handed (i.e. kids will come to school from either home on time every day - even though this is not an issue for you for example) but dollars-to-donuts they know the real culprit and these requests are intended solely for her ears.

Would it be at all possible to change the custody situation so that you have the children on school days?

Warmly,
B.

[formflier]

I like the advice to sit back and let the school take the lead and let your pwBPD run with the rope...until she...

I realize this is frustrating...but I think things are getting more clear.

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

I'm curious what happens in your district after a certain number of tardies?

This may depend on how and when the school reports attendance and what the laws are about funding per pupil. Not to be too cynical, but there are administrative, financial, and legal reasons why the schools need your kids to be at school on time.

It might be a good idea to ask someone at the school how things will play out if things don't change, how they escalate these problems, so you know what to expect going forward.

Do you support a change in custody? It sounds like mom is really struggling.

[kells76]

Do you believe it’s appropriate for me to explicitly call this out in the meeting?  I know it’s true, the school does too.  I know it will create an explosive dynamic as my ex will become extremely defensive and likely start shifting blame, but by not recognizing it, then what’s the point?

Sincerely appreciate any thoughts on the subject.

Baglady has good advice -- you know that the school knows where the issues are coming from, so you don't need to leverage this particular meeting to convince them that you're not the issue. Yes, absolutely sit back and allow any "charged" (i.e. positive or negative) interaction to be between the school employees and your kids' mom. The best role you can take is, as crazy as it sounds: calm, few words, 110% focus on "how can we make this better for the kids... I'm concerned for our kids... what do you think I can do for the kids...". Model that you aren't the one who blames, points fingers, or takes over a meeting to badmouth a parent. The focus during this particular meeting is on supporting the kids and moving forward.

the team may make what seem like unfair requests to appear even-handed

Yes, I'd be prepared for that, so instead of being caught off-guard (like, "they know I'm not the problem, so why are they picking on me, too? I need to convince them now that I don't need to change"), you can calmly roll with "new rules" or "going forward, both parents will..." type statements. They may ask some pretty reasonable things of you both, and your response to it will be telling. She may become defensive... you can model that you are willing to do anything to make it better for the kids, while she may try to deflect responsibility to preserve herself. Big red flag.

OK, I guess one thing I might bring up, if it were me in the meeting, would be to suggest really airtight "checks" on any new assigned tasks for you/Mom. I.e., if the group says "each parent must sign off on HW the night before and email a photo of it to Person X" (or, I don't know, some new task or responsibility), I would at minimum ask some leading questions about "what do you recommend the outcomes/consequences are if this starts to slip", and then maybe suggest/brainstorm some ideas: "OK, if the kids are tardy 2 days in 1 week from 1 parent, then you recommend that to tighten things up, the other parent do school drop off every day?"

I can't think of better examples, but the gist I'm getting at is: in the meeting, like baglady said, the team may suggest "both parents shall do new thing X" (and it may be something you are already doing). If you say anything, this is the spot: suggest "what happens next" if a parent doesn't follow through, so that instead of having to have ANOTHER meeting if your kids' mom doesn't step up (likely), you already have a framework in place triggering "next steps".

Hope it's helpful food for thought;

kells76

[formflier]

Really good advice here. 

"lean into solutions and metrics".  This will likely create a massive (ever more massive) difference between you two. (and that's not your problem)

What do I mean by "metrics". 

"Both parents will try X for Y amount of time and we'll have brief email follow on up each Friday to check in with how it's going.  Define the group of people that are involved.  (I love the idea about pics or scanning of email the night before with parental involvement)

You can also ask "more" of the school as well.  While most kiddos should be responsible for accurately getting their own assignments, perhaps it is wise for Y amount of time that teachers will email both parents the assignments of the day so that both parents can compare this to what the child thinks they have to do.

Note...what is really happening here is both parents now have NO WIGGLE room for the "I didn't know..." argument.

Hehe...

You've got this.

Best,

FF

[kells76]

You can also ask "more" of the school as well.  While most kiddos should be responsible for accurately getting their own assignments, perhaps it is wise for Y amount of time that teachers will email both parents the assignments of the day so that both parents can compare this to what the child thinks they have to do.

Really good idea. Our 6th grader struggles with being honest about what HW she has and whether she has done it. While DH and I are not able to "be on the same page" with her mom, we can "be on the same page" with her teacher, so that the "united front" facing SD12 is "well, Teacher, Dad, and kells76 all agree that X needs to be done". And "I feel concerned that Teacher shared with me that you told her you're doing math with kells76, but in fact, we didn't do math together".

Definitely lean on the school professionals to be the second part of the "united front" to your kids, so instead of everyone's energy going to "what was the assignment? nobody knows, you say it's X, I think it's Y, we just don't know", you can move past "what was the HW" to "we agree that the HW is to be done today".

Especially 3rd graders with two houses... yeah, now's the time to team up strongly with the teachers. Will definitely benefit your kids.

[formflier]

And...make sure and keep in your "scan pattern" that there are things that can improve/change that don't involve BPD. 

Most likely it's 80% or more of the problem...

Still not every system works for every kid and/or situation.

With this last year of virtual due to covid, we've been having to deal with three different systems in our house.  Even though we are in same school system, elementary uses one thing, middle school another, and high school a slightly different variant...(perhaps 4 systems), because then there are "dual credit" classes in high school that add another layer of complexity.

https://www.edmentum.com/

Middle school and high school use a version of this.  The neat thing is there is a simple predictor bar that tells you at a glance if you are on, ahead or behind schedule.

VERY useful for overtasked parents that need a quick glance to see if things are ok.

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

I also recommend that you document the meeting very well.

Emails after the fact to the school officials and your ex to document exactly what the problems are and exactly what solutions were agreed to.  This will be part of your evidence for a future custody trial.

If you can get copies of the school documentation on tardies and missing homework, etc, that will also be useful for you for later.  Especially if you have the "before" look and the "after the meeting" pattern looks the same.

[ForeverDad]

Should things end up going to court, do try to get some confirmation of the meeting in a form you can preserve for future reference, whether email, letter, whatever.

In my final decree I walked out with equal time and as Primary Parent for school purposes.  My lawyer and her lawyer insisted it didn't mean anything.  Ha!  Little did they anticipate... Within two months her school, which had let our kindergarten son remain there until the end of the school year by my request, notified me I had one day to enroll him in my school.  They then sent me a two page list of all her past and current incidents.  If I hadn't been the Primary Parent for school they would have had no choice but to suffer silently.

A couple years passed and court agreed there was a "change of circumstances" and we settled for me to get full custody.  A few more years and I went back to get majority time.  I listed the incidents throughout the year of her playing games with exchanges.  School provided a list of 21 tardies, 19 were on her days.

Also school described how in 5th grade I had signed son up for an overnight field trip to a local kids camp that started on my time midweek but when her time started that evening she drove over to the camp and created an incident demanding her time and her son back.

What did the court's decision say?  Did I get majority time?  Yes, but it was limited to during the school year.  In effect, school incidents had more impact on the court than incidents with me.

Don't discount the importance of school issues.  The documentation of these incidents may be extremely helpful when you likely end up in family court either seeking additional parenting time or more parenting authority such as with school and other matters.