Four years later - an update on my BPD relationship

[Lady Adur]

Hi all, I used to use this site a lot, it really helped me in some really hard times. My partner and father of my daughter was diagnosed with BPD. He left me while I was pregnant and then we had three years of affairs, fights, self-harm, abandonment, police, social services, arguments and tears. He was so cruel to me that I cannot tell you how I withstood it. I wanted to come back here and tell you what happened next.

We are together and we are a happy family. My partner got treatment on the NHS using the MBT model and it changed our lives. Treatment took two years and it was a hard two years but we are out the other side and we are doing really well. The affairs have stopped, the self-harm has stopped, he is a fantastic father and for the most part our relationship is very happy. He now works with other BPD patients as a mental health support worker.

I wanted to write this post because I struggled to find anyone who had a success story when I needed to hear one. Everyone told me to leave the relationship, that people never change, but I’m here to tell you that they do. It’s hard and it’s damaging to keep on that path but we are here and we are a family and we are very happy.

It is my boyfriend’s passion to help people understand the world from a BPD’er perspective. Feel free to ask us any questions you wish.

Good luck everyone. I know how hard this is. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scared2Lose]

How did you handle it during all this process? Did he ever look to break off the relationship? Did you?

What was the drama during treatment like?

I'm dealing with my wife currently and she's had DBT training, but after the therapy she asked for a divorce and is still exhibiting pretty high BPD behavior.

I ask because I love this woman and I truly believe that while I'm not her savior, she's pushing me out the door so that her and her BPD can live in peace. How were you able to weather the storm and come out the other side with your pwBPD?

Any information is appreciated.

[Lady Adur]

Hi,
We split up and got back together many many times. My partner moved out for about 10 months, that was the longest split. I tried to end the relationship many times because I couldn’t cope with the drama, the pain, the verbal abuse, the twisting words. The thing I found hardest was that he would be vile towards me and then when I objected he would twist it round and I would end up comforting him. All my friends and family were angry with me for being in this relationship and that was also hard.

During treatment things did improve but it took a long time and there were still problems. I know he wasn’t honest with his treatment group about the worst of his behaviour and particularly how he treated me.

You are always walking a tightrope, on one side protecting yourself and the other caring for someone that you know is unwell. There are no right or wrong answers here.

My advice is to remain open minded about the relationship, support your partner but put yourself first. I am still damaged by my experience, I still cling to things he said or did that I can’t get out of my mind so things are not a bed of roses for us. Looking back I believe I put pressure on him to meet my needs that he simply couldn’t take and that drove him away. I’m not saying I was wrong to do so, I needed my needs met, but things improved when I changed my mindset a little. Emotionally I started to detach myself a little. I found it empowering to take a stance where I said to myself “I am strong and I am independent. I choose right now to support him. This is my choice”. By detaching myself a little from the relationship I was less invested and less hurt by his actions. This meant I could be more objective and less reactive to things that hurt me, that removed the pressure on him and he actually felt less rejected by me.  I even went on a few dates with other people. I’m not advising this necessarily but it did me the world of good. I realised from the dates that I could easily get into another relationship if I wished, that was empowering, but I also realised that I loved my partner and no date lived up to him.   This strengthened me and my choice to support my partner. That is how I got through it but it is a hard and long road.

[EyesUp]

Hello - Thanks for coming back to share a success story.

How was BPD diagnosed?  How did he come to accept the diagnosis?  Any comments re: contributing elements, i.e., his motivation, circumstances, etc.?

Also, how was treatment prescribed?  What was attempted prior to the successful treatment?  In your view, what were the contributing elements to successful treatment?

<thinking of moving to England>

TIA!

[queenofsuburbia]

Hi! It makes me feel better to see someone found a way to improve their relationship when their significant other has BPD. I am here to try to do that myself. My boyfriend has it and it is stressful especially when I have anxiety. If you have any tips on how you improved your relationship, I would love to hear them!

[Notwendy]

My advice is to remain open minded about the relationship, support your partner but put yourself first. I am still damaged by my experience, I still cling to things he said or did that I can’t get out of my mind so things are not a bed of roses for us. Looking back I believe I put pressure on him to meet my needs that he simply couldn’t take and that drove him away. I’m not saying I was wrong to do so, I needed my needs met, but things improved when I changed my mindset a little. Emotionally I started to detach myself a little. I found it empowering to take a stance where I said to myself “I am strong and I am independent. I choose right now to support him. This is my choice”. By detaching myself a little from the relationship I was less invested and less hurt by his actions. This meant I could be more objective and less reactive to things that hurt me, that removed the pressure on him and he actually felt less rejected by me.  I even went on a few dates with other people. I’m not advising this necessarily but it did me the world of good. I realised from the dates that I could easily get into another relationship if I wished, that was empowering, but I also realised that I loved my partner and no date lived up to him.   This strengthened me and my choice to support my partner. That is how I got through it but it is a hard and long road.

I am highlighting this last paragraph because I think it is a key aspect to relationships. So much focus is on the pwBPD but the interactions between people involve both of them.

For anyone to get involved in therapy and be willing to do that kind of work takes motivation. Your BF did this and that's to be commended.

However, you also did your part by examining your behavior and relationship patterns. You made a key discovery- that somehow you were a part of this too and while you could break up- you might also repeat relationship patterns with someone else if you didn't do some self work.

You took the perspective of "this is my choice" which is empowering to you. You learned to be less emotionally reactive to his feelings and words, albeit the words he has said did hurt- acknowleging your own feelings.

Well done- to your BF for taking these hard steps to work on himself-- and also to you- you did this work too.